Navigating the world as special needs parents can sometimes feel like you're attempting to solve a complex puzzle without all the pieces in sight. There are moments of frustration, confusion, and endless searching, but oh, when those pieces start to fit together, the picture that emerges is more beautiful than you ever imagined.

You’re not just a parent; you’re a detective, advocate, cheerleader mother, and superhero all rolled into one. To help you on this intricate and rewarding journey, we've compiled this guide to support you and your incredible child every step of the way.

Understanding Your Child's Condition

“Special needs” can be defined in a variety of ways. The term can refer to a variety of issues and concerns, from an intellectual disability, ADHD, Autism, an executive functioning disorder, or being gifted. Getting a proper diagnosis is the first step. Getting detailed information from your mental health provider can help you in giving your child the right support. Many parents of children with special needs find themselves isolated, looking for others who understand the situation. Understanding your child's condition is the first step in creating a plan to support them and help them thrive.

Tips for Parents with Special Needs Children

With that in mind, the following 12 tips are for parents of special needs children on ways that they can:

1. Find Your Tribe

Many parents fall into the mental trap of thinking they are alone, even though they are not. Parenting a child with special needs isn’t easy. Seek out other parents and find your tribe.  There are FaceBook parent groups, special education groups (SEPTA), (TACA, PANS/PANDAS, ADHD, OCD, NAMI), and so on. Talk, share, laugh, and cry together.

I invite you to join the Natural Parenting Solutions for Dysregulated Kids, a special community I created for parents like you. Not only will you get to share wins and challenges with other parents with special needs, but you will also get guidance and science-backed solutions from me as a psychologist and a mental health expert for 30 years. I volunteer to be your guide in special needs parenting. I can't wait for you to join us. Click here. Oh, and I'm a mom with children with special needs too (times two!). We are on the same team!

Parents with children with special needs should connect with others who understand their worries and journey. Having a special needs child shouldn’t be something you feel you need to hide, and finding the right friends and people to lean on is important for that.

2. Make Lifestyle Changes

If your life is stressful and emotionally taxing, then it is time for a change. There is a special need for parents to have a lifestyle shift to accommodate children who need extra help. Limiting stressors and triggers may mean fewer activities or social events; it can also mean more or less structure, as well as changes in work schedules or general priorities. It might mean asking for or getting help.  Accepting these changes can help move to a less stressful and find more joy and enriched life. Next sort the problems. Which ones will you work on first? Which ones can you accommodate? Which ones can you live with? Realize that change for your child and your family is a process, not a quick fix and that it will evolve over time.

3. Try Neurofeedback

People’s brainwave functioning and patterns have a lot of effect on how they function cognitively, behaviorally and emotionally. Dysfunctional patterns may be contributing to your child’s struggles, including his/her anxiety, rigidity, learning and cognitive functioning, attention and impulse control problems.

Neurofeedback is an effective and powerful way to alter brainwave functioning in order to help the brain self-regulate and reduce a variety of negative symptoms.  At our center in Ridgefield, CT we support special needs children every day and getting their brain to produce healthy rhythms is an essential part of their wellness plan. Click here to learn more about our BrainBehaviorReset program. Find a Board Certified Neurofeedback provider to help you decide if Neurofeedback should be part of your overall treatment plan.

4. Try Biofeedback

Biofeedback helps clients learn to consciously regulate their body. Children with behavioral or attentional issues lack self-regulation skills, which impacts their functioning in many ways but often impacts their emotional state and stress tolerance. However, they can learn how to self-regulate, which are skills they will need throughout their lifetime with an easy, effective, and safe therapy like biofeedback.

5. Find the Organic Root Causes

Organic root causes come in a variety of forms including foods, genetic issues, infectious diseases, and nutrient deficiencies. The first step for parents of special needs kid is to keep a journal of possible triggers. This means that if your child eats a food and twenty minutes later seems out of control, then record that reaction. This allows you to explore different environmental factors so you can make connections between them and your child’s behavior. A naturopath can really help you understand how deficiencies, genetic issues, nutrition, and irritants to the system can contribute to your child’s challenges, as well as prescribe supplements, herbs and homeopathy to help.

 6.  Find a Good Therapist

When looking for a therapist, you want someone who understands your child’s developmental issues or problems to support you and your child. A good therapist will have a toolkit and expirence with whatever issue you are facing. Play therapy, hypnotherapy, and parenting support are some of the many ways your therapist can help you through the many challenges you are facing. Therapy is a way to get parenting hacks so that you can get the support you need to be a more effective parent and your child and the whole family will be happier.  Remember, we aren't trained to be special needs parents but a good therapist is trained to offer parent coaching and therapy, so they can get to the heart of the issue in a way you can't and have the skills that enable change.

7. Use Behavior Plans

A behavioral plan is a behavioral management tool that can be used at home or in a classroom and serves to teach or shape desired positive behaviors through explicit reinforcement. A good behavior plan lets you reward positive behaviors while also providing consequences for negative ones. Too often parents unknowingly reward unwanted and negative behaviors. For parents of children with special needs this is even more important because traditional parenting methods may not work.

