It's Monday morning, and the chaos is unfolding. Your youngest is yelling over a forgotten school project, while your teenager gives you an attitude about needing a ride. Stress is building as your kids spiral, overwhelmed and unable to control their emotions.
We’ve all been there.
Raising a child who can manage stress before it escalates feels like an impossible dream. Every little thing sparks an emotional explosion, and you're stuck trying to keep it together.
But here's the key –teaching self-regulation. It's a skill your kids can develop, helping them handle overwhelming moments without meltdowns!
What Does a Child with Strong Self-Regulation Skills Look Like?
1. Listens and Pays Attention
A child with strong self-regulation skills can focus during tasks and actively listen without becoming distracted by every little thing around them. You’ll notice they’re more engaged during conversations or while working on a school project—they can filter out distractions and stay on track.
These kids are better at regulating their emotions and not immediately reacting to frustration or boredom. They have learned how to manage their emotions when they feel overwhelmed and stay calm rather than becoming emotionally reactive.
To help children regulate their emotions, it's essential to teach them tools to pause, reflect, and respond more thoughtfully.
2. Great Learning and Academic Performance
When kids can regulate their emotions, their learning and academic performance improve. They don’t let stress or frustration derail their focus, so they’re better able to understand and retain what they’re learning in school.
Implementing self-regulated strategy development in the classroom can help students plan, monitor, and assess their own learning, improving both academic performance and emotional resilience. They can manage time effectively, complete tasks without becoming overwhelmed, and bounce back from mistakes.
These self-regulation techniques lead to better academic outcomes because emotional control allows the brain to focus more on learning and problem-solving.
3. Have Social Relationships
Socially, kids with strong self-regulation skills can manage their emotions in social settings, which helps them interact more positively with others. They are more likely to control their emotions during conflicts with peers and respond calmly rather than impulsively. This makes it easier for them to maintain friendships and develop healthy relationships.
With a better understanding of a list of emotions for kids, they can recognize what they’re feeling and respond appropriately, helping them resolve conflicts and communicate more effectively in social situations.
4. Less Reactive and Manages Stress
Kids with strong self-regulation skills don’t get thrown off course by stress or emotional triggers. When faced with a stressful situation, they are less emotionally reactive and can down-regulate their emotions effectively, meaning they calm themselves before things spiral out of control.
Instead of reacting impulsively to frustration, anger, or anxiety, they’ve learned strategies to manage their feelings and regain emotional balance. These skills help them navigate challenges more smoothly, handle setbacks with resilience, and prevent overwhelming emotional reactions from taking over.
Why is Emotional Self-Regulation So Important?
Self-regulation is a cornerstone of long-term emotional and social success. It profoundly impacts how children navigate their experiences, relationships, and challenges throughout life. Understanding self-control examples can highlight its importance; for instance, a child who can pause and think before reacting to a frustrating situation is better equipped to manage conflicts and build healthier relationships.
Recent research in neurobiology, behavior, and social sciences has greatly improved our understanding of what helps or hinders children's development. It stresses the significance of early life experiences, where both genetics and environment interact to shape brain development and behavior. (Shonkoff et al., 2000)
By learning to control their emotions, children not only improve their interactions with peers but also enhance their ability to respond to adversity in constructive ways.
When children develop self-regulation skills, they lay the groundwork for self-control and emotional maturity. This foundation is crucial as they grow, enabling them to face the ups and downs of life with resilience. Without these skills, emotional dysregulation can lead to difficulties in relationships, academic struggles, and increased stress.
A vital aspect of self-regulation is the ability to down-regulate or calm oneself during stressful situations. This skill plays a significant role in stress management and problem-solving. When children learn to take a step back, breathe, and regroup, they can approach problems more rationally rather than reacting impulsively.
This ability not only enhances their coping mechanisms but also fosters a greater sense of control over their emotions and actions, leading to more positive outcomes in both their personal and academic lives.
How To Help Kids Regulate?
The CALMS Dysregulated Kid Parenting Protocol
In my Ridgefield, CT clinic, I have developed the CALMS Dysregulated Kid Parenting Protocol, which has proven to be a simple and effective guideline for helping parents manage their children's emotional meltdowns. This is one of the self-regulation strategies that I implemented, and it has brought success to thousands of families by offering a structured approach to emotional regulation. CALMS is an easy-to-remember acronym that you can keep in your back pocket as a handy technique for teaching your kids how to find calm when they need it.
C – Co-Regulation
Co-Regulation emphasizes that parents must first regulate their own emotions before responding to their child. It's important to avoid reacting impulsively, especially when emotions run high; seeking professional help may be beneficial if parents struggle with self-regulation.
A – Avoid Personalizing the Behavior
By Avoiding Personalizing the Behavior, parents can understand that their child's dysregulation is not intentional; children also feel bad when they lose control, just like adults do.
