Coregulation involves parents and caregivers helping children manage their emotions through supportive, interactive relationships. This process is vital for developing emotional intelligence and self-regulation in kids. As parents, it is important to understand how simple yet powerful coregulation is, why it matters, and how you can practice it effectively to support your child’s emotional growth.
Understanding Coregulation
Supporting your child in managing their emotions starts with you—their safe anchor. Co-regulation is all about caregivers stepping in with warmth, understanding, and consistency to help kids navigate tough emotional moments. These interactions aren’t just about calming them down; they’re about teaching lifelong skills in a secure, loving environment filled with structure, boundaries, and connection.
Children learn emotional regulation by watching how we handle stress and respond to challenges. Imagine Eric, who’s struggling with frustration over his writing homework. Instead of saying, “Just calm down,” you sit next to him and say, “I see this is really hard for you. Let’s figure it out together.” By acknowledging his feelings and working through the frustration alongside him, you’re not just calming him in the moment—you’re teaching him how to manage those feelings on his own down the road.
Co-regulation isn’t just for little kids; it’s something our children need well into their school years and even adolescence. Whether your child is 5 or 15, they benefit from your presence, guidance, and modeling.
When you consistently show them how to handle emotions—by taking a deep breath during a meltdown or calmly explaining your frustration—they internalize those lessons. Over time, these moments build their emotional “muscle,” helping them grow into resilient, self-regulated, emotionally intelligent individuals.
Your role as their co-regulator is a gift that keeps on giving, shaping not just their ability to manage emotions but also their confidence and ability to connect with others. The more you show them how to handle hard feelings, the more they’ll believe they can do it too.
The Science of Co-Regulation
Self-regulation is a skill that develops gradually, starting in infancy and continuing through adolescence and even into adulthood. As children grow and their ability to manage emotions improves, they naturally begin to rely less on their caregiver’s co-regulatory support. This important developmental process is closely tied to the health of the nervous system, with the autonomic nervous system playing a key role in shaping how emotional reactions are managed.
When a child faces overwhelming emotions or stress, their nervous system can shift into fight-or-flight mode or even freeze with fear. In these moments, parents and caregivers act as external regulators, stepping in to help the child return to a calm and balanced state. This process, known as co-regulation, creates opportunities for children to learn how to manage their feelings independently over time. The way parents model emotional regulation directly influences how effectively they guide their child toward emotional equilibrium.
The power of co-regulation lies in its ability to build emotional resilience. When parents or caregivers engage in consistent, supportive interactions, they help shape the neurological pathways that control emotional regulation.
This foundation not only provides children with tools to handle immediate emotional distress but also fosters long-term skills for emotional processing and understanding. Childhood co-regulation experiences are the cornerstone for developing emotional strength and adaptability as children grow into adolescence and beyond.
The Role of Parents and Caregivers in Coregulation
Parents and caregivers play a powerful role in helping children learn how to manage their emotions and behaviors through co-regulation. It all starts with you—before guiding your child, you need to master your own self-regulation skills. By understanding and managing your emotional triggers, you’re not only better equipped to stay calm in challenging moments but also modeling the healthy emotion management practices your child needs to see.
When you practice self-regulation—like taking deep breaths when you’re frustrated or using mindfulness to stay centered—you show your child how to handle emotions in real time. Verbalizing these strategies makes them even more relatable.
For instance, saying, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths to calm down,” turns a stressful moment into a teachable one. This kind of modeling is at the heart of co-regulation, offering children a real-world example of how to manage their own emotions constructively.
Co-regulation goes beyond just words—it’s about being attuned to your child’s emotional state. The way you use your voice, facial expressions, and body language communicates safety and support. When parents respond calmly and empathetically, children feel seen and understood, which not only helps them calm down but also strengthens their ability to self-regulate over time.
The benefits of co-regulation are far-reaching. Children with responsive caregivers tend to have better behavioral outcomes, improved academic performance, and stronger relationships. By engaging consistently and thoughtfully in your child’s emotional journey, you’re laying the foundation for lifelong emotional resilience and overall well-being.
