Every parent has experienced that moment—their child melting down over the wrong color cup, grabbing a toy from a sibling, or slamming their bedroom door in frustration. These situations can feel exhausting, even overwhelming. It’s easy to wonder, Why can’t they just listen? or Will they ever grow out of this?
If self control in children were only that easy!
The truth is, self control isn’t something kids are born with—it’s a skill that develops over time, just like learning to walk or read. And while it might feel like these outbursts are just frustrating phases, they’re actually opportunities. Each time a child is guided through big emotions, they’re building the brain pathways that will help them manage frustration, think before acting, and navigate challenges later in life.
But teaching self-control isn’t about strict rules or expecting kids to “just behave.” It’s about giving them the right tools, modeling calm responses, and practicing self-regulation in ways that make sense for their growing brain. When parents shift their approach from discipline to skill-building, the path to self-control becomes a lot clearer—and a lot less stressful.
What Is Self Control?
Self-control is a skill that allows kids to pause, think, and make thoughtful choices rather than acting on impulse. It’s what helps a child stop themselves from blurting out in class, wait patiently for their turn on the swing, or manage frustration without a meltdown.
Self-control isn’t just about “being good” or following rules—it’s about developing the ability to manage emotions, impulses, and delayed gratification. These skills don’t magically appear; they’re built over time through practice, co-regulation, and brain development.
Here’s what self-control looks like in action:
- Emotional regulation – Can your child handle frustration, excitement, or disappointment without an instant outburst?
- Impulse control – Can they resist the urge to grab a toy, interrupt a conversation, or yell when upset?
- Delayed gratification – Can they wait for something they want, like saving up their allowance for a bigger reward instead of spending it right away?
Research shows that children with strong self-control tend to do better in school, form healthier relationships, and make better long-term decisions.
The famous “marshmallow test” by psychologist Walter Mischel found that preschoolers who could wait for a second marshmallow instead of eating the first one right away were more likely to be academically successful, emotionally stable, and socially competent later in life.
But here’s the important part—self-control isn’t something kids either have or don’t. It’s a skill that can be strengthened with the right support, and parents play a crucial role in helping children build these essential brain connections.
Self-Control Development by Age
Self-control develops gradually as the brain matures. Knowing what to expect at each stage helps parents guide their child with realistic expectations and effective support.
Toddlers (2-3): Impulsive and Learning Basics
- Acts on instinct—grabs, cries, struggles with waiting.
- Meltdowns are common when frustrated.
- Needs gentle redirection, simple rules, and praise for small wins.
Preschoolers (3-5): Beginning to Pause
- Can follow simple rules but still impulsive.
- Starts using words instead of only reacting.
- Needs visual schedules, self-regulation games, and emotional coaching.
School-Age (6-12): Building Emotional Control
- Better at waiting, problem-solving, and handling frustration.
- Can delay gratification and understand consequences.
- Needs self-reflection prompts, coping strategies, and encouragement.
Teens (13+): Gaining Independence
- More thoughtful decision-making but still impulsive under stress.
- Can set goals and reflect on past choices.
- Needs guidance through open-ended questions and consistent expectations.
Helping Your Child Develop Self-Control
Self-control isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. The right support, structure, and modeling help kids strengthen self-regulation at every stage.
How Brain Development Shapes Self-Control in Children
Self-control isn’t just about willpower—it’s about brain development. The ability to pause, think, and make good choices depends on the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s “command center” for decision-making, impulse control, and problem-solving.
Between ages 3 and 4, the prefrontal cortex undergoes rapid growth, helping young children begin to follow basic rules like, “Use gentle hands” or “Wait your turn.” But because this part of the brain is still developing, young kids often struggle with impulsivity. That’s why a preschooler might grab a toy without thinking or melt down over a small frustration—they aren’t being defiant, their brain just isn’t wired yet to pause and reflect.
As children grow, the connections between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala—the brain’s emotional center—become stronger. This helps older kids and teens start balancing emotions with logic.
By adolescence, the brain has built more of these connections, allowing for better emotional regulation, but the prefrontal cortex won’t fully mature until the mid-20s. That’s why even older kids still need guidance and practice to develop self-control.
Understanding that self-control is a developmental process—not just a matter of behavior—helps parents shift from frustration to support. With the right strategies, children can strengthen these brain pathways, making it easier for them to manage big emotions, resist impulses, and make thoughtful choices.
How to Strengthen Self-Control in Children
Building self-control is like strengthening a muscle—it takes practice, patience, and the right tools. The good news is that kids don’t have to learn this on their own. With the right strategies, parents can help them develop self-regulation in ways that feel natural and engaging.
4 Ways to Help Kids Develop Self-Control
1. Make Self-Control Fun with Games
Children learn best through play, and games that require them to stop, think, and adjust their actions help strengthen impulse control.
