When a child is dysregulated, it can feel like everything is out of control. Emotional outbursts, irritability, and overwhelm often happen when the nervous system is out of balance. In these moments, your child struggles to manage emotions or think clearly. The good news? There are strategies to help bring the nervous system back into balance.
At my CT Ridgefield clinic, we not only assist children in calming their brains but also empower parents with strategies to support their children's dysregulation. In my 30 years as a mental health professional, these parent scripts have proven to be a gold mine to help your child reset, be calm, and regain control. These tools not only help at the moment but also teach your child the skills to self-regulate and navigate challenges more easily. Let’s explore how to bring calm back to your child’s life, one strategy at a time.
What to Say to Help Your Child Regulate Emotions
Effectively communicating with a child experiencing emotional dysregulation is crucial for helping them learn to regulate emotions. Emotional expression plays a significant role in helping children communicate their feelings and manage their emotions. It’s important to approach these situations with empathy and understanding, recognizing that emotion dysregulation in children is often a signal of underlying stress or anxiety disorders. Here are some parent scripts designed to support your child in developing emotion regulation skills, improving their mental health, and fostering emotional growth.
It’s important to remember that dysregulation isn’t about misbehavior—it’s a sign that the nervous system is under stress and needs support. Here are some parent scripts that you can use that can help your dysregulated child self regulate emotions and to open the line of communication.
#1 Co-Regulation: Putting Your Own Oxygen Mask On
Addressing emotional dysregulation in children requires a parent's emotional regulation. Young people learn through observation, and when you demonstrate calmness, they are likely to respond in the same way.
By embracing self-care and calmness, parents can effectively engage in co-regulation and be role models for children and adolescents. This approach fosters a stable environment, aiding children in learning to manage their emotional dysregulation symptoms in a healthy way and even improve over-all health conditions.
Say:
- Encouragements like “We can handle this together” can be pivotal in co-regulating emotional dysregulation in kids.
Don’t Say:
- Avoid criticisms or expressions of frustration, as these can intensify a child's emotional dysregulation, counteracting efforts to teach emotional self-regulation. Avoid statements such as, “Why can't you just calm down?” or “Stop overreacting all the time!”
#2 Don’t Argue or Fact Fight With an Emotionally Dysregulated Child
Addressing emotional dysregulation in children, particularly in moments of heightened emotional outbursts and exaggerated emotional responses, requires a delicate approach. Rather than engaging in disputes or fact-fighting with a dysregulated child or an emotionally dysregulated kid, which may lead to behavioral dysregulation or exacerbate emotional dysfunction, a more empathetic response is beneficial.
Phrases aimed at calming a dysregulated child, understanding emotional dysregulation symptoms, giving space for self reflection, and avoiding escalation are crucial.
Say:
- Use calming statements that align with effective strategies for how to calm a dysregulated child.- “I see you’re upset; let’s talk about it.”
- “It’s okay to feel this way; I’m here to help.”
- “I understand that you’re feeling overwhelmed; let’s find a solution together.”
Don’t Say:
- Refrain from argumentative responses or logical contradictions that can intensify the situation, which is especially important in managing emotional dysregulation in toddlers and older children.- “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”
- “You’re just seeking attention.”
- “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?”
- “I don’t want to hear it unless you can speak calmly.”
#3 Don’t Personalize the Behavior
Understanding that a child’s emotional dysregulation, such as emotional dysregulation in children or teens, is not a personal attack can help parents respond more effectively to emotional dysregulation in kids. Excessive emotional responses are part of this behavior and should not be taken personally. These emotionally dysregulated children often struggle to self-regulate their emotions, and their dysregulated behavior isn’t something they are doing on purpose.
Keeping this perspective is particularly important in managing dysregulation in older kids and teens (we seem to have more patience for toddler dysregulation), where emotional outbursts, like uncontrolled emotional outbursts, are often impulsive and not directed at the parent.
Recognizing emotional dysregulation symptoms and avoiding personalized reactions is essential in supporting a dysregulated child.
Say:
- Neutral observations like “I notice you’re having a hard time.”
- Supportive statements such as “It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
- Questions to understand, like “What’s bothering you right now?”
- Empathetic comments like “I’m here to help you work through your feelings.”
Don’t Say:
- Personalized reactions like “Why are you doing this to me?”
- Blaming remarks such as “You’re always causing trouble.”
- Negative comments like “You’re so difficult to deal with.”
- Comparisons like “Why can’t you be like your sibling?”
#4 Don’t Assume Your Child Knows What They Should Do
Children often lack the innate ability to regulate their emotions, leading to emotional dysregulation in children. Parents should guide them by defining emotional dysregulation and helping them understand their feelings, emotional processing disorder, and appropriate responses. It's important to remember that these kids may struggle to self-regulate despite being bright and aren't acting like this on purpose.
Say:
- Guidance phrases like “Let's think about what we can do differently.”
