If you’ve ever wondered why your child transforms from a calm and composed student at school into an emotional whirlwind the moment they walk through your front door, you’re not alone. It might feel like you’re living with your very own Bruce Banner and Hulk—one version of your child is composed, buttoned-up, and in control, while the other lets their emotions explode with full force at home.
You might be wondering, why is your child defiant only at home? Why are outbursts more frequent when you are with them?
For most of the parents that I see, this isn’t a sign of poor parenting. In fact, it’s a sign that your child sees home as their safe space—a place where they can let their guard down and release everything they’ve been holding in all day. Let’s look at why this dynamic happens and explore ways to help your child manage these big emotions.
Behavioral Change in Children and Teens
Behavioral change involves tweaking an individual’s actions, attitudes, and habits to reach a desired goal. For parents, understanding this concept can be a game-changer in helping their children navigate life's twists and turns, tackle obstacles, and achieve success.
Whether it’s nudging them towards healthier habits, boosting their academic performance, or encouraging positive behaviors, understanding the balance between healthy and unhealthy behaviors can significantly impact your child’s growth. By recognizing these dynamics, you can play a pivotal role in guiding your child toward lasting behavior change.
Differences in Child Behavior: Home vs School
Your child's school behavior is influenced by its environment. At school, a child operates in a structured, high-expectation environment where they work hard to “hold it together.” From managing tasks to meeting social and academic demands, they are constantly masking their true emotions. School routines and clear boundaries provide a framework that helps them stay regulated, but it comes at a cost: emotional exhaustion.
When they walk through the door at home, the dam breaks. Home is their safe haven, where they feel secure enough to release the stress, frustration, and overwhelm they’ve been holding in all day. That release often looks like irritability, tantrums, or shutting down.
On the other hand, if you're a homeschooler, you might be wondering why your child is acting out during homeschooling? Acting out during homeschooling is often a sign of frustration, boredom, or feeling overwhelmed. Kids may struggle with a lack of structure, missing social interaction, or difficulty understanding the material.
It can also be a way of expressing stress or dysregulation when they don’t have the words to explain how they feel. Providing a consistent routine, breaking tasks into smaller steps, offering breaks, and finding ways to make learning engaging can help reduce acting out and make homeschooling smoother.
Why Do Kids Act Out?
Think of your child’s day like a tightly stretched rubber band. Every challenge, transition, or moment of self-control at school adds a little more tension. By the time they come home, that rubber band snaps, and all the emotions they’ve been holding back come spilling out.
Understanding what stretches that emotional “rubber band” is key to helping your child manage their feelings. From sensory overload to social pressures, a variety of factors contribute to emotional overload.
Let’s explore what’s behind these intense reactions and how we can help release some of that tension before it builds to a breaking point.
Emotional Exhaustion
Managing emotions and meeting expectations all day drains your child’s emotional reserves, leaving them on edge by the time they get home.
Stress and Anxiety
Worries about academics, social interactions, or even subtle stressors like a change in their lunch routine can pile up, creating emotional tension and irritable mood. Stress management and coping skills are essential things kids can learn, even at a young age, to help them thrive.
Sensory Overload
Bright lights, loud noises, and busy environments can overwhelm kids, especially neurodivergent ones, causing them to mask their feelings during the day and release them at home.
Transitions
Shifting between activities or environments—like moving from the structure of school to the freedom of home—can be tough for kids and often triggers anxiety or dysregulated behavior. Even small changes in their routine, like stopping screen time for dinner or switching from playtime to homework, can feel overwhelming.
Social Pressures
Dealing with friendships and feeling left out can weigh heavily on kids, leaving them emotionally depleted by the end of the day.
Kids acting out is normal and can be just a phase, but it can also be a sign of a mental health issue. For example, if your child shows defiance, temper tantrums, and frequent anger, it can be a sign of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Children with ODD show a consistent pattern of anger, irritability, arguing, and defiance toward authority figures. If you are concerned about your kid's defiant behavior, trust your instincts. Talking to a professional can help you understand what’s going on and how to best support your child.
7 Ways to Support Your Child During Transition From School to Home
By focusing on connection, predictability, and simple strategies, you can help your child feel supported and calm as they settle back into the comfort of home. Here are seven practical ways to guide your child through this shift with greater ease and harmony:
- Check Your Own Emotional State to Co-Regulate Effectively
Check your own emotional state before your child gets home. If you’re feeling stressed or frazzled, take a moment to regulate yourself. Your calm energy can help your child feel safe and grounded when they step through the door.
2. Allow them to Relax and Destress
Give your child space to decompress after school. A healthy snack, a quiet activity, or some sensory input—like a crunchy apple or a squishy stress ball—can help them reset their nervous system.
3. Establish a Consistent After-School Routine
Kids thrive on routines, especially during transitions. Establish a consistent after-school flow that includes relaxation, physical activity, and connection. A short walk together or some quiet playtime can help bridge the gap between school and home.
