If your child’s emotions feel out of control, you’re not alone. Learn why emotional dysregulation and anxiety go hand-in-hand, the #1 mistake parents make, and simple steps to calm the chaos.
What is Emotional Dysregulation and Anxiety in Children?
Emotional dysregulationhappens when a child’s brain and body struggle to manage big feelings, leading to reactions that seem out of proportion to what’s happening. Anxiety in children often shows up as excessive worry, fear, or nervousness over things that may seem small to others but feel overwhelming to them.
Together, emotional dysregulationand anxiety can create a tough cycle that affects your child’s mood, behavior, and daily routines. Remember, it’s not bad behavior—it’s a dysregulated brain.
Common Signs of Emotional Dysregulation and Anxiety in Children
- Frequent emotional outbursts or meltdownsthat may seem to come out of nowhere
- Difficulty calming down even with reassurance or comfort
- Avoidance of certain people, places, or activities that trigger fear or worry
- Physical complaints like stomachaches, headaches, or fatigue when anxious
- Increased irritability or frustration over small changes or transitions
- Excessive need for reassurance or repeatedly asking the same questions
These signs are a child’s way of communicating, “I don’t feel safe or in control.” As I always remind parents: It’s not bad behavior—it’s a dysregulated brain.
Gender Differences in Emotional Dysregulation and Anxiety in Children and Adolescents
Gender differences in emotional dysregulationand anxiety are well-documented in psychological research. A study by McLaughlin et al. (2012) found that girls report higher levels of both anxiety and emotion dysregulation compared to boys. This disparity may be influenced by socialization patterns, hormonal differences, and coping mechanisms.
Behavioral Differences in Emotional Dysregulation and Anxiety by Gender
| Behavior | Common in Girls | Common in Boys |
|---|---|---|
| Internalizing behaviors (worry, withdrawal, sadness) | check | |
| Externalizing behaviors (anger, defiance, acting out) | check | |
| Excessive reassurance-seeking | check | |
| Physical complaints (stomachaches, headaches) | check | check |
| Avoidance of feared situations | check | check |
| Difficulty recognizing or verbalizing emotions | check | |
| Rumination (repetitive negative thinking) | check |
How Does Parental Dysregulation Impact a Child’s Anxiety?
Children are little emotional sponges—they absorb and reflect the energy around them, especially from their parents. When a parent becomes dysregulated, whether through frustration, yelling, or showing visible anxiety, it sends a message to the child’s brain that they too should stay on high alert. This escalates their anxiety and emotional dysregulation. As I always say, “Let’s calm the brain first.” That means regulating yourself before expecting your child to be calm.
Sarah, mom to 9-year-old Liam, realized that every time she raised her voice, it only fueled Liam’s emotional fire. The more dysregulated she became, the more dysregulated he became—a classic example of what I call the co-escalationtrap. Once Sarah committed to staying more regulated, even when it was hard, she saw a dramatic shift. Liam’s episodes became shorter, less intense, and they both felt more in control. It wasn’t perfect (and it never is!), but Sarah’s calm became Liam’s anchor.
Is Accommodating My Child’s Anxiety Helpful or Harmful?
Accommodating anxiety feels helpful in the moment—you just want to stop the tears, the meltdown, or the panic. I get it! But while it provides short-term relief, it actually reinforces the belief that your child can’t handle hard feelings or situations. Over time, this keeps their anxiety and emotional dysregulationgoing.
As I always remind parents, “Supporting your child doesn’t mean protecting them from every challenge; it means helping them build the skills to face those challenges with confidence.”
What Are Signs That I’m Over-Accommodating?
When you have a sensitive or reactive child, it is pretty common for parents to want to relieve your child’s discomfort but you now realize that it only serves to feed the worry monster.