Coregulation vs. Self-Regulation
Self-regulation and co-regulation are both essential for emotional wellness, but they play very different roles in helping children and adults navigate their emotions.
Co-regulation is a team effort. It happens when two people work together to manage emotions—one offering support while the other learns to steady their feelings. This shared experience not only helps with calming down in the moment but also strengthens emotional connections and creates a sense of safety. For kids, it’s like having a trusted guide showing them how to handle tough emotions until they’re ready to do it on their own.
Self-regulation, on the other hand, is all about independence. It’s the ability to manage emotions and behavior without relying on others. This skill develops over time, with kids gradually moving from needing co-regulation to handling feelings on their own. Self-regulation involves strategies like deep breathing, taking breaks, or using mindfulness to stay calm during stressful moments.
Both co-regulation and self-regulation are vital, working together to help children build emotional resilience. Co-regulation lays the groundwork for self-regulation, giving kids the tools and confidence to eventually handle emotional challenges independently.
Co-Regulation for Different Ages
Co-regulation is essential for kids of all ages—from infants to teens and even young adults. The level of support a child needs and their ability to self-regulate can vary widely based on their developmental stage, temperament, personality, or neurodivergence. That’s why a tailored approach is so important—it ensures you’re meeting your child where they are and giving them the tools they need to thrive.
Co-Regulation for Infants and Toddlers
For the youngest children, co-regulation is all about creating safety and security. Soothing touch, predictable routines, and a gentle, calming voice help infants and toddlers feel grounded and supported. These simple but powerful actions teach your child that they can rely on you during moments of distress, laying the foundation for emotional regulation as they grow.
Co-Regulation for School-Age Children
As kids move into their school years, co-regulation shifts to focus more on modeling and coaching emotional skills. At this stage, children begin to understand and practice tools like deep breathing or labeling their feelings. By staying calm and narrating your own emotions, you’re showing them how to navigate theirs. For example, saying, “I can see you’re feeling upset—let’s take a few breaths together,” teaches them a practical way to handle overwhelming emotions.
Co-Regulation for Teens
Teens are a whole different ballgame! Co-regulation during adolescence is about balancing support with respect for their growing independence. Open communication, active listening, and a willingness to give them space when needed are key. Teens thrive in environments where they feel heard and respected, so creating opportunities for honest dialogue can help strengthen your relationship and their ability to self-regulate.
Adapting Co-Regulation to Support Emotional Development
Adapting your co-regulation techniques to fit your child’s developmental stage is one of the best ways to nurture their emotional growth. Every interaction is an opportunity to foster self-regulation skills, helping your child gradually learn to handle their emotions independently. Whether you’re soothing a toddler, coaching a school-age child, or supporting a teen, your presence and responsiveness make all the difference in building their confidence and emotional resilience
Benefits of Coregulation for Children
Co-regulation is a game-changer for kids—it’s the foundation for their emotional and social development. By helping children identify and understand their emotions, you’re teaching them how to manage those feelings effectively. This skill is essential for managing stress, avoiding impulsive reactions, and solving problems more thoughtfully.
Co-regulation is more than just calming your child during tough moments—it’s also about creating emotional connections that make them feel safe and supported. When you share meaningful activities, like a family hike or a fun game night, you’re giving your child opportunities to build trust and feel secure. These shared experiences create a safe space for them to open up about their emotions, strengthening their ability to regulate feelings while boosting their overall mental wellness.
The benefits of co-regulation go far beyond emotional wellness—it plays a huge role in how kids perform in school and connect with their peers. When children learn to regulate their emotions, they’re better equipped to focus and succeed academically. They also find it easier to build strong relationships with friends because they can navigate social situations with confidence and empathy.
Co-regulation isn’t just about handling the hard moments; it’s about giving kids the tools they need to thrive in all areas of life. By consistently supporting their emotional growth, you’re helping them develop skills that will benefit them for years to come—both inside and outside the classroom.
When parents and caregivers prioritize co-regulation, they’re doing more than managing emotions in the moment—they’re laying the foundation for their child’s long-term success. Whether it’s improving emotional resilience, boosting academic performance, or fostering meaningful peer relationships, co-regulation gives kids the confidence and tools they need to flourish.