4. Encourage Open, Stress-Free Communication for Desired Behavior
Instead of grilling your child about their day, let them share at their own pace. Ask open-ended questions like, “What was your favorite part of today?” or “What made you smile?” This approach fosters connection without adding stress.
5. Support Emotional Regulation Through Balanced Nutrition
Balanced snacks and meals can help regulate your child’s emotions. Offer foods rich in healthy fats, proteins, and magnesium—like avocados, nuts, or seeds—and avoid sugary treats that can lead to mood crashes.
6. Introduce Calming Techniques to Help Your Child Self-Regulate and Build Self Efficacy
Teach simple calming strategies, like deep breathing, mindfulness, or progressive muscle relaxation. Practices like these help your child build self-regulation skills for managing big emotions.
7. Cognitive Behavior Therapy
Cognitive therapy helps by teaching kids and teens to recognize and change negative thought patterns that lead to unhelpful behaviors. By changing the way they think, they can start to feel more confident, solve problems and in control, which leads to better social skills, healthier behaviors and better choices over time.
3 Psychology Theories About Changing Behavior in Children
Helping your child change their behavior can feel overwhelming, but understanding behavior change theory can make a big difference. These simple ideas, based on social science, explain why kids behave the way they do and how you can guide them toward desirable behaviors.
Social Cognitive Theory
Children learn a lot by observing others, especially their parents. If you stay calm, use kind words, and show healthy ways to handle frustration, your child is more likely to copy that behavior. Think of yourself as their role model—they’re always watching!
This theory emphasizes the role of observational learning, social experiences, and perceived behavioral control in shaping behavior. By modeling positive behaviors and providing a supportive environment, you can influence your child’s behavior.
Theory of Planned Behavior
Your child’s actions often start with what they believe or feel about a situation. If they think they can succeed or believe it’s important to follow the rules, they’re more likely to try. Kids also care about what others (like friends or family) think about their choices.
This theory suggests that behavior is driven by intentions, which are influenced by attitudes, subjective social norms, and perceived behavioral control. Understanding behavior change goals and your child’s intentions plus the factors that influence them can help in guiding their behavior.
Self-Efficacy Theory
When kids believe they’re capable, they’re more likely to stick with a task—even if it’s hard. If they doubt themselves, they might give up too quickly. Building their confidence is key.
This theory focuses on the belief in one’s self motivation and ability to succeed. Encouraging your child to believe in their capabilities can significantly impact their willingness to engage in and sustain behavioral change.
By understanding these theories and applying their principles, you can better support your child in navigating the complexities of behavioral change.
Recognizing Changes in Behavior
Recognizing changes in behavior is a critical step in the behavioral change process. It involves becoming aware of your child’s current behavior, identifying areas for improvement, and acknowledging the need for change. This can be challenging, as children may resist change or may not even realize that change is necessary.
For example, if your child is consistently anxious about school, recognizing this behavior and understanding its impact is the first step towards helping them manage their anxiety. By being observant and empathetic, you can better support your child in making positive changes.
Recognizing Your Child’s Unique Needs
Every child is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Pay attention to your child’s specific triggers and preferences. Some kids need quiet time to unwind, while others benefit from physical activity or sensory play. Adjust your approach to meet their individual needs.
If your child’s meltdowns persist or escalate, it may be time to seek additional support. A therapist or counselor can help uncover underlying issues and provide tailored strategies to support your child’s emotional regulation. Collaborating with their teachers to create a supportive school environment can also make a big difference.
When your child falls apart at home, it’s not a sign that they’re “misbehaving.” It’s their way of showing that they feel safe enough to let out what they’ve been holding in all day. By creating a supportive transition, offering patience, and building routines that nurture their emotional health, you can help your child thrive both at home and at school and create lasting behavior change.
If you’re looking for support to help your child with behavioral shift and self-regulation, check out my Dysregulation Solution program. It’s packed with easy-to-use resources, proven strategies, and parent scripts to help your child manage big feelings, build coping skills, and improve their behavior. You don’t have to do this alone—let’s get your child on the path to calm and success. Click here to learn more.
What is Behavioral Change?
Behavior change refers to the process of altering an individual’s behavior, either by adopting new behaviors or by modifying existing ones. This process often requires a conscious effort and is driven by a desire to improve one’s life, achieve specific goals, or overcome particular challenges.
For instance, if your child struggles with completing homework, behavioral change might involve creating a structured routine that encourages better study habits. Understanding that behavioral change is a journey can help you support your child through the ups and downs of this process.
Does a change in my child’s behavior mean they have a mental health disorder?
Not always. Kids’ behavior can change for many reasons, like stress, lack of sleep, big life changes, or even challenges at school. However, if the behavior change is sudden, extreme, or lasts for a while—like increased irritability, withdrawal, or trouble focusing—it could be a sign of something more, including a mental health issue.
