The #1 reason your kid doesn’t listen isn’t defiance or attitude—it’s brain state. This episode reveals why listening shuts down during dysregulation and how calming the nervous system restores connection, guided by Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, founder of Regulation First Parenting™ and expert in childhood emotional dysregulation.
When parents understand the reason your kid doesn’t listen, everything shifts. This episode breaks down how nervous system dysregulation—not attitude—impacts how kids listen, especially during transitions, and shows parents how calming the brain first restores connection and cooperation.
Why does my child ignore me when I know they understand?
This is such a big deal for many parents. Your child may be perfectly capable of understanding your words—and still not process them because their child’s actual developmental reality doesn’t always match what we’re expecting in that moment.
Listening isn’t a skill; it’s a brain state. When kids are dysregulated, the brain deprioritizes language, which can deeply strain the parent child relationship if we don’t understand what’s really happening.
It’s not “they won’t,” it’s “they can’t—right now.” That’s why my work is about helping teach parents to stop personalizing behavior and start responding to the nervous system instead.
Behavior is communication, and a child who ignores you is often overwhelmed or under-stimulated—which is why regulation always comes before cooperation. This is where practical tips rooted in brain science make all the difference.
Takeaways:
- Dysregulation shuts down auditory processing
- Overstimulated brains feel noisy and reactive
- Understimulated brains feel flat and checked out
Real life Scenario: A parent asks a child to wear shoes, stop playing, grab their school bag—nothing. The child isn’t defiant. Their nervous system is louder than your voice.
Is my child being disrespectful or oppositional?
Many parents worry about oppositional defiant disorder or long-term disrespect. But compliance connotes coercion, and real listening comes from connection—not control, especially when we understand how children emotionally experience stress and authority.
When children feel emotionally safe, their willingness to cooperate rises, and children follow rules more naturally. That’s how civil society operates—through regulation and relationships that children facilitate autonomy, not fear.
What helps:
- Stop assuming attitude
- Avoid yelling (voice carrying escalates stress)
- Offer gentle guidance instead of pathetic commands carried by frustration
It’s not bad parenting—it’s a dysregulated brain.
Want to stay calm when your child pushes every button?
Become a Dysregulation Insider VIP and get the FREE Regulation Rescue Kit—your step-by-step guide to stop oppositional behaviors without yelling or giving in.
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Why do kids struggle most during transitions?
Transitions are hard because expecting children to shift instantly ignores their developmental capability. The brain needs time to shift states.
Practical strategies:
- Use fewer words (“Shoes on now” vs. long lectures)
- Give a “just a minute” warning
- Add a sensory cue: light touch, visual gesture, quietly remind
Real-Life Example: Instead of yelling to stop throwing knives (or toys), move closer, make eye contact if tolerated, and calmly cue the next step.
Want a quick and easy shot of calm? Try Quick CALM to help regulate your child’s brain before giving directions.
What does listening look like when the brain is ready?
Listening doesn’t always mean eye contact. Don’t force it. Kids pay attention in different ways.
Signs the brain is online:
- Body turns toward you
- Breath slows
- Less delay in response
Children physically show readiness before they follow rules. That’s your cue to speak.
How do I help my child listen without yelling?
Connection promotes competence. Spend time building relationships and create shared moments outside of conflict. This builds intrinsic motivation and long-term regulation—something many parenting advice books overlook when they focus on compliance over connection.
Advanced strategies parents forget:
- Match tone—slow and steady
- Lower language load
- Invite collaboration: “Are you ready?”
️ “Your child isn’t trying to make your life harder—their nervous system is just louder than your voice.” — Dr. Roseann
Takeaway
You’re not alone. Your child’s behavior isn’t personal—it’s neurological. When you calm the brain first, listening follows. It’s gonna be OK. You have more power than you think.
FAQs
Why does my child only listen when I yell?
Because yelling spikes alertness. Calm regulation teaches sustainable listening.
Should I get a hearing test?
If you suspect physiological hearing issues, yes—but most listening problems are neurological, not hearing-related.
Is eye contact required for listening?
No. Many kids listen without direct eye contact.
Do screens affect listening?
Yes. Screens involved can overstimulate the nervous system and reduce auditory processing.
Can kids learn to listen better?
Absolutely. With regulation-first strategies, children’s capacity to listen grows.
Tired of not knowing what’s really going on with your child?
The Solution Matcher gives you a personalized recommendation based on your child’s behavior, not just a label.
It’s free, takes just a few minutes, and shows you the best next step.
Go to www.drroseann.com/help
