Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
When a child is dysregulated, it can feel like everything is spinning out of control. Emotional outbursts, irritability, and overwhelm often happen when the nervous system is out of balance.
What is Emotional Dysregulation?
Emotional dysregulation happens when a child’s nervous system gets overwhelmed and can’t cope in the moment. It’s not defiance – it’s just your child’s brain struggling to stay composed.
Some common triggers:
- Feeling Overwhelmed: Provide a safe and calm space.
- Tiredness: Ensure consistent sleep and bedtime routine.
- Hunger: Maintain regular meals and snack times.
- Sensory Overstimulation: Reduce environmental stimuli.
- Feeling Misunderstood/Not Heard: Practice active listening.
- Change in Routine: Maintain a predictable structure.
- Conflict with Peers: Teach conflict resolution.
- Academic Pressure: Create a supportive learning environment.
- Feeling Excluded: Foster inclusion.
- Lack of Autonomy: Offer age-appropriate choices and responsibilities.
- Childhood Trauma: Other children’s dysregulation can stem from post traumatic stress disorder.
- Underlying mental health issues: ADHD, Anxiety, OCD, PANS/PANDAS, etc.
In those intense moments, your child struggles to manage emotions or think clearly. The good news? There are proven strategies that can help bring your child’s nervous system back into balance.
These tools not only help in the moment but also build lasting self-regulation skills. Let us explore simple strategies that bring calm back into your child’s life—one step at a time.
What Should I Say To Help My Child Regulate Emotions?
When a child is emotionally dysregulated, it’s not about being difficult but instead, it’s a sign their nervous system is overwhelmed and calling out for support. In those tough moments, think less about control and more about connection.
Why your response matters:
- Kids thrive when you respond, not react
- To show them that big feelings are safe to feel
- To make them feel they’re not alone in facing the challenges
- Regulation starts when your kid feels seen, heard, and safe.
That’s where these handy parent scripts come in. They give you a lifeline—phrases that steady your voice and guide your child back from the brink. Use them when things get rocky or better yet, before.
You don’t need to do everything at once. You just need a place to start.
1. Co-Regulation: Putting Your Own Oxygen Mask On
Addressing emotional dysregulation in children requires you to level with your child in order to understand them and guide them properly.
Why Co-regulation Matters:
- Kids soak up your calm like a sponge in a puddle
- Kids can mirror your energy
- When they see you steady, they learn how to handle those big feelings without spiraling.
When your nervous system is regulated, you create the stability your child needs to settle theirs through co-regulation. Over time, they learn to recognize how to respond to their own feelings naturally.
Remember—calm the brain first, and the rest begins to fall into place. That’s the magic.
| SAY | DON’T SAY |
|---|---|
| “We can handle this together.” | “Why can’t you just calm down?" |
| “I’m here for you, we’ll work through this.” | “Stop overreacting all the time!” |
| “Take a deep breath with me, let’s calm down.” | “What’s wrong with you?” |
| “I know this feels tough, but we’ll get through it.” | “Why are you always so dramatic?” |
| “Let’s figure this out together.” | “You’re just making things worse.” |
Encouragement goes a long way when your child’s emotions seem out of control. Criticisms or even expressions of frustration can intensify a child’s emotional dysregulation, counteracting efforts to teach emotional self-regulation.
2. Don’t Argue or Fact Fight With an Emotionally Dysregulated Child
Those big reactions—yelling, stomping, crying that just won’t quit—aren’t about defiance. And helping kids through their emotional dysregulation takes more than quick fixes or tough love.
When emotions run hot, the way we speak always matters – even amongst adults!
How to “Not Argue”?
- Use soothing words and a gentle tone
- Use soft body language. Sit beside your child on the floor instead of towering over them or pacing. A neutral facial expression with some gentle smiles can make a difference too.
- Validate their emotions without trying to fix them immediately
- Use pauses when speaking. Take a slow breath before you respond
- Avoid correcting right away
- Stay out of the “logic loop” – you don’t have to “win” every conversation
When we’re able to control ourselves, we also teach our kids self-control.
| SAY | DON’T SAY |
|---|---|
| “I see you’re upset; let’s talk about it.” | "Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.” |
| “It’s okay to feel this way; I’m here to help.” | “You’re just seeking attention.” |
| “I understand that you’re feeling overwhelmed; let’s find a solution together.” | “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?” |
| “I know this feels hard right now, and I want to listen. I’ll be able to hear you better when your voice is calmer” | “I don’t want to hear it unless you can speak calmly.” |
3. Don’t Personalize the Behavior
When your kid’s emotions blow up out of nowhere, it’s easy to feel like they’re coming at you on purpose, especially when you’re already drained and doing your best as a parent. But here’s the thing—that emotional explosion isn’t personal. They come from a brain that’s struggling hard just to stay regulated.
Most kids don’t yet have the words to say, “I’m overwhelmed.” That’s why it’s easier to offer grace to a toddler in tears on the kitchen floor — but older kids need that same compassion, too.
Emotional regulation is a skill that takes years to build – even for us adults. Their outbursts aren’t attacks—they’re signs. Think flares going up from a nervous system stuck in overdrive.
