Emotional regulation is the superpower that helps us stay steady through life’s ups and downs. It’s all about managing our feelings intentionally so they don’t take over. When emotional dysregulation takes over, it can feel like a rollercoaster—calm one minute and furious or heartbroken the next. This constant behavioral shift doesn’t only impact the child experiencing it; it also affects relationships, mental health, and overall well-being, leaving them feeling trapped and out of control.
Why does this happen? Emotional highs and lows can be triggered by past trauma, physical factors like exhaustion or hunger, or simply never learning healthy ways to cope. Whatever the cause, it often feels like emotions are running the show.
Emotional regulation isn’t just something people are born with—emotional regulation skills can be taught and learned. Using tools like mindfulness, reframing thoughts, and tuning into feelings, children can learn to handle emotions with confidence, develop greater resilience, build and feel more in control of what’s happening around them.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is the process of managing one's emotional reactions in various situations. It involves understanding and controlling emotions, which is particularly crucial in managing negative emotions when in stressful situations. Those who struggle with emotion dysregulation lack these skills.
For a child or teen, emotional regulation is about learning how to respond to their feelings and emotion in a healthy way rather than being overwhelmed by them.
Nervous System Dysregulation and Its Connection to Emotional Regulation
The limbic system is your brain’s emotional command center, deeply tied to the nervous system, and plays a big role in how we process and respond to feelings like fear, anger, and joy. At the heart of it is the amygdala, which acts like an alarm system, detecting threats and triggering emotional and physical reactions through the nervous system. The prefrontal cortex, on the other hand, helps regulate those big feelings and calm the nervous system’s response.
When the limbic system becomes overwhelmed—often due to stress, trauma, or repeated emotional challenges—it can lead to dysregulation. This means the brain and nervous system stay stuck in overdrive, making it hard for kids to manage emotions, think clearly, or calm themselves. Dysregulation often shows up as emotional vulnerability, mood swings, meltdowns, or extreme reactions to small triggers.
That’s why building emotional regulation skills is so critical—it helps reset both the limbic system and the nervous system, reducing dysregulation and creating a stronger foundation for calm, focus, and emotional balance. Incorporating emotional regulation techniques can further support this process by providing structured methods to learn to manage emotions and interrupt unhelpful behaviors.
The Importance of Emotional Control in Kids
Emotional control is essentially managing your emotional response in a way that is healthy and constructive. It's about recognizing your own emotions and emotional triggers. Practicing mindfulness, which involves self awareness, and staying present and aware, can be incredibly effective to self regulate emotions.
Teaching children emotion regulation empowers them to handle unpleasant emotions and strong emotions in a more balanced way. Recognizing one's own emotions is the first step in developing emotional intelligence. This awareness is crucial for fostering positive feelings and enhancing distress tolerance.
10 Emotional Regulation Skills Every Child Should Have
1. Mindfulness
Practicing presence and awareness of emotions
Mindfulness involves being fully present in the moment and aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgment. Practicing mindfulness means acknowledging their emotions as they arise and observing them without criticism.
This practice helps in recognizing emotional patterns and triggers, leading to a better understanding of how to manage emotional responses. Mindfulness can be cultivated through simple activities like deep breathing, mindful walking, or body scans, helping young individuals center themselves during moments of emotional intensity.
2. Cognitive Reappraisal
Changing thought patterns to alter emotional reactions
Cognitive reappraisal is a powerful emotional regulation technique that involves changing the way one interprets a situation to alter one's emotional response to it. This skill can be particularly useful in dealing with negative emotions or negative thoughts.
By teaching children to reframe their thoughts about challenging situations, they learn to view these experiences in a more positive or neutral light, reducing the emotional impact and helping them maintain a more balanced emotional state. Metacognitive skills is also a big part of this.
Take for example, Ely, an 11-year-old who loves soccer but often says after losing a game, “I’m terrible at this, and I’ll never win.” Through cognitive reappraisal, he reframed the situation by saying, “I didn’t win this time, but I’m getting better and learning new strategies.” This shift helps them manage their emotions and focus on growth instead of failure.
3. Impulse Control
Techniques for managing immediate reactions to strong emotions.
Impulse control is crucial in managing strong emotional responses and preventing reactive behaviors. It involves recognizing the urge to act on a strong emotion and choosing to pause and think before responding. Strategies such as counting to ten, taking deep breaths, or using a stress ball can be effective for children and teens.
These techniques allow time for the initial wave of emotion to pass, enabling more thoughtful and less reactive decision-making.
4. Stress Reduction
Strategies to lower stress and its impact on emotions
Stress reduction techniques are essential in emotional regulation, as stress often exacerbates emotional responses. Children and teens can benefit from activities like exercise, engaging in hobbies, or relaxation exercises.
Teaching them stress management skills like time management, organization, and relaxation techniques not only helps in reducing their stress levels but also diminishes the intensity of their emotional reactions in stressful situations.
