Failure to Launch Meaning and Understanding Its Effect on Young Adults

As of July 2021, Pew Research Center reported that the unemployment rate for young adults (ages 16-24) was 14.2%, significantly higher than the overall unemployment rate of 5.8% for all ages.

Failure to launch syndrome is the unofficial name for an increasingly common problem among young adults who are either ill-prepared or unwilling to leave the family home and begin their life journey toward an independent life. The increase in this phenomenon coincides with a rise in mental health issues faced by children and teens. 22 percent of American teens experience a significant mental health issue before age 18. (Merikangas, et. al., 2010)

Dealing with failure to launch syndrome can be quite the drama. Many young adult children living at home are basically living in an extended teenage phase, clinging to their parents' support while figuring out how to adult.

It's a classic scenario: An adult child seems to have hit the snooze button on life, hanging around for over a year or more and leaving their parents to play the role of perpetual cheerleaders and financial supporters.

Young people stuck in this rut often struggle to step up their game despite the growing pressure from parents eager to see them gain independence. It’s like living in a never-ending episode of “Will They, Won’t They” with adulthood. Adult children living at home might find their parents’ patience wearing thin, especially when living in the family home for an extended period, or if they don't, parents end up paying rent.

A young person who wants to break free from this cycle isn’t just about waiting for a miracle. It involves a serious dose of self-regulation, some coping skills, and a reality check on their goals. For college students, the challenge is even bigger. It can be overwhelming after they attend school and transition from academic cushiness to the real world’s grind.

So, if you're in this situation, it’s time to make things happen. Parents, don’t just keep waiting—encourage those young adults to step up and take charge of their lives. The “failure to launch” saga can end, but it takes a bit of sass and a lot of action.

What is Failure to Launch Syndrome?

Failure to launch syndrome falls in the same bucket if you have heard of the Peter Pan Syndrome. Peter Pan Syndrome refers to individuals who, much like the character Peter Pan, resist growing up and taking on adult roles. This syndrome often involves a reluctance to embrace the responsibilities and challenges of adulthood, leading to behaviors that might seem immature or avoidance-oriented.

Failure to launch syndrome, on the other hand, is a broader term describing young adults who have difficulty achieving independence and self-sufficiency. It includes challenges such as struggling to find stable employment, manage finances, or live independently. Those experiencing failure to launch syndrome may exhibit behaviors aligned with Peter Pan Syndrome, such as procrastination, dependency on parents, or reluctance to make long-term commitments.

Twenty-four million people in young adulthood, aged 18 to 34, lived under their parents’ roof in 2015, according to the US Census. That’s a third of young people!  There is a demographic shift in young adults, noting that a significant number of them are delaying traditional milestones of adulthood such as marriage, home ownership, and financial independence. (Vespa, J. 2017).

Fear of failure in American teens and young adults causes them to delay independence, thus creating a major stumbling block in our otherwise success-driven society. Often, this age group is referred to as emerging adults based on the delay in their transition from dependence to independence.

Even their language reflects this shift, as the term “adulting” is used to describe moments of responsible behavior. Growing up is viewed as an optional choice rather than a necessity of life.

These same teens typically demonstrate a history of difficulty with independent learning in academic or social areas or with stress management. To achieve success with tasks and academic endeavors, they often need extra support. Some might even master academic skills well enough to get good grades, yet struggle with independent living skills.  

Conditions such as anxiety, OCD, PANS/PANDAS, Lyme, depression, oppositional defiant disorder, and autism are common diagnoses for teens who fail to launch. Their clinical issues and often chronic long-term stress hold them back from being successful at college, work, or in relationships. 

An increase in failure to launch syndrome correlates with changes in parenting that reject promoting independent behaviors and prioritize stress avoidance. Our culture has embraced a style of bubble wrap parenting that shields children from discomfort, thus depriving a young person of valuable experience managing the sometimes uncomfortable feelings that come with independence.

Wendy Mogel’s groundbreaking book, “Blessing of a Skinned Knee” discusses a child’s need to experience failure to develop the ability to manage frustration, which ultimately builds self-control and independence. Failure to launch adult children often have a history of low-stress tolerance, and well-meaning parents inadvertently contribute to their child’s fear of failure.

As these teens enter the workforce or attempt to go to school, they often experience severe failure, due to immature self-regulatory skills. There’s no calling a tutor for work, and a college professor isn’t going to modify the curriculum.

Typical Timeline of Transition to Independence for Adolescents and Young Adults

What Are the Failure to Launch Symptoms?

Young adults suffering from failure-to-launch syndrome experience a variety of symptoms that often result from a lack of or improper mental illness treatment. Failure to launch symptoms include more than an obvious desire to not leave home and be cared for by a parent. People with failure to launch syndrome often display anxiety that affects how they deal with stress, interact with others, and take action.

They are often immobilized by fear to the point that are unwilling to do anything that puts them outside of their comfort zone and thus are unable to do much more than live at home. They often have very poor communication skills, which makes helping them to move forward even harder. 

Common Failure to Launch Syndrome Behaviors

• Lack of motivation
• Poor work ethic
• Lack of self-regulation
• Inconsistent or poor grades
• History of anxiety or self-worth issues
• Easily stressed or upset
• History of mental illness
• Doesn’t like working or learning outside of the comfort zone
• Low stress tolerance
• Entitled attitude
• Attentional or executive functioning challenges
• Social skill deficits/social isolation
• Can’t hold a steady job
• Lives with parents
• Tried to launch (college, employment) but failed
• Financial dependency
• Excessive marijuana usage
• Gaming addiction
• Resistance or refusal of help
• Lack of insight into their behavior
• Poor problem-solving skills
• History of academic or social difficulties in high school

What Causes Failure to Launch in Young Adult Children?