Common Parent Behaviors That Over-Accommodate Anxiety
| Behavior | Why It Feels Helpful | Why It Backfires |
|---|---|---|
| Allowing frequent absences from school or events | Reduces child’s distress and prevents meltdown | Reinforces avoidance and increases anxiety over time |
| Constantly changing routines to avoid distress | Prevents child from becoming upset in the moment | Teaches child they can’t tolerate discomfort or changes |
| Shielding child from any challenging experience | Avoids conflict or emotional overwhelm | Prevents child from learning coping skills and resilience |
| Repeatedly stepping in to resolve minor conflicts | Stops immediate frustration or upset | Reduces child’s ability to problem-solve independently |
| Avoiding outings, vacations, or new experiences | Keeps child calm and prevents meltdowns | Limits opportunities for growth and reinforces fears |
| Letting child completely dictate family plans | Keeps the peace in the short term | Increases child’s control over family dynamics and anxiety |
| Frequently answering the same anxious questions | Reassures the child and calms worries temporarily | Strengthens reassurance-seeking cycle and dependence |
Mark’s daughter Emily, a bright and funny 10-year-old, began refusing invitations to birthday parties, school functions, and even playdates. At first, Mark thought protecting her from these situations would help ease her worry. But as the weeks turned into months, Emily’s anxiety only deepened, and she became more isolated and withdrawn. Once Mark learned to slowly introduce safe, low-pressure social opportunities with lots of support and encouragement, Emily began to re-engage and build her confidence. As I often tell parents, ‘We want to stretch—not stress—our kids into growth.’
Key Takeaway: “Behavior is communication.”
How Can I Support My Anxious Child Without Over Accommodating?
Supporting your child doesn’t mean eliminating every challenge. It means walking beside them as they build the confidence and skills to face anxiety head-on, knowing you’ve got their back. Here are simple ways to help without falling into the over-accommodation trap:
- Gradual exposure to anxiety triggers
- Validate feelings without fixing
- Guide them to problem-solve small steps
How Are Emotional Dysregulation and Anxiety Disorders Connected?
Emotional dysregulationand anxiety disorders are strongly linked. According to a 2021 review in Frontiers in Psychology, “Emotion dysregulation is not only a co-occurring problem but may also be a key factor contributing to the maintenance and severity of anxiety disorders in youth.”
Julia’s son Noah, a bright and curious 11-year-old, struggled with panic over tests that would spiral into intense emotional outbursts. Julia felt helpless watching him crumble under the pressure. After learning co-regulation techniques, such as calming her own energy first and practicing slow breathing and body grounding with Noah, she saw a huge shift. Over time, Noah began to recognize the early signs of his anxiety and used these new tools to settle himself before the panic fully took over. As I always say to parents, “The journey to calm starts with us. When we model how to stay regulated, our kids learn they can too.”
Is Emotional Dysregulation a Sign of Anxiety?
Yes. Emotional dysregulation can signal underlying anxiety. The same 2021 study noted: “Emotion dysregulation is commonly observed in pediatric anxiety disorders and may be a core feature.”
Signs:
- Meltdowns over minor frustrations
- Mood swings
- Excessive worry
- Difficulty calming down
Example: David’s daughter Zoe had panic attacks about school that became emotional breakdowns. Calming strategies helped ease both.
Key Takeaway: “Behavior is communication.”
What Strategies Help Both Parent and Child Regulate Emotions?
Helping both yourself and your child learn to regulate emotions is one of the most powerful ways to break the dysregulation-anxiety cycle. Co-regulationmeans your calm presence helps your child feel safe enough to calm their own body and mind. When we teach our kids that big feelings are safe and manageable, they build lifelongemotional resilience.Let’s explore some simple yet impactful ways to foster calm together.
Simple Strategies to Help Parents and Kids Regulate Emotions Together
| Strategy What It Teaches Your Child | |
|---|---|
| Deep breathing exercises (like box breathing) | How to calm their brain and body in the moment |
| Consistent daily routines | Predictability that reduces anxiety and builds security |
| Modeling calm behavior | How to handle emotions with patience and resilience |
| Movement breaks (stretching, walking) | Physical release of built-up stress or tension |
| Sensory calming tools (weighted blankets, stress balls) | Practical ways to self-soothe and regulate emotions |
Want more tools to help your child regulate their emotions? Get the Quick Calm Toolkit for better behavior in 7 days.
