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If your child explodes over little things or can’t seem to stop themselves from blurting out or acting impulsively, you’re likely wondering, “Why can’t they just control themselves?”
In this blog, we’ll walk through how to start teaching kids self control using my science-backed strategies– with plenty of real-life examples for parents like you who are struggling to keep their kids calm.
What is self-control, and why do kids struggle with it?
Self-control means managing emotions, thoughts, and actions, even in the situations when it’s hard.
It helps kids:
- Pause
- Think
- Make good choices
But self-control isn’t about willpower.
It’s about brain development.
Particularly, parts of the prefrontal cortex responsible for self-regulation takes years to fully develop. That’s why kids (and even teens), compared to adults, struggle more at managing big emotions and impulses.
This struggle is even harder for kids with ADHD, anxiety, OCD, autism, or PANS/PANDAS who often have delayed self-regulation skills.
It’s not that they won’t, it’s that they can’t yet.
At what age do children develop self-control?
Most kids begin developing impulse control between ages 3 and 5, but it’s a slow, ongoing process. Even by age 10, they’re still learning.
Some kids, especially those with neurodivergence or trauma, may lag behind their peers.
Expectations by age:
- Preschoolers: Can wait a few minutes, but still impulsive
- Elementary kids: Developing more coping skills, but need reminders
- Teens: Better at reflection, but still struggle under stress
How does dysregulation affect self-control?
When a child’s nervous system is in fight, flight, or freeze mode, they are not able to think and react properly and lack in self-control
That’s why trying to teach a lesson in the middle of a meltdown never works for parents.
Signs of nervous system dysregulation:
- Overreacting to small events
- Struggling to settle down or sleep
- Extreme sensitivity to noise or touch
- Frequent anger or withdrawal
What are signs my child struggles with self-control?
Kids who struggle with self-regulation often:
- Interrupt constantly or talk over others
- Can’t stop themselves from doing something even if they know it’s wrong
- Meltdown when things don’t go their way
- Struggle to wait, share, or take turns
How do I teach self-control to a child with ADHD or anxiety?
Start by calming the brain first.
When your child is dysregulated, they can’t think clearly or make good choices. That’s why I use the CALMS™ Method, my step-by-step process for helping parents support their child’s regulation and build real self-control skills.
The CALMS™ Dysregulation Parenting Method:
- C – Co-regulate first: Calm yourself before helping your child regulate. Use gentle tone, breathwork, or grounding.
- A – Avoid personalizing: Your child’s behavior isn’t about you—it’s a clue about what’s going on in their brain.
- L – Look for root causes: Dysregulation is often triggered by fatigue, hunger, transitions, or sensory overload.
- M – Model coping strategies: Narrate how you calm yourself in difficult moments. “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to stretch and take a breath.”
- S – Support and reinforce: Praise regulation, not perfection. Celebrate effort and progress.
Kids with ADHD or anxiety often live in a heightened state of alert. Until their nervous system feels safe, they won’t be able to access the self-control part of their brain.
What are some effective strategies to improve self-control at home?
Self-regulation takes practice. Here’s how to build those skills every day:
Daily Strategies:
- Create consistent routines to reduce decision fatigue
- Use visual timers and schedules to help with transitions
- Model your own coping skills out loud (“I’m frustrated, so I’m taking a deep breath.”)
- Teach simple reset tools like deep breathing, movement, or the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique
Normalize Emotions: It’s Okay to Feel This Way
Big emotions can feel overwhelming for kids, and they often don’t know if what they’re experiencing is normal. That’s why validating their emotions is a critical part of teaching self-control.
| Instead of saying | Try this approach instead |
|---|---|
| “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.” | “I can see you’re really upset right now. That’s okay! Can you tell me what happened?” |
| “You’re fine, just calm down.” | “Your feelings are like a volcano ready to erupt! Let’s do some lava breathing together—breathe in deep, hold it… and let it out like a gentle lava flow.” |
| “Big kids don’t get upset about that.” | “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s take a moment to breathe together. Then we can figure out what to do next.” |
By acknowledging that all emotions are valid, you help your child feel seen and understood. That alone lowers stress and helps kids regulate more quickly.
How can schools help kids learn self-regulation techniques?
The typical school environment usually has high expectations and less support. This may impact your child’s learning and self-regulation.
Educators can:
- Provide movement breaks and quiet corners
- Use visual supports and consistent routines
- Teach emotional vocabulary and self-awareness
Parents should partner with teachers to:
- Share what works at home
- Request school accommodations when needed (504 or IEP)
- Emphasize regulation over punishment
What should I do when my child loses control?
At the moment, your job is not to discipline, it’s to help them re-regulate.
Stay calm and do this instead:
Parent tip: Don’t try to teach during the storm. Wait for the calm to connect.
Parent Action Steps
FAQs
How do I help my child stop impulsive behavior?
Start with calming activities like deep breathing or movement. Teach your child to pause by using visual cues like a stoplight chart or simple scripts: “Pause, Breathe, Choose.”
What if my child refuses to use coping skills?
That’s normal at first. Keep modeling and offering co-regulation. The goal is safety and connection, skills will come when the nervous system feels safe.
Can a child outgrow poor self-control?
Self-regulation improves with age and practice. Kids with clinical issues may need more support, but with the right tools, real change is possible.
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge is a licensed mental health expert that is frequently cited in the media:
- CBS2 New York (Article) Experts Offer Tips On How To Help Children Deal With Anxiety.
- Parade Want to Know How to Overcome Social Anxiety? We’ve got Help!.
Are you looking for SOLUTIONS for your struggling child or teen?
Dr. Roseann and her team are all about science-backed solutions, so you are in the right place!
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©Roseann Capanna-Hodge