Self-Control Exercises for Kids
- Jenga – Removing blocks without toppling the tower teaches patience and strategic thinking. Kids practice slowing down and considering their next move.
- Red Light, Green Light – Starting and stopping on command sharpens listening skills and body control. Adding a “Yellow Light” (slow motion) variation increases the challenge.
- Freeze Dance – Dancing until the music stops helps kids transition from high energy to stillness, a great way to practice emotional regulation.
These games build brain connections that help kids pause before reacting in real-life situations.
2. Create Predictable Routines
Kids thrive on routine because knowing what comes next reduces stress and helps them manage transitions more smoothly. Predictable daily rhythms free up mental energy for self-regulation and make it easier for children to follow through with expectations.
Research shows that consistent routines and schedules can:
- Improve focus and school performance
- Help children manage emotions and behavior more effectively
- Support healthier eating and sleep habits
- Reduce stress and lower the risk of anxiety and impulsive behaviors
Helpful Routines That Support Self-Control:
- Bedtime rituals – A consistent wind-down routine helps prevent nighttime struggles.
- Family meals – Eating together encourages patience, social interaction, and emotional connection.
- Homework habits – A set time and quiet space for schoolwork boost focus and self-discipline.
- Morning structure – A predictable start to the day reduces stress and helps children transition smoothly.
While routines provide stability, they shouldn’t be rigid. Some children, especially those with ADHD or high sensitivity, may need more flexibility. The goal is to create rhythms that support self-regulation rather than cause additional stress.
3. Model Calm Responses
Children absorb how we respond to stress. When they see a parent staying calm during a challenging moment, they learn how to regulate their own emotions.
Instead of reacting with frustration, try saying:
- “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath before I respond.”
- “Let’s take a break and figure this out together.”
When parents model self-regulation, children naturally begin to mirror those skills in their own behavior.
4. Teach Kids to Connect Actions to Consequences
Helping children understand how their choices affect themselves and others strengthens the decision-making part of the brain.
Using simple “If-Then” statements makes this process easier:
- “If I grab the toy, my friend might feel upset.”
- “If I ask nicely, we can take turns.”
After a conflict, guide your child through reflection:
- “How did that choice make you feel?”
- “What could we try next time?”
This kind of cause-and-effect thinking helps kids become more aware of their actions and gives them the tools to make better decisions in the future.
What’s Essential for Developing Self-Control?
Understanding how self-control develops is only part of the equation. The real progress happens when children have the right environment, structure, and support to practice these skills in daily life. Self-control isn’t something kids just “get” one day—it’s built through experiences that help their brain strengthen its ability to manage impulses and emotions.
While games, routines, and modeling lay the foundation, three core pillars—safety, clarity, and encouragement—help kids feel secure enough to practice self-regulation, even in challenging moments.
1. Safe Environments
When emotions run high, kids need a predictable, calming space to reset. Creating a safe environment—whether it’s a cozy corner with stuffed animals, coloring sheets, or sensory tools—gives children a place to process feelings before reacting impulsively.
For example, if a child starts getting overwhelmed during a sibling argument, instead of lashing out, they can go to their calming spot and use a stress ball or weighted blanket to settle their nervous system. This reduces cortisol (the stress hormone), making it easier for them to return and problem-solve rather than escalate the conflict.
The goal isn’t punishment or isolation—it’s teaching kids that taking a break helps their brain reset, so they can respond more calmly.
2. Clear Expectations
Kids do best when they know what to expect. Clear, consistent language and routines help children understand what is coming next and what is expected of them, which reduces anxiety and improves self-control.
- Instead of vague rules like “Be good,” try specific, action-based instructions that reinforce self-regulation:
- “First homework, then screen time.”
- “We use gentle hands with the dog.”
- “When we’re frustrated, we take a deep breath before we speak.”
When expectations are predictable and consistent, kids don’t have to guess or rely on impulse. They begin to internalize these structures, making self-control easier over time.
3. Encouragement That Reinforces Self-Regulation
Children learn what to repeat based on what gets attention and reinforcement. Praise isn’t about empty compliments—it’s about recognizing the effort behind self-control, not just the outcome.
- For example, if a child waits patiently while their sibling finishes talking, instead of saying, “Good job,” reinforce the skill:
- “I saw how you waited your turn to speak—that was great self-control!”
- If they try a new food, rather than focusing on whether they liked it, highlight the effort:
“That was brave of you to try something new!”
Why does this work? Because positive reinforcement triggers dopamine release, wiring the brain to want to repeat the behavior. Instead of fearing consequences, kids begin to associate self-control with confidence and success.
What Does a Child with Strong Self-Control and Self-Regulation Look Like?