Coregulation Techniques for Parents and Caregivers: What Caregiver Behaviors Promote Coregulation?
Co-regulation is the secret ingredient in helping kids manage their emotions and build lifelong skills for self-regulation. As a parent or caregiver, your actions—both big and small—play a pivotal role in shaping how your child learns to handle stress, navigate challenges, and connect with others. Let’s break it down into practical, relatable steps you can take to foster your child’s emotional growth.
Modeling Self-Regulation
Your child learns by watching you. When you model self-regulation, you show them how to handle big emotions in real-time. This might look like creating a calm environment, solving problems together, or simply demonstrating patience.
For example, when you’re feeling frustrated, try verbalizing your approach:
- “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths to help myself calm down.”
This not only teaches your child how to manage their feelings but also normalizes the process of emotional regulation.
Validate and Empathize
Kids need to feel seen and understood. Acknowledging their emotions—without judgment—helps them build emotional intelligence and strengthens your bond. Use affirming statements like:
- “I can see you’re upset, and that’s okay. Let’s figure it out together.”
Avoid minimizing their feelings with comments like, “It’s not a big deal.” Instead, meet them where they are emotionally to foster a sense of trust and security.
Active Listening
When kids feel heard, they feel valued. Active listening means putting aside distractions, making eye contact, and truly focusing on your child’s words. Reflect their emotions back to them to show you’re tuned in:
- “I understand you’re upset because your toy broke. That’s really frustrating.”
This validation not only calms them in the moment but also helps them feel secure in expressing their emotions in the future.
Use Nonverbal Communication
In situations where verbal communication may fall short, nonverbal cues like maintaining eye contact, using a soft tone of voice, and offering a gentle touch can prove to be significantly impactful. By doing so with a child during intense emotional times, you provide them with reassurance and help them to remain calm.
A simple hug or holding their hand during a meltdown communicates:
- “I’m here, and you’re not alone.”
Create Predictable Routines
Children find a sense of security in structure and regularity. Maintaining consistent routines, particularly through transitional times such as going to bed or preparing for school in the morning, provides children with an understanding of what lies ahead, which diminishes worry and supports emotional equilibrium.
Having predictable schedules enables children to regulate their emotions better.
Reinforce Positive Behaviors
Praising a child for engaging in self-regulation strategies is more impactful than reprimanding them for negative behaviors. It’s beneficial when parents acknowledge and commend their child each time they employ techniques like deep breaths to manage their emotions, as this reinforces positive behavior and spurs the child on to maintain such practices.
By affirming actions with statements such as, “I’m proud of how you took deep breaths when you were upset. That was a great choice!” parents promote a feeling of accomplishment within the child.
Positive reinforcement encourages them to keep using these skills and builds their confidence.
Shared Activities and Positive Experiences
Connection is at the heart of co-regulation. Activities like family game nights, walks, or creative play create opportunities to strengthen your bond while helping your child process emotions in a safe environment.
Shared experiences also build their emotional resilience and contribute to improved mental health and even academic success.
Creating joyful moments through fun and engaging activities is a powerful way to support your child’s emotional regulation. These shared experiences not only help them manage their feelings more effectively but also boost their academic performance and contribute to their overall mental health and well-being.
Teach and Practice Regulation Techniques Together
Equip your child with practical tools they can use to manage their emotions. By engaging in techniques like deep breathing, utilizing sensory aids or mindfulness practices during tranquil periods, we impart and reinforce co regulation skills to children.
- Practice belly breathing together: “Let’s take a deep breath in and slowly let it out—just like blowing up a balloon!”
These moments of co-regulation pave the way for self-regulation as they grow. This cooperative method not only solidifies the notion of coregulation but also equips young ones with a repertoire of strategies for emotional self-regulation that they can employ to self soothe as needed over time.
Be Patient and Responsive
Children who are dysregulated may require an extended time to soothe themselves, and it is crucial that they experience responsive care in these instances to instill a sense of security. Remaining involved, despite difficulties, and providing reassuring messages such as “I’m here with you. Let’s take it one step at a time” can equip children with the support they need to handle their substantial emotions.