5. Emotional Awareness
Recognizing and naming emotions accurately.
Emotional awareness is the ability to recognize and identify one's emotions. This skill is foundational in emotional regulation, as it is difficult to manage an emotion that is not fully understood or acknowledged.
Parents can help their children develop this skill by encouraging them to express their feelings and helping them put names to those emotions. This process enhances their ability to recognize and deal with their emotions effectively.
6. Self-Compassion
Encouraging kindness towards oneself in challenging times
Self-compassion involves treating oneself with the same kindness and understanding that one would offer to a friend in a difficult situation.
It is especially important in managing feelings of guilt or inadequacy, as they can lead to emotional upset and sensitivity.
Teaching children self-compassion helps them to be more forgiving of their mistakes and to view challenging experiences as opportunities for growth rather than failures.
7. Problem-Solving Skills
Addressing issues causing emotional distress.
Problem-solving skills help children and teens identify and address the root causes of their emotional distress. This skill involves recognizing the problem, brainstorming potential solutions, evaluating these solutions, and then implementing them.
Developing problem-solving skills empowers young people to take control of situations that cause them emotional distress, thereby reducing their impact. These skills help them manage upset and use critical thinking to deal with whatever life throws at them.
8. Seeking Support
Learning to reach out for help when overwhelmed.
Teaching children to recognize when they need help and how to seek support is a vital aspect of emotional regulation. This could mean talking to a parent, teacher, or mental health professional. Cuing a child to use coping skills and confront their worries or stressors is key in building emotional regulation skills.
Encouraging children to reach out when they are overwhelmed can help prevent negative emotions from escalating and provide them with the tools and resources they need to cope.
9. Acceptance
Accepting emotions without judgment.
Acceptance involves acknowledging emotions as they are without trying to change or judge them. This doesn’t mean resigning oneself to negative feelings but rather recognizing that emotions are a natural response to certain situations.
Teaching children to accept their emotions can reduce the struggle against them and pave the way for healthier coping strategies.
10. Positive Reframing
Finding the positive in difficult situations.
Positive reframing is about shifting the focus from the negatives of a situation to any potential positives or opportunities for growth. This skill helps in reducing the impact of negative thoughts and emotions. It encourages a more optimistic outlook, which can be particularly beneficial in managing difficult emotions and enhancing overall emotional well-being.
A child may say, “I’m terrible at math; I’ll never get it right.” With positive reframing, a parent might respond, “You may find math tricky now, but every time you practice, you're getting better. Remember how hard reading was at first, and now you're great at it? You’ll get there with math too!” This helps shift their mindset from self-doubt to focusing on growth and effort.
What Research Says About Emotional Regulation
The Link Between Emotional Self Regulation and Mental Health
Research shows just how important emotional regulation is for overall mental health. A meta-analysis examining emotion regulation strategies, such as cognitive reappraisal (rethinking a situation to change its impact) and expressive suppression (bottling up emotions), found powerful connections to mental health outcomes like life satisfaction, depression, and anxiety. In one behaviour research, cognitive reappraisal was linked to better mental health and less negative impact, while expressive suppression showed the opposite trend, highlighting the importance of choosing the right strategies (Hu, Zhang, Wang, Mistry, & Ran, 2014).
Early Intervention Matters
Did you know that 8% to 10% of kids under 5 struggle with serious mental health issues? These early problems don’t just go away on their own—they can lead to long-term struggles if left unaddressed. This is why early intervention is so critical to helping young children build a strong emotional foundation and prevent future challenges (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2021).
Emotion Regulation Is Key for Adolescent Development
Teens who learn to manage their emotions have a leg up in both mental health and social success. A study on young adolescents revealed that emotion regulation strategies like reappraisal and suppression are deeply connected to improved social outcomes, mental health, and overall well-being. In other words, helping teens build these skills isn’t just nice—it’s essential for their healthy development (Chervonsky & Hunt, 2019).
Activities and Exercises to Build Emotional Regulation
Helping children to build emotional regulation skills involves strategies like mindfulness, self-soothing, and cognitive reappraisal. Separating emotions from the self can empower them to manage feelings without becoming overwhelmed.
Breathing Exercises
Techniques like diaphragmatic breathing, box breathing (4-4-4), and 4-7-8 breathing help calm the nervous system and reduce emotional reactivity.
Self-Soothing
Self-soothing techniques like using sensory items (weighted blankets, fidget toys), engaging in repetitive calming activities, or practicing grounding exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 method can help reduce stress and promote emotional balance.
Movement for Emotional Release
Physical activity, such as walking or stretching, helps release tension and shift stuck emotions. Combining movement with emotional catharsis steps—identify, acknowledge, accept, express, and release—can provide relief and balance.
Role Play for Emotional Understanding
Role play is a powerful tool to help children practice what they are experiencing emotionally in a safe, low-pressure way. Acting out scenarios, like handling frustration when a game doesn’t go as planned or expressing sadness in a healthy way, allows kids to build emotional awareness and rehearse strategies for real-life situations. This interactive approach not only strengthens their emotional regulation skills but also boosts confidence in turning challenging moments into positive ones.
