C – Co-Regulation: Your Calm Becomes Their Calm

Before you can help your child regulate, you must regulate yourself. When kids are overwhelmed, their nervous system is in overdrive, and they rely on you to help them find calm.

Try This:

• Instead of reacting with frustration, take a deep breath and lower your voice.
• Say: “I see you’re upset. Let’s take a moment to breathe together.”
• If you struggle with staying calm, practice self-regulation techniques like deep breathing, movement, or grounding exercises.

Why It Works: Children learn emotional regulation by watching you. When you stay calm, their brain receives the signal that it’s safe to calm down, too.

A – Avoid Personalizing the Behavior: It’s Not About You

When kids lose control, it’s easy to feel frustrated, embarrassed, or even guilty. But meltdowns aren’t personal—they’re a sign your child is struggling to regulate their emotions.

Shift Your Mindset:

• Instead of thinking “Why are they doing this to me?” try “What is my child struggling with right now?”
• Remind yourself: Your child isn’t giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time.
• Avoid reacting emotionally. Instead, approach with curiosity and help them problem-solve once they’re calm.

Why It Works: When you separate the behavior from your emotions, you stay in control and help your child do the same.

L – Look for Root Causes: What’s Behind the Behavior?

A meltdown is never just about one thing. Kids act out when they’re overstimulated, overtired, hungry, anxious, or struggling with sensory or mental health challenges.

Be a Parent Detective:

• Is your child overstimulated? Try reducing noise, bright lights, or chaotic environments.
• Is there an unmet need? Hunger, fatigue, or sensory overload can lead to emotional dysregulation.
• Is anxiety playing a role? If your child struggles with worry or stress, they may need extra support in calming their nervous system.

Why It Works: Instead of just reacting to the meltdown, you’re addressing the cause, making future meltdowns less likely.

M – Model Coping Strategies: Show, Don’t Just Tell

Kids don’t magically learn self-control—they copy what they see. Your child needs to see you handle stress in healthy ways so they can learn to do the same.

What You Can Do:

• Narrate your own coping skills: “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond.”
• Teach simple self-soothing techniques like deep breathing, squeezing a stress ball, or taking a movement break.
• Practice together—make calming strategies part of daily life, not just meltdown moments.

Why It Works: When kids see calm responses in real-life situations, they internalize those behaviors and develop their own coping skills.

S – Support and Reinforce: Celebrate Small Wins

The key to lasting self-control is positive reinforcement. Kids need consistent encouragement and recognition when they make progress, no matter how small.

How to Reinforce Self-Control:

• Praise effort, not just results: “I saw you take a deep breath before getting upset—that was great self-control!”
• Use rewards strategically: Create a self-control success chart where kids track progress and earn small rewards.
• Be patient: Growth takes time. Expect setbacks and use them as teaching moments.

Why It Works: Acknowledging small successes builds confidence and makes kids more likely to repeat self-regulation behaviors.

Why CALMS Works for Every Child

The CALMS Method™ isn’t a one-time fix—it’s a daily practice that transforms how your child handles emotions, frustration, and impulse control. When you apply CALMS consistently, you’ll notice:

• Fewer meltdowns and emotional outbursts
• Better coping skills in stressful situations
• A more peaceful home environment

If you’re ready to stop the meltdowns and help your child build lifelong self-control, check out our Dysregulation Solution Program, where I walk parents through science-backed techniques for calming the brain.

Teaching Kids Self-Control and Emotion Regulation Skills

Every parent has been there—your child is crying because their block tower fell, grabbing a toy from their sibling, or losing it because you poured the wrong color juice cup. You’re doing your best to keep the peace, but their big emotions keep getting bigger.

It’s easy to wonder: Why can’t they just calm down? or Will they ever outgrow this?

The truth is, self-control isn’t something kids are born with—it’s something they learn. And the good news? You can teach it.

According to the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL), kids who learn to regulate their emotions early on do better in school, form healthier relationships, and handle stress more effectively (Zins et al., 2006). But teaching self-control isn’t about punishment, forcing kids to “behave,” or expecting perfection. It’s about helping them recognize their emotions, giving them the right tools, and showing them how to respond instead of react.

So where do you start?

How to Teach Self-Control: Start with Feelings and Emotions

Before kids can control their actions, they need to understand what they’re feeling. Think of emotions like a puzzle—children need help identifying the pieces before they can put them together.

Imagine this: You’re running late, your coffee spills, and your phone battery is at 1%. You feel that wave of frustration rising, but instead of taking a deep breath, you throw your phone across the room. Sounds extreme, right?

Now imagine you’re a toddler or young child. You feel the same frustration, but you don’t have the words or coping skills to express it. Instead, you scream, cry, or hit because that’s the only way you know how to communicate.

This is why teaching emotions first is the foundation of self-control. When kids can name what they’re feeling, they can start to manage those feelings instead of reacting impulsively.

