What’s normal, what’s not, and how to support your child through every stage and understand what is age appropriate behavior.
Many parents come to me wondering if their child’s behavior is “just a phase” or something more. Whether it’s tantrums, trouble focusing, or mood swings, understanding what’s typical—and what’s a sign of dysregulation—is the first step toward helping your child learn how to self-regulate.
It is important for parent to understand what age-appropriate behavior looks like, how to spot red flags, and what you can do to support your child’s emotional and behavioral development at every stage.
What Is Age-Appropriate Behavior?
Age-appropriate behavior is the set of emotional responses, social interactions, and self-control skills that children are expected to develop at each stage of growth. These behavioral milestones act like signposts, helping caregivers gauge whether a child’s brain and nervous system are developing in sync with their age.
But here’s what I want every parent to understand: children don’t misbehave out of malice. When a child is hitting, screaming, ignoring instructions, or falling apart over “small” things—it’s rarely about defiance. More often, it’s a signal that their nervous system is overwhelmed and needs support, not shame.
What Behaviors Are Typical at Each Age?
Children speak through their behavior, and some emotional ups and downs are to be expected at every age. Learning how to regulate emotions isn’t instant—it’s a developmental process that takes time, support, and lots of practice.
Toddlers (1–3 Years)
- Tantrums when frustrated
- Clinginess or separation anxiety
- Resistance to sharing or following directions
Preschoolers (4–5 Years)
- Big emotions, limited regulation skills
- Magical thinking and pretend play
- Asking “why” constantly
Early Elementary (6–8 Years)
- Testing rules and boundaries
- Increased independence
- Difficulty sitting still or managing frustration
Tweens (9–12 Years)
- Mood swings and sensitivity
- Identity exploration
- Increased social awareness
Teens (13–18 Years)
- Increased independence and boundary-pushing
- Heightened sensitivity to peer relationships
- Intense emotional reactions and stress about future plans
These are all part of growing up—but when these behaviors go beyond what’s typical or begin to disrupt daily life, it’s time to take a closer look.
Dysregulated Behavior by Age
| Age Range | Examples of Dysregulated Behavior |
|---|---|
| Toddlers (1–3) | Frequent aggression, inconsolable meltdowns, developmental regression |
| Preschoolers (4–5) | Explosive reactions, extreme resistance to transitions, excessive fears |
| Early Elementary | Frequent meltdowns, emotional outbursts at school, avoidance of tasks |
| Tweens (9–12) | School refusal, emotional shutdowns, withdrawal from peers |
| Teens (13–18) | Intense mood swings, chronic irritability, risky or avoidant behavior, school refusal, emotional shutdowns, academic or social withdrawal |
When Should I Be Concerned About My Child’s Behavior?
Sometimes it’s hard to tell when a behavior is just a rough patch—or a red flag. But when challenging behaviors become the norm, it’s time to dig deeper.
Here’s what to pay attention to: Are these behaviors affecting your child’s daily functioning? Are they getting worse or happening more frequently? Are they causing stress for your child, your family, or in school settings?
If your child:
- Has frequent meltdowns that don’t improve with support
- Avoids school, friends, or everyday routines
- Shows regression in potty training, sleep, or eating
- Displays impulsivity or aggression that feels extreme for their age
…then their nervous system may be dysregulated.
And here’s the most important part: these behaviors aren’t random. They’re rooted in how the brain processes stress and stimulation. That’s why calming the nervous system is the first—and most critical—step in helping your child move toward better regulation and behavior.
Behavior Clues and What They Might Mean
| Behavior Clue | Possible Root Cause |
|---|---|
| Constant fidgeting | Understimulated brain, sensory processing need |
| Meltdowns at transitions | Poor cognitive flexibility, anxiety |
| Resistance to homework | Executive functioning challenges |
| Overreaction to “no” | Emotional dysregulation, weak stress tolerance |
| Refusal to go to school | Social anxiety, sensory overload, dysregulation |
How Do Dysregulation and Developmental Delays Affect Behavior?
Dysregulation isn’t about willful disobedience. It’s the brain’s stress response going into overdrive. Kids with ADHD, anxiety, sensory processing issues, or autism often show behavior that looks defiant but is really protective.
- They might melt down at transitions
- Avoid tasks that feel overwhelming
- Struggle with following multi-step directions
Behavior that doesn’t match developmental expectations can be a signal that your child needs more support, not more discipline.
What Are Signs of Emotional Dysregulation in Children by Age?
Dysregulation can look very different depending on your child’s age and stage of development. The key is to notice when emotional responses are consistently out of proportion, or when your child struggles to recover after becoming upset. These patterns are often a sign that their nervous system needs more support.