Emotional Regulation Skills in Children and Adults
The journey to develop emotional regulation skills in deeply feeling kids is both challenging and rewarding. For parents who are on the search for non-medication alternatives, knowing how to manage these behaviors is a step in the right direction.
These ten essential self-regulation skills have been highlighted as key tools in helping individuals manage emotional upset and develop resilience. These skills can help children to navigate their emotional experiences and are the foundation of self regulation and brain calming.
Gaining these self-regulation skills equips deeply feeling kids with the ability to better understand, manage, and learn from their emotional experiences, paving the way for a healthier, more emotionally intelligent future.
If you’re ready to dive deeper and address the root causes of dysregulation in your child, check out the Dysregulation Solution. This comprehensive program provides step-by-step strategies to help your child calm their brain, build emotional resilience, and thrive—no matter the challenges they face. Learn more here.
What is Emotional Regulation Disorder?
Emotional Regulation Disorder (ERD) refers to difficulty managing and controlling emotions in a way that is appropriate for the situation. People with ERD often experience intense emotional responses that are hard to calm down, frequent mood swings, and an inability to return to a balanced emotional state after a stressful event. This can affect relationships, daily functioning, and mental health.
ERD is not a specific diagnosis but a feature of several conditions, including borderline personality disorder (BPD), ADHD, autism, and mood disorders. Common signs include extreme reactions to minor stressors, persistent irritability, or difficulty calming down after feeling upset or overwhelmed.
How can DBT skills help with emotional regulation?
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) helps with emotional regulation by teaching DBT skills to manage intense emotions and improve self-regulation. Practicing mindfulness helps individuals develop greater self-control and awareness of their feelings and actions. Behavior research shows that DBT is effective in reducing impulsive behaviors and managing emotions tied to self-harm, helping individuals respond to distress in healthier ways.
How can trauma and negative experiences affect emotional regulation?
Trauma and negative experiences can disrupt the way individuals process their emotions, often leading to difficulty managing feelings, such as feeling sad or overwhelmed. Challenging situations from the past shape how someone responds emotionally in the present, with past experiences often triggering heightened emotional reactions.
How does developing emotional regulation skills impact child development?
Building emotional regulation skills is essential for child development, helping children learn to self-regulate, manage stress, and develop strong problem-solving skills. These abilities foster positive emotions, improve focus, and lay the groundwork for healthy relationships that support emotional and social growth.
Can emotional regulation skills improve mental and physical health?
Yes, learning to self-regulate and manage emotions effectively benefits both physical health and mental well-being. Techniques like staying in the present moment, practicing self-compassion, and managing stress can reduce physical symptoms like tension and fatigue while addressing other mental health issues.
How do emotional regulation skills promote healthy relationships?
Emotional regulation is the backbone of healthy relationships and positive social interactions. Staying calm, giving positive feedback, and avoiding situational role reversals help build trust and create positive relationships with others. These skills are essential for maintaining strong, supportive connections.
Why are emotional regulation skills important for stress management and problem solving?
Effective stress management and problem-solving skills rely on strong emotional regulation. Behavioral research shows that individuals who can manage their emotions and focus on the present moment are better equipped to stay calm, think clearly, and maintain positive emotions when tackling challenges.
Citations
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2021). Addressing Early Childhood Emotional and Behavioral Problems. Pediatrics.
Chervonsky, E., & Hunt, C. (2019). Emotion regulation, mental health, and social wellbeing in a young adolescent sample: A concurrent and longitudinal investigation. Emotion, 19(2), 270-282. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29697988/
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Self-Regulation who frequently is in the media:
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- HomeschoolOT Therapy Services Understanding Nervous System Dysregulation in Children: A Guide for Homeschool Parents
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Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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Dr. Roseann is a Children’s Mental Health Expert and Licensed Therapist who has been featured in/on hundreds of media outlets including The Mel Robbins Show, CBS, NBC, PIX11 NYC, Today, FORBES, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Business Insider, Women’s Day, Healthline, CNET, Parade Magazine and PARENTS. FORBES called her, “A thought leader in children’s mental health.”
She coined the terms, “Re-entry panic syndrome” and “eco-anxiety” and is a frequent contributor to media on mental health.
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge has three decades of experience in working with children, teens and their families with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, concussion, dyslexia and learning disability, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), depression and mood disorder, Lyme Disease, and PANS/PANDAS using science-backed natural mental health solutions such as supplements, magnesium, nutrition, QEEG Brain maps, neurofeedback, PEMF, psychotherapy and other non-medication approaches.
She is the author of three bestselling books, It’s Gonna Be OK!: Proven Ways to Improve Your Child's Mental Health, The Teletherapy Toolkit, and Brain Under Attack. Dr. Roseann is known for offering a message of hope through science-endorsed methods that promote a calm brain.
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