- Supportive statements such as “It's okay not to know; we can learn together.”
- Questions that encourage self reflection include, “What do you think might help you feel better?”
Don't Say:
- Expectant questions such as “Why don't you know how to behave?”
- Negative remarks like “You should know better.”
- Blaming comments like “You're always so emotional.”
#5 Foster Coping and Problem Solving Skills
Teaching children coping mechanisms and problem-solving skills is essential in managing emotional dysregulation symptoms and emotional processing disorders, not just today, but help them be future stress slayers. Remember that dysregulated kids have trouble expressing emotions, so you might need to initiate the conversation.
These strategies empower children to handle their emotions in a healthy, constructive way, especially when they may struggle to self-regulate and aren't acting like this on purpose.
Say:
- Encouraging strategies like “What helped you feel better last time?” or “Let's try a calming activity together.”
- Supportive statements such as “You have the tools to manage this” and “We can work through this together.”
- Questions that promote problem-solving include, “What do you think might help in this situation?”
Don't Say:
- Invalidating their feelings, for example, “You're just overreacting.”
- Dismissive comments like “It's not a big deal” or “Stop making a fuss.”
- Negative remarks such as “You should be able to handle this by now.”
By using these scripts, you can help your child navigate intense emotions, manage emotional reactivity, and build self-regulation skills. This approach not only aids at the moment but also equips your child with the tools to handle future emotional challenges, reducing the risk of disruptive mood dysregulation disorder or other mood disorders.
What is Emotional Dysregulation?
Kids become dysregulated when their nervous system is overwhelmed or out of balance. This can happen for a variety of reasons—maybe they’re overstimulated by too much sensory input, struggling with anxiety, temper tantrums, disproportionate reactions, or dealing with underlying issues like ADHD, trauma, mood challenges, conduct disorders, borderline personality disorder or other childhood disorders.
When the nervous system is overstretched, it can’t respond in the calm, focused way it needs to, leading to big emotional reactions, trouble concentrating, or even shutdowns. When the brain is calm it can handle emotional challenges, which can lead to better interpersonal relationships.
What is Co-Regulation and Self Regulation?
Navigating emotional dysregulation in children, including emotional dysregulation in kids, can be daunting. Regulating emotional responses is a key part of the strategies for managing emotional dysregulation. Tailored strategies for emotional and behavioral development, as well as addressing emotional dysregulation symptoms, are crucial. In this guide, we explore self-regulation and co-regulation, essential tools for managing emotional dysregulation and emotional processing disorder.
Techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, and positive self-talk, alongside shared activities, strengthen the parent-child bond. These strategies foster emotional growth and understanding, especially when children struggle to self-regulate and aren’t acting deliberately.
Practical Tips for Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation
Self-regulation and co-regulation are essential skills that help children manage their emotions and navigate stressful situations with greater ease. These skills are particularly important as they can mitigate the risk of mental health concerns stemming from emotional dysregulation. Practical tips, like calm-down strategies and co-regulating techniques, can support your child in developing these skills while creating a safe, structured environment.
Self-Regulation Strategies:
- Deep Breathing: Practice taking slow, deep breaths to calm the nervous system.
- Mindfulness: Engage in activities like mindful walking or eating to stay present.
- Positive Self-Talk: Remind yourself of your strengths and ability to handle challenges.
- Understanding and Managing One's Own Emotions: Recognize and accept your feelings to reduce confusion and guilt, and learn from caregivers who model emotion regulation skills.
Co-Regulation Strategies:
- Reading Together: Share a book to foster calmness and bonding.
- Nature Walks: Spend time outdoors to reduce stress and connect.
- Relaxation Techniques: Practice yoga or guided meditations together to promote calmness.
These strategies aim to not only help regulate emotions but also strengthen the emotional connection between parent and child, fostering a nurturing environment for emotional growth.
Don’t Forget To Look at Common Emotional Triggers
Understanding and empathizing with children’s emotional challenges, including emotional dysregulation in children, is crucial for parents, caregivers, and educators. Children often face negative emotions, such as anger and sadness, more intensely and for longer periods than usual. Recognizing and addressing common emotional triggers associated with emotional dysregulation is essential for nurturing their emotional well-being and effectively managing emotional dysregulation and emotional processing disorder.
It’s natural to be concerned when children experience emotional turmoil. Remember that emotional dysregulation often arises from common triggers encountered in daily life.
Common emotional triggers:
- Feeling Overwhelmed: Provide a safe and calm space.
- Tiredness: Ensure consistent sleep and bedtime routine.
- Hunger: Maintain regular meal and snack times.
- Sensory Overstimulation: Reduce environmental stimuli.
- Feeling Misunderstood/Not Heard: Practice active listening.
- Change in Routine: Maintain a predictable structure.
- Conflict with Peers: Teach conflict resolution.
- Academic Pressure: Create a supportive learning environment.
