Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
As a therapist and mom, I know how tough it is to see your child overwhelmed by big emotions. Whether your little one melts down over Legos or struggles to find calm after a tough day in school, helping them build emotional intelligence can allow them to self-regulate and handle stress on their own, in the long run.
The good news? You can teach them to manage those feelings with simple, proven tools, even at home!
What is self-regulation, and why does it matter for kids?
Self-regulation is how your child manages their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that support positive interactions with others. It's not about suppressing feelings, but about learning to respond to them in a healthy and constructive way.
Why it matters:
- Improves focus and learning
- Enhances social relationships
- Reduces behavioral issues
- Builds resilience to stress
Example: A child who can pause and take a deep breath instead of hitting when frustrated is demonstrating self-regulation.
How does Emotional Intelligence help children thrive?
Emotional intelligence is the ability for children to recognize their own feelings, understand how those feelings affect their behavior, and respond to others with kindness and empathy.
High Emotional intelligence in children leads to:
- Better academic performance
- Improved mental health
- Stronger friendships
- Effective conflict resolution skills
Example: A child who notices a friend is sad and offers comfort is using emotional intelligence.
What are the signs of self-regulation and emotional intelligence difficulties in children?
Signs your child is struggling with dysregulation:
- Frequent tantrums or outbursts
- Difficulty calming down
- Overreaction to minor frustrations
- Withdrawal or avoidance behaviors
- Disorganizations
- Difficulty with transitions
- Poor time management
- Restlessness and hyperactivity
Want more tools to help your child regulate their emotions?
How can parents teach self-regulation and emotional intelligence at home?
Parents play a crucial role in teaching self-regulation through modeling and guidance. Strategies include:
- Establish routines: Consistent schedules provide a sense of security.
- Teach coping skills: Deep breathing, counting, or using a calm-down space.
- Use visual aids: Emotion charts help children identify feelings.
- Positive reinforcement: Praise efforts to manage emotions.
- Expressing emotions appropriately: Share feelings calmly and constructively.
- Practicing empathy: Show understanding of others' emotions.
- Demonstrating coping strategies: Use techniques like deep breathing in stressful situations.
| Age Group | Example Strategy |
|---|---|
| Toddlers | Emotion picture cards, sensory play |
| Early Elementary | Breathing exercises, emotion charts |
| Tweens | Journaling, cognitive reappraisal |
| Teens | Guided meditation, peer support talks |
What tools can support emotional regulation in kids?
Several resources can aid in developing self-regulation:
- Emotion charts: Visual aids to identify and express feelings.
- Calm-down kits: Include items like stress balls, fidget toys, or soothing music.
- Books and stories: Stories that discuss emotions and coping strategies.
- Apps: Mindfulness and meditation apps designed for children.
Example: The “QuickCalm™ Toolkit ” offers structured activities to teach emotional regulation at home, in less than 7 days
When should I seek professional help for my child?
Here are signs it’s time to connect with a professional:
- Emotional outbursts that are frequent or extreme
- Difficulty calming down even with support
- Persistent anxiety, sadness, or irritability
- Trouble making or keeping friends
- Ongoing problems with sleep, eating, or school refusal
- Self-harming behaviors or talk of hopelessness
👉 Let’s calm the brain first. When regulation improves, everything else gets easier.
Parent Action Steps:
FAQ
What age should I start teaching self-regulation?
It’s never too early. Even toddlers can begin learning basic regulation with co-regulation and routines. The earlier you start, the stronger the foundation.
How long does it take to see progress?
It depends on your child’s baseline and consistency with strategies. Some families see small changes in weeks, while bigger shifts in emotional regulation can take months. Remember: Progress isn’t linear, but it is possible.
Can kids with ADHD or autism learn self-regulation?
Yes! It may take more modeling and repetition, but all kids can build regulation skills. Start with co-regulation, and use structured supports to scaffold their learning.
What’s the difference between emotional intelligence and emotional regulation?
Emotional intelligence is understanding emotions (yours and others). Emotional regulation is about managing those emotions in healthy ways. They work hand in hand.
Is emotional dysregulation a mental health disorder?
Emotional dysregulation itself isn’t a diagnosis—it’s a symptom. But it often shows up with ADHD, anxiety, OCD, autism, and PANS/PANDAS. That’s why calming the nervous system is key to supporting real change.
Citations:
Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Eggum, N. D. (2010). Emotion-related self-regulation and its relation to children's maladjustment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 495–525. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.121208.131208PMC
Dennis, T. A., & Hajcak, G. (2009). The development of cognitive reappraisal: An ERP study of children, adolescents, and young adults. Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, 1(3), 352–362. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dcn.2011.06.002PMC+1andl.wjh.harvard.edu+1
Capanna-Hodge, R. (2023). Self-regulation and emotional intelligence. Dr. Roseann. https://drroseann.com/self-regulation-and-emotional-intelligence/
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge is a licensed mental health expert that is frequently cited in the media:
- CBS2 New York (Article) Experts Offer Tips On How To Help Children Deal With Anxiety.
- Parade Want to Know How to Overcome Social Anxiety? We've got Help!.
Are you looking for SOLUTIONS for your struggling child or teen?
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