To cultivate a secure attachment and assist children in mastering control over their emotional experiences, patience and responsiveness play essential roles.
By staying calm and responsive, even during challenging moments, you help your child feel secure and supported as they learn to manage their emotions.
Adapt to Developmental Needs
Co-regulation isn’t one-size-fits-all. Infants and toddlers respond well to physical comfort like holding or rocking, while older kids benefit from conversations and collaborative problem-solving. For teens, co-regulation often looks like providing space while remaining available for open dialogue.
Tailoring your approach to your child’s age and unique needs ensures they feel supported and helps them develop emotional regulation skills at their own pace.
Coregulation in Different Types of Relationships
Co-regulation isn’t just for parents and children—it’s a powerful tool in all kinds of relationships. Whether it’s between siblings, friends, teachers and students, or romantic partners, co-regulation helps people manage emotions while building stronger, more nurturing connections. By understanding how co-regulation works in different contexts, we can foster healthier relationships and emotional growth throughout life.
Sibling Relationships
Co-regulation plays a big role in the bond between siblings. When siblings help each other manage emotions—like comforting a younger sibling after a tough day or resolving a disagreement calmly—they’re practicing mutual emotional support.
These interactions teach valuable skills like emotional intelligence and communication, making their relationship stronger and more positive over time. For instance, when one sibling says, “I know you’re upset because I took your toy. Let’s figure out how to share,” they’re not just solving a conflict—they’re building empathy and connection.
Peer Relationships
Friendships are another important space where co-regulation happens. Kids learn to manage their emotions and respond to the feelings of their peers, helping them navigate the ups and downs of friendships.
For example, if a child sees their friend feeling sad, they might offer comfort or ask, “Are you okay? Want to play together?” These moments of emotional support build stronger relationships and help kids develop social skills like empathy and cooperation.
Co-regulation in friendships also makes it easier for children to handle challenges, like disagreements or misunderstandings, and ultimately leads to more meaningful and lasting connections.
Teacher-Student Dynamics
Teachers play a key role in supporting children’s emotional regulation at school. By modeling calm responses and offering guidance, educators create a classroom environment that promotes emotional and academic growth.
For instance, a teacher might say, “I can see you’re frustrated with this math problem. Let’s take a deep breath and work through it together,” providing both emotional validation and a strategy for problem-solving.
This kind of co-regulation helps students feel safe and supported, making it easier for them to focus, learn, and develop important regulation skills that extend beyond the classroom.
Co-regulation in Romantic Relationships and Parenting
Co-regulation is just as essential in romantic relationships. Partners who practice co-regulation create a supportive and empathetic environment where both feel safe to share emotions and navigate stress together.
For example, when one partner says, “I see you’re feeling anxious—how can I help?” they’re offering emotional validation and support, which strengthens the bond between them.
Co-regulation in romantic relationships fosters empathy, open communication, and emotional connection. It also helps both partners improve their own emotional regulation by recognizing and responding to each other’s needs, leading to greater emotional well-being and intimacy.
When partners co-regulate effectively, they model healthy emotional habits that positively influence their parenting, creating a calm and nurturing environment for their children.
By practicing co-regulation in different contexts, we not only help others manage their emotions but also strengthen our own emotional well-being. It’s a skill that benefits everyone—at every stage of life.
Addressing Emotional Dysregulation and Emotional Development in Children
When children struggle with emotional regulation, even small upsets can feel overwhelming, leading to big reactions. This might show up as disruptive behavior at home, in school, or in social settings, leaving parents and teachers feeling unsure of how to help.
Signs of Emotional Dysregulation
Understanding the signs of emotional dysregulation is the first step toward helping your child manage their emotions effectively. Look for indicators like:
- Frequent and extreme mood swings
- Difficulty managing emotions like frustration or sadness
- Challenges with anger management
- Impulsive behaviors
- Trouble focusing or gettingon along with others
These behaviors often stem from a child’s inability to process and regulate emotions, and recognizing them early is key to providing the right support.