L – Look for Root Causes
The protocol encourages parents to Look for Root Causes of meltdowns, identifying underlying factors like overstimulation or a lack of structure. A mental health issue may even cause it. Each child has unique triggers, making it essential to engage in a bit of parent detective work.
M – Model Coping Strategies
Parents should Model Coping Strategies by consistently demonstrating healthy ways to handle stress and frustration. This not only teaches children emotional control but also helps them internalize these behaviors.
S – Support and Reinforce
Supporting and Reinforcing positive behaviors through praise and acknowledgment of small successes is crucial. This continuous reinforcement aids children in learning emotional regulation and fosters a supportive environment for their development.
This structured yet flexible approach empowers parents to create a calmer environment, making emotional regulation more manageable for both themselves and their children.
Teaching Kids Self Control and Emotional Regulation Skills
According to the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL), social and emotional learning is essential for overall development and success in school and life. It's the ability to recognize and manage one’s emotions, effectively solve problems, and build positive relationships with others. It focuses on a blend of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. (Zins et al., 2006)
Self regulation strategies for kids are essential for their overall well-being and development. Here are some effective strategies to consider:
How to Teach Self-Control Starting with Feelings and Emotions
Teaching feelings and emotions is crucial for helping children learn to manage their reactions. How to help a child regulate their emotions begins with labeling their feelings, especially when they’re young. It can be as simple as saying, “I see you're upset because your toy broke,” connecting their emotions to real-life situations. You can use self-control examples like staying calm during an argument or resisting the urge to interrupt someone speaking to help your child understand how to manage their impulses.
It’s also important to remind them that they’re not alone—all the other kids experience big emotions too. With time and practice, kids learn how to express and regulate their emotions in healthy, constructive ways.
How to Teach Toddlers Feelings and Emotions
- Label feelings with simple words (happy, sad, angry).
- Read emotion-focused books and discuss characters' feelings.
- Encourage expression through words, drawings, or play.
- Identify emotions in everyday situations (e.g., “You look excited!”).
- Teach recognition of body language and facial expressions.
- Share your own feelings to model emotional expression.
- Use a feelings chart or flashcards for visuals.
- Practice techniques like deep breathing or counting to ten.
- Have open conversations and validate their emotions.
- Praise them for expressing feelings or managing emotions.
1. Normalize Emotions
Explain that everyone experiences a range of emotions. By acknowledging that it's normal to feel upset or frustrated, children can feel validated in their emotions rather than isolated or ashamed.
Here are some parent scripts you can use:
“I can see you’re feeling really upset right now. That’s okay! Can you tell me what happened that made you feel this way?”
“I see that your feelings are like a volcano ready to erupt! Let’s do some lava breathing together—breathe in deep, hold it… and let it out like a gentle lava flow.”
“It seems like you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s take a moment to breathe together. Inhale deeply, and let’s exhale that frustration. How about we think of one small step we can take to feel better?”
These scripts help in emotional processing by providing children and teens with a clear and structured way to understand, express, and manage their reactions by:
- Encouraging emotional expression
- Validating their feelings
- Promoting self-regulation
- Fostering problem-solving
- Providing reassurance and support
2. Model Regulating Behaviors
Show your child how to regulate their emotions by modeling appropriate responses to stress or frustration. Share your own experiences with emotional dysregulation, illustrating how you cope when you're feeling emotionally reactive.
When it comes to teaching self-regulation, it’s the way you act that has the biggest impact on your child. While we’re capable of understanding emotions, kids learn how to manage their own feelings by watching how you handle yours. By modeling self-control for kids, you show them how to stay calm and focused, even in stressful situations. This process, known as down-regulating, helps children learn to slow down and manage their impulses. Over time, they learn self regulation skills that will benefit them both emotionally and socially.
3. Teach Self-Soothing Techniques
Introduce self-soothing techniques that encourage children to take control of their negative emotions. Techniques such as deep breathing, counting to ten, or using calming visuals can be effective in controlling emotions during difficult moments.
Here are some emotional regulation activities for kids you can start with:
- Deep breathing exercises
- Mindfulness meditation
- Emotion charades
- Sensory play (e.g., playdough, sand)
- Journaling feelings
- Art and drawing activities
- Yoga for kids
- Storytime with emotional themes
- Emotion identification games
- Nature walks and outdoor activities
4. Create a Safe Space
Establish a calming environment where your child can go to regroup when feeling overwhelmed. This space can include soft pillows, calming music, or a cozy blanket, enabling them to focus on regulating their emotions.
Emotional Dysregulation Treatment
Emotional dysregulation can be a significant challenge for children, impacting their ability to manage feelings and interact socially. Addressing this issue requires a comprehensive approach that combines various strategies and techniques.