Help Kids Recognize and Express Their Feelings

The first step in teaching self-control is helping kids notice and name their emotions. You can do this by narrating their emotions in real time when they experience them.

• “I see you’re upset because your tower fell.”
• “You’re smiling so big! You must feel really proud of yourself.”
• “I hear you stomping. Are you feeling frustrated that your game ended?”

This helps kids connect emotions to real-life experiences so they can recognize them in the future. But for some kids, especially those who struggle with impulse control, simply hearing the words isn’t enough—they need extra support to build their emotional vocabulary.

Normalize Emotions: It’s Okay to Feel This Way

Big emotions can feel overwhelming for kids, and they often don’t know if what they’re experiencing is normal. That’s why validating their emotions is a critical part of teaching self-control.

Instead of saying:

• “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”
• “You’re fine, just calm down.”
• “Big kids don’t get upset about that.”

Try this approach instead:

• “I can see you’re really upset right now. That’s okay! Can you tell me what happened?”
• “Your feelings are like a volcano ready to erupt! Let’s do some lava breathing together—breathe in deep, hold it… and let it out like a gentle lava flow.”
• “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s take a moment to breathe together. Then we can figure out what to do next.”

By acknowledging that all emotions are valid, you help your child feel seen and understood. That alone lowers stress and helps kids regulate more quickly.

Why Teaching Emotions First Helps With Self-Control

When kids feel heard and understood, they’re more willing to listen and learn. They realize they don’t have to act out to get their feelings across—they can name their emotion, ask for help, and use strategies to calm down.

This isn’t about perfection. Kids won’t get it right every time, and let’s be honest—neither do adults. But with practice, patience, and the right tools, they can develop the self-regulation skills they need to handle life’s frustrations without melting down.

And when that happens, life at home becomes a whole lot easier too.

Teach Self-Soothing Techniques

Once kids can recognize and name their emotions, the next step is giving them tools to manage their reactions. Teaching self-soothing techniques empowers kids to take control of their emotions instead of feeling controlled by them.

Here are some simple techniques you can practice with your child:

• Deep breathing exercises (like box breathing or belly breathing)
• Mindfulness meditation to help them slow down and notice their emotions
• Emotion charades to help them practice recognizing feelings
• Sensory play with materials like playdough or sand to provide calming input
• Journaling or drawing as a way to express feelings
• Yoga for kids to build mind-body awareness
• Storytime with emotional themes to help them connect with characters’ experiences
• Emotion identification games to strengthen their self-awareness
• Nature walks or outdoor play to help regulate their nervous system

These techniques are most effective when practiced during calm moments so kids already know how to use them when big emotions hit.

Create a Safe Space for Emotional Regulation

Even with all the right tools, sometimes kids just need a quiet place to reset when their emotions feel too big to manage.

Instead of using time-outs as punishment, create a calming space where they can go when they need to cool down.

This space might include:

• A cozy corner with soft pillows
• Dim lighting or a nightlight
• Noise-canceling headphones
• A small weighted blanket
• Calming scents like lavender
• Books or activity books
• Art supplies for creative expression
• A small indoor plant for a peaceful vibe

Let your child know that this space isn’t for punishment—it’s for calming down. Encourage them to use it when they need a break, not just when they’re already upset.

When Kids Need Extra Support for Self-Control and Emotional Regulation

Sometimes, helping kids develop self-control at home isn’t enough. If your child struggles with frequent meltdowns, extreme emotional swings, or has difficulty calming down no matter what you try, they may need extra support.

There are several proven ways to help children regulate their emotions when at-home strategies aren’t enough.

Therapeutic Approaches That Support Self-Control and Self-Regulation

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps kids understand the connection between their thoughts, feelings, and actions so they can learn to manage emotions in a healthier way.
• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) teaches kids how to handle big emotions, tolerate distress, and improve social skills—especially helpful for kids who get overwhelmed easily.
• Mindfulness and Breathing Practices train kids to pause before reacting, which strengthens self-control over time.
• Play Therapy allows younger kids to express their emotions through play, making it easier for them to work through difficult feelings.

Parent Training: The Most Effective Tool for Long-Term Success

Even with therapy or structured interventions, parent training is one of the most effective ways to help kids build self-regulation skills. The more you model, reinforce, and practice emotional regulation at home, the more your child learns.

If you’re looking for practical, science-backed strategies that actually work, check out my Dysregulation Solution Program, where I teach parents step-by-step how to help their kids develop self-control.

Final Thoughts on Self-Control 

Teaching kids self-control starts long before we expect them to “just calm down.” It begins with teaching them about emotions, helping them name their feelings, and giving them the right tools to manage them.

This process takes time, and there will be plenty of messy moments and setbacks along the way. But every time you guide your child through a big emotion, you’re building the brain pathways they need to handle frustration, wait their turn, and manage stress later in life.

And the more you practice, the easier it gets—for both of you.

Would you like step-by-step guidance in helping your child build self-regulation skills? Check out my Dysregulation Solution Program, where I walk parents through science-backed strategies that actually work.