What Triggers Emotional Dysregulation?
Emotional dysregulation can be triggered by a variety of factors, including:
- Stress: Changes in routine, social challenges, or academic pressures
- Sleep deprivation: Exhaustion makes it harder for kids to regulate emotions
- Hunger: Low blood sugar can lead to irritability and emotional outbursts
- Sensory overload: Loud noises, bright lights, or crowded spaces can overwhelm a child
- New or intimidating situations: Unfamiliar environments can provoke anxiety
Understanding these triggers helps parents anticipate and respond to their child’s needs before emotions spiral out of control.
How Co-Regulation Helps
Co-regulation is a game-changer when it comes to supporting kids with emotional dysregulation. In the heat of the moment, strategies like deep breathing exercises and empathetic responses can help calm a dysregulated child. For example, saying:
- “I see you’re feeling frustrated. Let’s take some deep breaths together,” not only helps de-escalate the situation but also teaches them a valuable regulation tool.
When kids are calm, parents can take the opportunity to teach self-regulation techniques and coping skills. Acknowledge their feelings openly and practice strategies like mindfulness, sensory breaks, or talking through emotions. These moments of shared regulation build confidence and help children feel supported as they learn to manage their feelings.
The Long-Term Impact of Co-Regulation
The consistent use of co-regulation strategies during a child’s formative years shapes the neural pathways responsible for emotional regulation. This early foundation doesn’t just help kids manage emotions in the moment—it supports their emotional growth and builds resilience for future challenges.
Children who receive this kind of support:
- Show greater adaptability in unfamiliar or stressful situations
- Develop stronger social-emotional skills
- Are better equipped to form and maintain positive relationships
- Experience improved focus and emotional balance
As parents and caregivers, your commitment to co-regulation lays the groundwork for your child’s ability to self-regulate and thrive emotionally. By being consistent, empathetic, and intentional, you’re helping them develop the tools they need to succeed in all aspects of life.
Signs of Poor Co-regulation
RRecognizing the signs of poor co-regulation is an important step toward improving emotional support and connection in any relationship. When co-regulation is lacking, it can leave both partners or caregivers and children feeling disconnected, unsupported, and misunderstood. Here are some key indicators to watch for:
- Lack of Emotional Support: When partners or caregivers don’t provide validation or comfort during emotional moments, it can lead to feelings of isolation or rejection.
- Difficulty Communicating About Feelings: Struggling to express emotions or respond to another’s emotional needs can result in frequent misunderstandings or unresolved conflicts.
- Absence of Empathy or Mutual Understanding: Without the effort to understand each other’s emotions, it’s hard to create a meaningful connection or foster emotional growth.
- Defensiveness or Dismissiveness: Becoming defensive or dismissive when emotions are expressed can make the other person feel invalidated or unheard.
- Avoidance of Emotional Conversations: Avoiding emotional topics or conflicts leaves issues unresolved, often leading to lingering distress.
- Lack of Active Listening: Failing to truly listen to one another creates a sense of disconnection and reinforces feelings of not being valued.
- Inconsistent or Unreliable Emotional Support: When emotional support is unpredictable, it can create uncertainty and insecurity in the relationship.
Identifying these signs is the first step toward building a more supportive, empathetic connection. By addressing these areas, relationships—whether between partners, caregivers, or children—can become stronger, more resilient, and emotionally fulfilling.
Resources for Practicing Co-Regulation
Good news: you don’t have to be a perfect caregiver or partner for co-regulation to make a big difference. Research shows that effectively practicing co-regulation just 30% of the time can yield significant benefits. Small, consistent efforts matter.
Free Co-Regulation Tools
Parents and caregivers can explore free resources like Co-Regulation in Action, which offers video tutorials to help build co-regulation skills. These tools provide practical strategies for creating calmer, more connected relationships.
Professional Support for Emotional Challenges
If your child’s emotional challenges begin to interfere with daily life, seeking professional help can provide additional support. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge offers programs like Neurofeedback & Biofeedback, therapy sessions, and coaching specifically tailored for conditions such as ADHD, anxiety, and mood disorders.