Here are some effective treatments for emotional dysregulation:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
CBT is a type of therapy that helps children understand the connection between their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It teaches them how to identify negative or unhelpful thoughts and replace them with more positive, realistic ones. By changing their thinking patterns, kids can better manage their emotions and develop healthier responses to stress, anxiety, and challenging situations. CBT is widely used to treat emotional dysregulation and other mental health issues in children.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy
DBT is a therapeutic approach that focuses on helping children and teens manage intense emotions and improve interpersonal relationships. It combines cognitive-behavioral techniques with mindfulness practices to teach skills like emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and effective communication. DBT is especially useful for children who experience emotional dysregulation, helping them balance their emotions and reactions in challenging situations.
Mindfulness Practices
Introducing mindfulness exercises, such as meditation or breathing techniques, can help children become more aware of their feelings and learn to calm themselves during emotional storms. Teaching children to focus on the present moment by paying attention to their thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgment.
Through activities like deep breathing, guided meditation, or sensory awareness, mindfulness helps kids become more aware of their emotions and learn to manage stress or anxiety. It’s an effective tool for improving emotional regulation and reducing impulsivity.
Play Therapy
Play Therapy is a therapeutic approach that helps children express their feelings and experiences through play. Since young kids often struggle to communicate complex emotions verbally, play becomes a natural way for them to express themselves.
In play therapy, children use toys, games, or creative activities to act out their thoughts and feelings, helping therapists understand their emotional challenges. It’s a useful method for addressing issues like anxiety, trauma, and emotional dysregulation in a non-threatening way.
Parent Training Programs
Educating parents on how to support their child’s emotional regulation can create a more supportive environment. This includes understanding triggers and modeling appropriate emotional responses. I invite you to learn more about Dysregulation Solution, a program I created to help parents teach their kids self-regulation skills.
It’s designed to support children in managing emotions effectively, setting them up for long-term success and emotional resilience. You can find my 30 years of experience infused into these science-backed and proven strategies—the same techniques I use in my Ridgefield, CT clinic. Plus, you’ll have the opportunity to join me live and get my personal guidance along the way! Click here to learn more.
Citations:
National Research Council (US) and Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Integrating the Science of Early Childhood Development. From Neurons to Neighborhoods: The Science of Early Childhood Development. Shonkoff JP, Phillips DA, editors. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2000. PMID: 25077268.
Zins, J.E. & Elias, Maurice. (2006). Social and emotional learning. Children's needs III: Development, prevention, and intervention. 1-13.
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Neurodivergence who is frequently in the media:
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- Exhausted to Extraordinary Parent (Video) How to Build a Resiliency Mindset In Your Child – In Just 7 Minutes
- HomeschoolOT Therapy Services Understanding Nervous System Dysregulation in Children: A Guide for Homeschool Parents
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
Are you looking for SOLUTIONS for your struggling child or teen?
Dr. Roseann and her team are all about science-backed solutions, so you are in the right place!
Grab our complimentary gift for parents like you
Dr. Roseann is a Children’s Mental Health Expert and Licensed Therapist who has been featured in/on hundreds of media outlets including The Mel Robbins Show, CBS, NBC, PIX11 NYC, Today, FORBES, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Business Insider, Women’s Day, Healthline, CNET, Parade Magazine and PARENTS. FORBES called her, “A thought leader in children’s mental health.”
She coined the terms, “Re-entry panic syndrome” and “eco-anxiety” and is a frequent contributor to media on mental health.
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge has three decades of experience in working with children, teens and their families with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, concussion, dyslexia and learning disability, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), depression and mood disorder, Lyme Disease, and PANS/PANDAS using science-backed natural mental health solutions such as supplements, magnesium, nutrition, QEEG Brain maps, neurofeedback, PEMF, psychotherapy and other non-medication approaches.
She is the author of three bestselling books, It’s Gonna Be OK!: Proven Ways to Improve Your Child's Mental Health, The Teletherapy Toolkit, and Brain Under Attack. Dr. Roseann is known for offering a message of hope through science-endorsed methods that promote a calm brain.
Her trademarked BrainBehaviorResetⓇ Program and It’s Gonna be OK!Ⓡ Podcast has been a cornerstone for thousands of parents facing mental health, behavioral or neurodevelopmental challenges.
She is the founder and director of The Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health, Neurotastic™Brain Formulas and Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC. Dr. Roseann is a Board Certified Neurofeedback (BCN) Practitioner, a Board Member of the Northeast Region Biofeedback Society (NRBS), Certified Integrative Mental Health Professional (CIMHP) and an Amen Clinic Certified Brain Health Coach. She is also a member of The International Lyme Disease and Associated Disease Society (ILADS), The American Psychological Association (APA), Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) National Association of School Psychologists (NASP), International OCD Foundation (IOCDF).
© Roseann-Capanna-Hodge, LLC 2024