There are many reasons young adults struggle to transition to adulthood. Young people with failure to launch syndrome display delayed maturation in areas that prevent them from leaving the nest. They often lack the healthy social and coping skills required to step out on their own successfully. Many of these children experienced significant delays in achieving social, emotional, or learning milestones, while for others, the fear of independence surfaced later in life.

The ability to self-regulate begins as an infant. For many teens who fail to launch, managing stress has been challenging their entire lives. Parents wait with bated breath for maturity to develop, erroneously thinking it will happen when they go to college or gain employment. Unfortunately, this life skill has no single trigger or magic moment. Life remains hard if one doesn’t learn to manage stress independently.

All teens and young adults with failure to launch syndrome have poor executive functioning skills, or in other words, they don't ever “see” the result and, therefore, have no idea of how what they are doing today connects to a larger goal. These kids lack strategic organizational and problem-solving skills and instead rely on adults to help them or just passively do nothing because they get stuck.

Failure To Launch: A Typical Family Setting

The family setting for a young adult facing failure to launch often involves complex dynamics. Many young adult children living at home struggle to transition to independence due to various factors, including financial constraints, mental health issues, or lack of clear goals. Most young adults experiencing this issue may remain with their parents for extended periods, often over a year or more, as they grapple with these challenges.

Young people in this situation might find themselves in a cycle where they rely on their families for support while struggling to make significant strides toward self-sufficiency. Adult children living at home may face additional pressures from parents who are eager for them to gain independence but also feel conflicted about the best way to support them.

Young adults find that overcoming failure to launch requires addressing both external guidance and personal and familial factors. This often involves a combination of developing coping skills, improving emotional regulation, and setting realistic goals. For college students and young men, these elements can be particularly crucial as they transition from academic environments to the workforce and other adult responsibilities.

Ultimately, creating a supportive and structured family environment can help your child overcome failure to launch. Still, it often requires both patience and strategic interventions from both the individual and their family.

Common Causes of Young Adult's Failure to Launch Syndrome

• Low self-esteem
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Unsuccessful Differentiation (responsibility/rebellion)
• Perfectionism
• Substance Abuse
• Poor Social Skills
• Executive Functioning Issues
• ADHD
• Autism Spectrum Disorder
• Chronic health issues (PANS/PANDAS, Lyme Disease, etc.)
• Enabled parenting (Authoritarian or Permissive)
• Entitlement
• High sensitivity
• Lack of coping skills and resiliency
• Misinterpreting good grades in high school as an indicator of good mental health
• Not addressing an underlying mental health issue

Parent Don’ts: Key Mistakes to Avoid When Your Young Adult is Struggling with Failure to Launch

When dealing with a young adult experiencing failure to launch, there are several key things parents should avoid to help their child successfully transition to independence:

1. Don’t Enable Dependency: Avoid continuously solving problems or providing financial support without setting clear boundaries. Falling into the accommodation trap where you do too much for your child prevents them from learning essential life skills and taking responsibility for their actions. Many parents find themselves in this trap, thinking that their support will help, but it often just prolongs dependency.
2. Don’t Criticize Harshly: While it’s essential to address issues, avoid harsh criticism or blame. This can damage self-esteem and motivation. Constructive feedback is more effective in helping most adolescents make positive changes. Helicopter parenting, where you excessively micromanage, can exacerbate the issue by undermining their confidence. Helicopter parenting undermines young adults’ independence and confidence by excessively controlling their lives, which can lead to increased anxiety, impaired decision-making skills, and prolonged dependency on their parents.
3. Don’t Hover: Avoid micromanaging every aspect of their life. Hovering can impede their ability to develop independence. Instead, offer guidance and support while allowing them space to make their own decisions and learn from mistakes. Understand that finding their own path is crucial, even if it means making some missteps along the way.
4. Don’t Ignore Mental Health Issues: If the young adult is struggling with mental health challenges, don’t dismiss or overlook them. Be a parent detective and discover the underlying cause of your child's failure to launch problems. If mental health is the root cause, seek professional support and treatment. Many cultures place a stigma on mental health, but acknowledging and addressing these issues is vital for achieving financial independence and self-sufficiency. Seeking help from a mental health expert or clinical psychologist can make a world of difference.
5. Don’t Make Excuses: Avoid making excuses for their lack of progress or failures. Acknowledging and addressing the underlying issues is crucial for overcoming failure to launch. This includes understanding that many responsibilities come with adult life, and they need to face these challenges head-on.
6. Don’t Compare: Refrain from comparing your child’s progress to that of their peers or siblings. Each individual’s journey is unique, and comparisons can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Remember, everyone faces their own set of challenges and timelines.
7. Don’t Avoid Setting Boundaries: Set boundaries. Avoid creating a situation where the young adult feels entitled to constant support without making efforts towards self-sufficiency. Establishing boundaries helps them understand that transitioning to independence is a full-time job requiring commitment and effort.
8. Don’t Neglect Communication: Avoid withdrawing from open and honest communication. Engaging in regular, supportive conversations can help address concerns and create a collaborative approach to solving problems. Keeping the lines of communication open ensures that both parties are working towards the same goal of independence.

Parenting strategies are important in helping young adults develop resilience and independence as they transition to adulthood. (Mogel, W. 2001). By avoiding these pitfalls, parents can create a more positive impact and supportive environment, encouraging your child to take steps toward independence and personal growth. Helping your child overcome failure to launch syndrome requires patience, support, and the encouragement of independence. 

Watch my podcast on Failure to Launch Strategies to learn how to proactively help your child succeed and prepare for adulthood.