Special needs parenting is a whole new ballgame. Educate yourself, ask your therapist, or find a behaviorist to help you decide what, how, and when to use behavior plans. Focus on small changes and allow them to grow and blossom over time. You may not see progress overnight, but when you look back over weeks and months, you will see clear results.

In school, it’s crucial to advocate for your child by requesting IEP meetings to establish an Individualized Education Program (IEP) or a 504 accommodation plan. These tools are essential for tailoring your child's learning environment to their specific needs and ensuring they receive the support they deserve.

8. Mindful Parenting and Self-Care

It starts with self-care. While the parents of children with special needs endlessly worry about their kids, everyone’s mind and body need time to rest and recharge. Commit to turning off your worry brain for some time each day. Self-care means simple things like allowing time to meditate, eat, and get enough sleep. Don't be overwhelmed; take a moment and know it's gonna be ok.

Most importantly, develop a mindful attitude and a mindful parenting style. Staying present in the moment will help you to alleviate future-thinking anxieties and help you to tolerate your distress. Breathwork is a tool that you can use when you want to take a break for a few minutes to calm down. Physical activities like exercise or a few minutes of walking can also help.

When you are present and connected, you will have a clearer picture of the behaviors that are hardest for you to manage. When you are triggered, identify your emotions. Understand your feelings. Looking at the behaviors at a later time, when you aren’t caught up in the irritation of the moment, is the best time to reflect look back at antecedents or core issues.

Finally, when you are present with your child rather than your own anxieties, you can connect with your child in tough moments and begin to unravel root causes of their behaviors. As a mother or father of special needs, it is important to pause, take a moment, and be present through intentional self-care.

Raising a daughter or a son with special needs is a gift, even though that’s often difficult to keep in mind in the day to day struggles of parenting. Being special needs parents also means you have a lot of hats to wear, so parental self-care is so important.

9. Watch and Listen

Take the time to connect to your child’s experience and look for potential triggers. When your child’s behavior erupts they are generally struggling in some form and their behavior always gives a clue as to why. What you can do is model the language that can help them adequately express what they are experiencing and express empathy and understanding by quietly speaking their thoughts. Phrases such as, “This school really is tiring/maddening, I bet you wish you could just quit” , and “Hmm, your hands/face/chest seems really angry/sad/tired right now” can help a child to realize you can understand what they are feeling. In addition, by giving them language to use you also help them learn how to express their struggles. However, be careful not to use “you” statements, such as ”you are angry” since many children find this upsetting, Finally, if a child disagrees with your observation do not argue since this makes them feel disempowered.

10. See the Good Stuff

For parents, seeing the best parts of their children can be a struggle. Jot down the special moments or keep a video diary. Write one good thing every day. Take pictures and talk to your child often about the gifts you see in them. We are often so busy supporting their issues or needs that we forget to celebrate their strengths. When they were babies and toddlers, you delighted in the simplest of accomplishments but now that seems harder because of the challenges they present. Our children with special needs are special every day, and we need to celebrate who they are, not just what they do, so that we all can keep a positive mindset.

 11. Cultivate Gratitude and Positive Experiences

When special needs family are in the weeds, they can find it difficult to be grateful for what’s easier in their lives or see positive experiences. We get so caught up in the worry that is hard to see the positive.  With positive parenting, for example, activity reinforces your child’s positive experiences by pointing them out.  “Look Amy, the cat jumped in your lap. She really loves you”.  “Your sister looked really happy when you saved her a seat at the theatre”. Our brain is wired to alert to and remember the negative more readily, so active reinforcement is needed to alter negative thinking. This single task will help you more than you realize. Journal, or reframe your child’s positive experiences, or set a jar in your kitchen and add a small note of gratitude to it each day. Sit back, and watch your perspective change.

12. Practice Positive Language

As parents of special needs kids we are always trying to help our kiddos, which means that we are often correcting them. As a result, we sometimes use negative, judgemental language without realizing it. We think we are helping by pointing out what they aren’t doing right, but instead we inadvertently reinforce the less desired behaviors. Try to practice using descriptive language instead that both expresses yourself clearly and may help you find solutions. Most children with spcial needs often struggle with learning and understanding what they should be doing, so reinforcing the desired behaviors is the way to go.  Words can be hurtful or helpful. Put a coin in a jar when you make an infraction and commit spending time to sending it to your charity if that is a motivator.

Positive Scripts for Special Needs Families

Instead of “He/she is so hard!”..Try, “My child has extra special needs parenting and they are really EXTRA right now!”

“My child is so stubborn”…might be better as, “My child’s brain is inflexible (rigid, stuck) right now.”

 “I’m mad at you/ you make my life so hard/why are you doing this”…might better be “I love you, but this behavior is not expected right now and not acceptable”….and “These behaviors drain my energy. It must be hard when you lose flexibility/focus/control in your brain.”

Navigating the journey of raising a child with special needs is challenging, but with the right tools and mindset, it can also be incredibly rewarding. These 12 tips are designed to help you embrace your role as a special needs parent, offering strategies to support both your child's development and your well-being. Remember, every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory. You're not alone on this path—continue to seek out resources, connect with others, and celebrate the progress you and your child make together.