When you can hold that perspective, it becomes easier to stay calm and steady — even when they can’t.
| SAY | DON’T SAY |
|---|---|
| Neutral observations like “I notice you’re having a hard time.” | Personalized reactions like “Why are you doing this to me?” |
| Supportive statements such as “It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed.” | Blaming remarks such as “You’re always causing trouble.” |
| Questions to understand, like “What’s bothering you right now?” | Negative comments like “You’re so difficult to deal with.” |
| Empathetic comments like “I’m here to help you work through your feelings.” | Comparisons like “Why can’t you be like your sibling?” |
4. Don’t Assume Your Child Knows What They Should Do
Children aren’t born knowing how to handle big emotions. Emotional regulation isn’t automatic—it’s something they learn with time, support, and practice.
That’s where we come in as parents – not just managing meltdowns, but teaching lifelong skills. When we help them name their feelings and move through them without shame, we’re building their emotional regulation skills from the inside out.
So if your child seems all over the place emotionally, don’t assume they know what to do next – their brain needs help settling down.
| SAY | DON’T SAY |
|---|---|
| Guidance phrases like “Let's think about what we can do differently.” | Expectant questions such as “Why don't you know how to behave?” |
| Supportive statements such as “It's okay not to know; we can learn together.” | Negative remarks like “You should know better.” |
| Questions that encourage self reflection include, “What do you think might help you feel better?” | Blaming comments like “You're always so emotional.” |
5. Foster Coping and Problem Solving Skills
Teaching kids how to cope and problem-solve isn’t just about calming today’s storm. It’s how we raise future stress warriors who know how to ride life’s waves with confidence and resilience.
Big feelings can leave kids tangled up without words or tools to explain what’s happening inside. Their brains are still learning how to manage all that energy and emotion.
That’s why your calm presence matters more than you might think. When you gently open the door to conversation, you create safety—and that’s where emotional growth begins.
With the right support, they can learn to understand their feelings and respond in healthier ways. They start building emotional muscles, even if they stumble along the way.
Just remember that a dysregulated child isn’t acting out on purpose—they’re doing their best with the tools they have. Your role isn’t to fix their feelings, it’s to be their anchor while they learn how to navigate them.
So breathe with them, sit beside them, and remind yourself that co-regulation builds self-regulation. That’s how change really happens—one safe moment at a time.
| SAY | DON’T SAY |
|---|---|
| Encouraging strategies like “What helped you feel better last time?” or “Let's try a calming activity together.” | Invalidating their feelings like saying, “You're just overreacting.” |
| Supportive statements such as “You have the tools to manage this” and “We can work through this together.” | Dismissive comments like “It's not a big deal” or “Stop making a fuss.” |
| Questions that promote problem-solving include, “What do you think might help in this situation?” | Negative remarks such as “You should be able to handle this by now.” |
Don’t Forget To Look at Common Emotional Triggers
Kids don’t always know how to deal with big feelings – and emotions like anger and sadness can hit hard and last long.
Recognizing what triggers those moments helps you support your child and build their emotional regulation skills over time.
At my CT Ridgefield Clinic, we do more than just help children calm their brains; we also empower parents with simple, effective tools to support their child through dysregulation. In my 30 years as a mental health professional, I’ve seen firsthand how powerful these parent scripts can be. They help children reset, regain control, and find calm—even during the toughest moments.
When we teach our kids how to cope, we help them reset a dysregulated brain and change their behavior. If emotional struggles start affecting their daily life, it’s really important to seek professional support.
Remember, it is not just about managing emotions. It is also about nurturing emotional growth, resilience, and understanding in your child’s unique journey.
Ready to address your child’s or teen’s dysregulated behavior? Explore our BrainBehaviorReset™ Program. Use our solution matcher or tune in to my It’s Gonna Be OK! Podcast for parents to find the right approach.
FAQ's
Can emotional dysregulation lead to disruptive mood dysregulation disorder?
Yes, if left unaddressed, chronic emotional dysregulation, particularly in school-age children, can lead to conditions like Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD). Kids who often feel overwhelmed, irritable, or have frequent outbursts and mood swings may be struggling with more than just a “bad day”. The good news? With consistent support from your family and having the right tools and resources, your kids can learn to manage their emotions before they escalate into something more serious.
What are parent scripts and how do they help during emotional dysregulation?
Parent scripts are intentional, calming phrases you say to your child when they’re overwhelmed, melting down, or emotionally flooded. These scripts model emotional regulation and offer your child a sense of safety and predictability, which is critical when their nervous system feels out of control.
Why do I need to use scripts—can’t I just talk to my child naturally?
In moments of stress, your child’s brain isn’t able to process complex or unpredictable language. Scripts help you stay calm, avoid reactive responses, and ensure your message is emotionally grounding and consistent—especially when your own stress is triggered too.
What if my child doesn’t respond right away to the script?
That’s completely normal. Regulation doesn’t always happen instantly. Scripts aren’t magic words—they’re emotional anchors. Your steady presence, tone, and timing matter just as much as the words themselves. Keep using them. You’re wiring their brain for future calm.
Citations:
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2021). Addressing Early Childhood Emotional and Behavioral Problems. Pediatrics.
Chervonsky, E., & Hunt, C. (2019). Emotion regulation, mental health, and social wellbeing in a young adolescent sample: A concurrent and longitudinal investigation. Emotion, 19(2), 270-282. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29697988/
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Self-Regulation who frequently is in the media:
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- HomeschoolOT Therapy Services Understanding Nervous System Dysregulation in Children: A Guide for Homeschool Parents
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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