- Feeling Excluded: Foster inclusion.
- Lack of Autonomy: Offer age-appropriate choices and responsibilities.
- Childhood Trauma: Other children's dysregulation can stem from post traumatic stress disorder.
Recognizing and empathizing with these common emotional triggers is a shared journey for parents, caregivers, and educators. It’s a journey that involves patience, understanding, and unwavering support as you work together to guide children through the complexities of their emotional world. When we reinforce coping skills, children have the ability to heal a dysregulated brain and behavior. If you notice that your child's emotional dysregulation is interfering with their daily activities or leading to depression and suicidal thoughts, and anxiety disorders, it is crucial to seek professional help.
Remember, it’s not just about managing emotional dysregulation; it’s about nurturing emotional growth, understanding, and resilience in your child’s unique emotional landscape.
If you are ready to address your child’s or teen’s dysregulated behavior, then our BrainBehaviorReset™ Program is your next step. Take our solution matcher or listen to my It’s Gonna Be OK! Podcast for parents, and these will guide you to the right solution.
Can dysregulation lead to disruptive mood dysregulation disorder?
Yes, a dysregulated child has an increased risk of having Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD), particularly in school-age children who struggle with regulating their emotions. Maltreated children or those who face chronic stress may have difficulty registering emotions and responding appropriately, leading to challenges in their peer relationships and overall behavior.
As a result, these children may display frequent irritability, outbursts, and mood swings, which are key characteristics of DMDD. Family members can play a crucial role in supporting the young person by fostering emotional regulation and providing a stable environment that encourages healthy emotional expression.
How is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder connected to dysregulation?
In child psychology, research suggests that ADHD may have a tendency to suppress emotions rather than express them appropriately, which can contribute to emotional outbursts or mood swings. Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is closely connected to dysregulation, as children with ADHD often experience difficulties with executive functioning, such as impulse control and emotional regulation.
These deficits can lead to struggles with managing attention, behavior, and emotions. Treating ADHD effectively through behavioral interventions or medication can help improve these executive functioning skills, leading to better emotional regulation and a reduction in dysregulated behaviors.
How do childhood adversity and trauma affect a child's emotional regulation and coping skills?
Childhood adversity, including childhood maltreatment, can disrupt a child’s ability to regulate emotions, leading to suppressed feelings and difficulty managing mood swings. Without healthy coping strategies or self-control, these children may struggle with emotional expression and managing stress. Trauma can further intensify these challenges, making it harder for children to develop the skills needed for emotional regulation and increasing their risk for future emotional difficulties.
Citations:
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2021). Addressing Early Childhood Emotional and Behavioral Problems. Pediatrics.
Chervonsky, E., & Hunt, C. (2019). Emotion regulation, mental health, and social wellbeing in a young adolescent sample: A concurrent and longitudinal investigation. Emotion, 19(2), 270-282. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29697988/
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Self-Regulation who frequently is in the media:
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- HomeschoolOT Therapy Services Understanding Nervous System Dysregulation in Children: A Guide for Homeschool Parents
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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©Roseann Capanna-Hodge
Dr. Roseann is a Children’s Mental Health Expert and Licensed Therapist who has been featured in/on hundreds of media outlets including The Mel Robbins Show, CBS, NBC, PIX11 NYC, Today, FORBES, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Business Insider, Women’s Day, Healthline, CNET, Parade Magazine and PARENTS. FORBES called her, “A thought leader in children’s mental health.”
She coined the terms, “Re-entry panic syndrome” and “eco-anxiety” and is a frequent contributor to media on mental health.
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge has three decades of experience in working with children, teens and their families with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, concussion, dyslexia and learning disability, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), depression and mood disorder, Lyme Disease, and PANS/PANDAS using science-backed natural mental health solutions such as supplements, magnesium, nutrition, QEEG Brain maps, neurofeedback, PEMF, psychotherapy and other non-medication approaches.
She is the author of three bestselling books, It’s Gonna Be OK!: Proven Ways to Improve Your Child's Mental Health, The Teletherapy Toolkit, and Brain Under Attack. Dr. Roseann is known for offering a message of hope through science-endorsed methods that promote a calm brain.
Her trademarked BrainBehaviorResetⓇ Program and It’s Gonna be OK!Ⓡ Podcast has been a cornerstone for thousands of parents facing mental health, behavioral or neurodevelopmental challenges.
She is the founder and director of The Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health, Neurotastic™Brain Formulas and Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC. Dr. Roseann is a Board Certified Neurofeedback (BCN) Practitioner, a Board Member of the Northeast Region Biofeedback Society (NRBS), Certified Integrative Mental Health Professional (CIMHP) and an Amen Clinic Certified Brain Health Coach. She is also a member of The International Lyme Disease and Associated Disease Society (ILADS), The American Psychological Association (APA), Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) National Association of School Psychologists (NASP), International OCD Foundation (IOCDF).
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