A child with strong self-regulation doesn’t just “behave well”—they have the skills to manage emotions, focus, and handle challenges without becoming overwhelmed.
Pays Attention and Stays Focused
These kids can filter out distractions, stay on task, and actively listen without immediately reacting to boredom or frustration. Whether following a conversation or working on a project, they’ve learned to pause, reflect, and respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.
Performs Better Academically
When kids can regulate their emotions, they can regulate their learning. They don’t shut down when frustrated, can bounce back from mistakes, and manage time more effectively. Self-regulation allows the brain to focus on problem-solving instead of getting stuck in stress.
Builds Stronger Friendships
Socially, self-regulated kids handle emotions better in group settings, making it easier for them to communicate, take turns, and manage conflicts calmly. They recognize emotions in themselves and others, which helps them resolve disagreements without meltdowns or aggression.
Handles Stress Without Meltdowns
Rather than getting thrown off by frustration, stress, or disappointment, these kids know how to calm themselves before emotions spiral. They’ve developed strategies to cope with big feelings so they can adapt, problem-solve, and move forward rather than becoming stuck in an emotional reaction.
Self-control isn’t about perfection—it’s about building the tools to manage emotions, stay focused, and navigate life’s ups and downs with resilience. And with practice, every child can develop these
Helping Your Child Build Self-Control, One Step at a Time
Self-control isn’t something kids master overnight—it develops through small, repeated experiences that strengthen the brain’s ability to manage emotions and impulses. Every time a child pauses before reacting, waits their turn, or takes a deep breath instead of melting down, they’re building the skills they need to handle challenges with confidence.
This growth happens when parents create opportunities for practice through playful learning, consistent routines, and calm modeling. It’s not about perfection—it’s about progress. Encouraging even the smallest successes helps reinforce self-regulation in a way that feels achievable and natural.
So celebrate the small wins. Every deep breath, every moment of patience, every thoughtful choice is a step in the right direction.
If you need extra support, QuickCalm is packed with science-backed strategies to help turn daily challenges into opportunities for growth.
Parenting is a journey, and no one has to do it alone. With the right tools, patience, and encouragement, we can help our kids develop the self-control they need to thrive.
Here's to raising resilient, thoughtful little humans!
Citations
Johnson, S. B., Voegtline, K. M., Ialongo, N., Hill, K. G., & Musci, R. J. (2023). Self-control in first grade predicts success in the transition to adulthood. Development and psychopathology, 35(3), 1358–1370. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579421001255
Park, Y. R., Nix, R. L., Gill, S., & Hostetler, M. L. (2022). What kind of parenting is associated with early self-control among toddlers living in poverty? The importance of learning support. Developmental psychology, 58(3), 425–437. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001312
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Self-Regulation who frequently is in the media:
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- The Warrior Parent Podcast It's Gonna Be OK! Changing Behaviors and Responses (And The Magic of Magnesium)In Your Family with Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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Dr. Roseann is a Children’s Mental Health Expert and Licensed Therapist who has been featured in/on hundreds of media outlets including The Mel Robbins Show, CBS, NBC, PIX11 NYC, Today, FORBES, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Business Insider, Women’s Day, Healthline, CNET, Parade Magazine and PARENTS. FORBES called her, “A thought leader in children’s mental health.”
She coined the terms, “Re-entry panic syndrome” and “eco-anxiety” and is a frequent contributor to media on mental health.
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge has three decades of experience in working with children, teens and their families with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, concussion, dyslexia and learning disability, anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), depression and mood disorder, Lyme Disease, and PANS/PANDAS using science-backed natural mental health solutions such as supplements, magnesium, nutrition, QEEG Brain maps, neurofeedback, PEMF, psychotherapy and other non-medication approaches.
She is the author of three bestselling books, It’s Gonna Be OK!: Proven Ways to Improve Your Child's Mental Health, The Teletherapy Toolkit, and Brain Under Attack. Dr. Roseann is known for offering a message of hope through science-endorsed methods that promote a calm brain.
Her trademarked BrainBehaviorResetⓇ Program and It’s Gonna be OK!Ⓡ Podcast has been a cornerstone for thousands of parents facing mental health, behavioral or neurodevelopmental challenges.
She is the founder and director of The Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health, Neurotastic™Brain Formulas and Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC. Dr. Roseann is a Board Certified Neurofeedback (BCN) Practitioner, a Board Member of the Northeast Region Biofeedback Society (NRBS), Certified Integrative Mental Health Professional (CIMHP) and an Amen Clinic Certified Brain Health Coach. She is also a member of The International Lyme Disease and Associated Disease Society (ILADS), The American Psychological Association (APA), Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) National Association of School Psychologists (NASP), International OCD Foundation (IOCDF).
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