When Should I Seek Professional Help for Anxiety-Related Dysregulation?
As a parent, it’s not always easy to know when you’ve reached the point where outside help is needed. But recognizing the signs early can make all the difference. Seeking support isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a step toward empowerment for both you and your child. Look for professional help if:
When to Seek Professional Help: Red Flags Checklist
| Red Flag Behavior | What It Could Mean |
|---|---|
| Avoidance of school, social events, or activities | Possible anxiety or emotional dysregulation |
| Frequent unexplained physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches) | Anxiety manifesting as physical symptoms |
| Intense or frequent meltdowns | Emotional dysregulation may need professional support |
| Expressions of hopelessness or talk of self-harm | Immediate professional intervention needed |
| Excessive need for reassurance or constant checking behaviors | Heightened anxiety that could benefit from therapeutic guidance |
Dr. Matthew Rouse, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, notes, “Teaching self-regulation skills can significantly improve a child’s ability to manage emotions” (Child Mind Institute, 2021).
Your Next Step in Managing Anxiety Fueled Emotional and Behavioral Dysregulation
You’re not alone. Parenting a child with emotional dysregulation and anxiety can feel like riding a roller coaster without a seatbelt—but there is a way to regain balance. It starts with you.
By addressing your own regulation first, you become the steady anchor your child so desperately needs. Remember, the calmer you are, the easier it is for your child to borrow your calm until they can create their own.
Ready to take the next step? Download the Quick Calm Toolkit and start your journey to a calmer, more connected family at drroseann.com/quickcalm/.
It’s never too early—or too late—to help your child learn how to regulate their emotions. Whether you’re just starting to notice signs or you’ve been struggling for years, your commitment to understanding and supporting your child can transform your family dynamic for the better.
Every step you take matters, and I’m here to guide you through it.
FAQs
Is anxiety and emotional dysregulation in children different than in adults?
Yes. Children often show anxiety and emotional dysregulation through behavior—like meltdowns, avoidance, or irritability—while adults may experience more internal distress or worry. Kids rely on parents to help them co-regulate and learn coping skills.
What are the 5 signs of anxiety?
Anxiety in children can show up in ways that aren’t always obvious. The five most common signs I see as a clinician include: excessive worry, restlessness or trouble sleeping, avoidance of people or situations, physical complaints like stomachaches, and emotional outbursts or meltdowns. Remember, behavior is communication and often a child’s way of saying, “I need help calming my brain.”
What is the difference between emotional dysregulation and a tantrum?
Tantrums are common in toddlers. Emotional dysregulation involves extreme emotional reactions at inappropriate ages.
Can children outgrow anxiety and emotional dysregulation?
Some children improve over time. Many need structured support and interventions.
How can I model healthy emotional regulation?
Demonstrate positive coping strategies: deep breathing, calming self-talk, taking breaks.
Citations:
Bender, P. K., Reinholdt-Dunne, M. L., Esbjørn, B. H., & Pons, F. (2012). Emotion dysregulation and anxiety in children and adolescents: Gender differences. Personality and Individual Differences, 53(3), 284–288. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2012.03.027
Paulus, F. W., Ohmann, S., Möhler, E., Plener, P., & Popow, C. (2021). Emotional Dysregulation in Children and Adolescents With Psychiatric Disorders. A Narrative Review. Frontiers in psychiatry, 12, 628252. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.628252
Zeman, J., Cassano, M., Perry-Parrish, C., & Stegall, S. (2006). Emotion regulation in children and adolescents. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 27(2), 155–168. https://doi.org/10.1097/00004703-200604000-00014
Dr. Roseannis a mental health expert in Self-Regulation who frequently is in the media:
- HealthlineUnderstanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary MommyWhat Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- The Warrior Parent PodcastIt’s Gonna Be OK! Changing Behaviors and Responses (And The Magic of Magnesium)In Your Family with Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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