My BrainBehaviorReset™ Program combines proven neuroscience-based strategies to help rewire the brain and improve emotional regulation. This approach helps children develop healthier behaviors and better manage their emotions, creating a ripple effect of positive changes at home and beyond.
More Resources for Parents
Dr. Roseann’s website and podcast is packed with valuable tools and tips for parents. From emotion management strategies to navigating key developmental stages, her resources highlight the role of co-regulation in creating a nurturing environment for your family. With the right support, parents and caregivers can equip their children with the emotional resilience they need to thrive at every stage of life.
Co-Regulation and Parenting
Co-regulation isn’t just about calming emotions in the moment—it’s about teaching lifelong skills that help children manage their feelings, build emotional intelligence, and strengthen their relationships. By recognizing the importance of co-regulation, parents and caregivers can use proven strategies to support a child’s emotional development and resilience.
The benefits of co-regulation extend far beyond the early years. From better academic performance to improved interpersonal relationships and overall emotional wellness, the impact of co-regulation lasts a lifetime. Leveraging available resources, including professional programs like the BrainBehaviorReset™ Program, can further empower families to create a healthy and supportive environment where everyone thrives.
Key Takeaways
- Coregulation is a parenting approach that emphasizes dynamic, supportive interactions to help children manage their emotions, facilitating emotional intelligence and self-regulation.
- Effective coregulation requires parents to model their own emotional management skills, demonstrate empathy, and engage in consistent, responsive interactions with their children.
- The practice of coregulation varies by developmental age, necessitating tailored techniques to meet the unique emotional needs of infants, school-aged children, and teenagers for optimal emotional support.
What is coregulation and why is it important?
Coregulation is a vital process in which caregivers assist children in managing their emotions through supportive interactions, significantly contributing to the development of emotional intelligence and self-regulation skills.
This support is essential for helping children effectively navigate their feelings and behaviors.
How does coregulation differ from self-regulation?
Self-regulation focuses on an individual’s ability to independently control their own emotions and behaviors. In contrast, coregulation is about the shared emotional support exchanged between people.
Each plays a critical role in managing emotions, though they function differently within the context of emotional well-being.
What role do parents and caregivers play in coregulation?
Parents and caregivers play a pivotal role in coregulation, as they control their emotions and exemplify self-regulation. This not only helps children develop emotional regulation skills, but also fosters secure attachments.
Such an engaged interaction is immensely influential in shaping the trajectory of a child’s development.
How can coregulation techniques be adapted for different ages?
Techniques for coregulation need to be customized according to different stages of development, focusing on calming touch and consistent routines for babies and young children, while guiding school-age kids in developing their emotional abilities. For adolescents, the approach shifts towards encouraging autonomy through respectful interaction and dialogue.
Such a bespoke strategy ensures that emotional development is nurtured appropriately across all ages.
What resources are available for practicing coregulation?
For practicing co-regulation, the ‘Co-Regulation in Action’ program provides free video resources for parents.
Specialized support can be obtained through professional guidance from experts like Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge.
Citations
Heatherton T. F. (2011). Neuroscience of self and self-regulation. Annual review of psychology, 62, 363–390. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.121208.131616
Lobo, F. M., & Lunkenheimer, E. (2020). Understanding the parent-child coregulation patterns shaping child self-regulation. Developmental psychology, 56(6), 1121–1134. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000926
Paley, B., & Hajal, N. J. (2022). Conceptualizing Emotion Regulation and Coregulation as Family-Level Phenomena. Clinical child and family psychology review, 25(1), 19–43. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Self-Regulation who frequently is in the media:
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- HomeschoolOT Therapy Services Understanding Nervous System Dysregulation in Children: A Guide for Homeschool Parents
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Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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Dr. Roseann is a Children’s Mental Health Expert and Licensed Therapist who has been featured in/on hundreds of media outlets including The Mel Robbins Show, CBS, NBC, PIX11 NYC, Today, FORBES, CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, Business Insider, Women’s Day, Healthline, CNET, Parade Magazine and PARENTS. FORBES called her, “A thought leader in children’s mental health.”
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