For example, if your child is consistently show aggressive, disruptive, or rule-breaking behavior, it can be a sign of conduct disorder. Early intervention and professional support are essential to help children develop healthier behaviors.
What can I do about my child's problem behavior?
Start by staying calm and remembering that your child looks to you as their guide. Problem behaviors often stem from frustration, unmet needs, or a dysregulated nervous system, so try to understand what’s really going on beneath the surface.
Teach your child simple coping tools, like deep breathing or using words to express their feelings, and set clear, consistent boundaries. At the same time, praise their efforts when they make good choices. Behavior change can be your child’s way of communicating, and with patience, support, and consistency, you can help them learn better ways to handle challenges and change their old behavior for the better.
Can diet affect behavior changes?
Yes, diet can play a big role in your child's health-related behaviors. What your child eats impacts their energy, mood, focus, and even their ability to handle emotions. Physical health is connected to mental health. Nutrient-rich foods like fruits, vegetables, healthy fats, and proteins support brain function and balanced energy levels, while processed foods, sugar, and artificial additives can sometimes worsen irritability, hyperactivity, or difficulty concentrating. A healthy diet can be a simple but powerful way to support positive behavior changes.
What are the stages of behavior change?
Stages of Change in behavior happens in six stages:
- Precontemplation stage: This is the earliest stage where your child's behavior is noticeable but doesn’t seem to be a problem yet.
- Contemplation stage: They start to think about making a change.
- Preparation stage: They get ready to take action.
- Action stage: They actively work on changing their behavior.
- Maintenance stage: They practice the new behavior until it becomes a habit.
Understanding this behavior change model phase can help you support your child wherever they are in the process.
What are the factors influencing my child's behavioral changes?
Several key factors that can influence behavioral shifts in children, and understanding these can help you guide them more effectively:
- Motivation: A strong motivation to change is essential. Whether it’s the desire to make new friends or improve grades, identifying what drives your child can help in facilitating behavior improvement.
- Self-efficacy: Believing in their ability to change is crucial for your child. Encouraging self-confidence and celebrating small successes can boost their self-efficacy and a person's confidence.
- Social support: Support from family, friends, and teachers can play a crucial role. A supportive environment can make the process of change less daunting for your child.
- Environment: The environment in which your child lives and learns can either facilitate or hinder behavioral change. Creating a positive and structured environment at home can support desired behavior changes.
- Negative consequences: Sometimes, the presence of negative consequences can help kids stay motivated to change. For instance, if your child understands that not doing homework leads to less playtime, they might be more inclined to complete their tasks.
How does organizational behavior influence children and teens?
Organizational behavior is about understanding how people work together and what motivates them—just like in families. With teens and kids, it’s about recognizing how everyone’s actions, roles, and emotions impact family dynamics.
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Self-Regulation who frequently is in the media:
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- HomeschoolOT Therapy Services Understanding Nervous System Dysregulation in Children: A Guide for Homeschool Parents
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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Dr. Roseann is a Children’s Mental Health Expert and Licensed Therapist who has been featured in/on hundreds of media outlets including The Mel Robbins Show, CBS, NBC, PIX11 NYC, Today, FORBES, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Business Insider, Women’s Day, Healthline, CNET, Parade Magazine and PARENTS. FORBES called her, “A thought leader in children’s mental health.”
She coined the terms, “Re-entry panic syndrome” and “eco-anxiety” and is a frequent contributor to media on mental health.
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge has three decades of experience in working with children, teens and their families with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, concussion, dyslexia and learning disability, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), depression and mood disorder, Lyme Disease, and PANS/PANDAS using science-backed natural mental health solutions such as supplements, magnesium, nutrition, QEEG Brain maps, neurofeedback, PEMF, psychotherapy and other non-medication approaches.
She is the author of three bestselling books, It’s Gonna Be OK!: Proven Ways to Improve Your Child's Mental Health, The Teletherapy Toolkit, and Brain Under Attack. Dr. Roseann is known for offering a message of hope through science-endorsed methods that promote a calm brain.
Her trademarked BrainBehaviorResetⓇ Program and It’s Gonna be OK!Ⓡ Podcast has been a cornerstone for thousands of parents facing mental health, behavioral or neurodevelopmental challenges.
She is the founder and director of The Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health, Neurotastic™Brain Formulas and Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC. Dr. Roseann is a Board Certified Neurofeedback (BCN) Practitioner, a Board Member of the Northeast Region Biofeedback Society (NRBS), Certified Integrative Mental Health Professional (CIMHP) and an Amen Clinic Certified Brain Health Coach. She is also a member of The International Lyme Disease and Associated Disease Society (ILADS), The American Psychological Association (APA), Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) National Association of School Psychologists (NASP), International OCD Foundation (IOCDF).
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