Preschoolers
- Screaming, hitting, or biting
- Trouble calming after upsets
- Fear of new or unexpected situations
Elementary-Age Kids
- Overreacting to small frustrations
- Outbursts that seem “too big” for the situation
- Trouble with attention, sleep, or routines
Tweens and Teens
- Mood swings or shutdowns
- School refusal or peer conflicts
- Withdrawal or defiance
Recognizing these signs allows you to shift your lens: from seeing your child as defiant or dramatic, to understanding that their brain is under stress.
Remember: It’s not bad parenting—it’s a dysregulated brain.
How Can I Support Age-Appropriate Behavior at Home?
Supporting age-appropriate behavior starts with meeting your child where they are developmentally—not where others say they “should” be. Every child develops emotional regulation at their own pace, and that’s okay.
You don’t need to do it all perfectly. You just need to start with calming the brain.
Practical Ways to Support Your Child:
- Use routines and structure to build safety
- Model emotional regulation yourself
- Use brain-calming tools like breathing, movement, and sensory activities
- Avoid yelling or punishment during moments of dysregulation
Real-life story: A mom in my practice added a 5-minute calming routine before school with her son, who has anxiety. Within a week, his daily refusals turned into cooperation.
What Helps vs. What Hurts a Dysregulated Child
| Do This (Helps) | Not This (Hurts) |
|---|---|
| Co-regulate with calm presence | Yell, threaten, or punish |
| Set predictable routines | Change plans suddenly |
| Offer sensory or movement breaks | Force them to “sit still and behave” |
| Praise effort and regulation wins | Focus only on compliance or outcomes |
What Are Healthy Ways to Discipline a Dysregulated Child?
Traditional discipline doesn’t work for dysregulated brains—and often makes things worse. When a child is overwhelmed, no amount of time-outs, threats, or sticker charts will help them learn to calm down.
Instead, they need connection, structure, and tools that support nervous system regulation.
Here’s how to shift from reactive discipline to brain-based support:
- Co-regulate first (Dr. Roseann’s CALMS™ Protocol): Your calm helps calm them. Use presence, breath, and a soft tone to anchor them before addressing behavior.
- Use natural consequences: Let the outcome flow from the behavior, not from your frustration. If a toy is thrown, it’s put away—not as punishment, but as a boundary.
- Focus on teaching regulation skills: Instead of “go to your room,” help them name their feelings and learn what helps them calm down.
- Praise progress, not perfection: Celebrate small wins. “You took a deep breath before yelling—that’s amazing!”
When you lead with compassion and teach from a place of calm, you’re not just correcting behavior—you’re building emotional intelligence.. When a child is overwhelmed, no amount of time-outs, threats, or sticker charts will help them learn to calm down.
Expert Opinions on Child Development and Emotional Regulation
“Behavior is the language of unmet needs. We must look beneath the surface to understand what’s really going on.”
— Mona Delahooke, Ph.D.
“Development doesn’t happen in a straight line. Kids zigzag, and that’s okay.”
— Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child
“The first five years lay the foundation for emotional intelligence. Early co-regulation sets the tone for later self-regulation.”
— Dr. Tovah Klein, Barnard College
Frequently Asked Questions About Age Appropriate Behaviors (FAQs)
What is age-appropriate behavior?
It’s behavior that aligns with typical emotional and developmental milestones for your child’s age.
How do I know if my child is just going through a phase?
Look for patterns. If behaviors persist, worsen, or impact daily life, it may be more than a phase.
What if my child is emotionally behind their peers?
Meet them where they are. Emotional development isn’t always in sync with cognitive development.
How can I support my child without being too permissive?
Set firm but compassionate boundaries and model calm, consistent behavior.
Can I discipline a child with ADHD or anxiety the same way as other kids?
Dysregulated children need brain-based strategies. Connection and co-regulation must come before correction.
Is it normal for teens to be moody?
Yes, but if it leads to isolation, rage, or shutdown, deeper support is needed.
Citations:
Cole, P. M., Michel, M. K., & Teti, L. O. (1994). The development of emotion regulation and dysregulation: a clinical perspective. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 59(2-3), 73–100.
McQuillan, M. E., Kultur, E. C., Bates, J. E., O’Reilly, L. M., Dodge, K. A., Lansford, J. E., & Pettit, G. S. (2018). Dysregulation in children: Origins and implications from age 5 to age 28. Development and psychopathology, 30(2), 695–713. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579417001572
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge is a licensed mental health expert that is frequently cited in the media:
- CBS2 New York (Article) Experts Offer Tips On How To Help Children Deal With Anxiety.
- Parade Want to Know How to Overcome Social Anxiety? We’ve got Help!.
©Roseann Capanna-Hodge 2025
