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When every request feels like a battle—whether it’s brushing teeth, doing homework, or getting ready for school—it’s easy to feel worn down as a parent. You may find yourself asking, “Why does my child fight me on everything?”
For some children, what looks like stubbornness or refusal is actually part of a deeper pattern called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). And while PDA often gets described as simply resisting or refusing, there’s a lot more going on beneath the surface.
Understanding PDA beyond just the “no’s” can help you see your child’s behavior with compassion—and discover ways to connect instead of clash.
Beyond Saying “No”: What PDA Really Means
PDA is widely understood as part of the autism spectrum (O’Nions et al., 2021; Kamp-Becker et al., 2023), though it isn’t formally recognized in diagnostic manuals. Many clinicians and parents see it as a unique autism profile where anxiety and a deep need for control drive extreme avoidance of everyday demands.
Children with PDA aren’t just being difficult. Their nervous system is wired to treat even small demands as threats. What might seem like a simple request to us—“put on your shoes”—can feel overwhelming and unsafe to them.
This isn’t about a child being defiant on purpose. It’s about a child whose brain and body are working so hard to protect them that compliance feels impossible in the moment. It’s less “won’t” and more “can’t right now.”
CEO of At Peace Parents, Dr. Casey Ehrlich, said, “PDA is a perception of threat that is specifically tied to the loss of autonomy or equality, and it sets off a nervous system response that is tied to the survival instinct.”
Why Demands Feel So Big to a PDA Child
So what makes everyday demands feel unbearable? Here are some of the common underlying triggers:
- Loss of control: Kids with PDA need to feel in charge of their own world. Even when they want to do something, being told can spark alarm.
- Intolerance of uncertainty: Not knowing what’s coming next can send their nervous system into overdrive.
- Sensitivity to pressure: Demands create a sense of pressure—and pressure feeds anxiety.
When you look through this lens, it becomes clear that resistance isn’t about pushing back against you—it’s your child fighting off their own feelings of overwhelm.
What are The Hidden Coping Strategies of PDA Children?
Many PDA kids get creative in avoiding demands. You may notice them:
- Cracking a joke to distract you
- Changing the subject
- Using excuses or bargaining
- Acting silly or role-playing to dodge the task
These aren’t manipulations. They’re coping strategies. Your child is doing their best to protect themselves from something that feels too big in that moment.
PDA vs. “Stubborn” Kids
It’s important to know that PDA isn’t the same as being strong-willed. All kids resist at times, but PDA behaviors are driven by deeper anxiety and a nervous system that interprets demands as unsafe.
Myth: “They’re just trying to control me.”
Truth: They’re trying to regain a sense of safety.
Myth: “If I’m stricter, they’ll listen.”
Truth: More pressure usually makes things worse, not better.
Recognizing the difference is key—because the way you respond can either escalate the power struggle or help your child feel safe enough to cooperate.
How is Everyday Life with PDA?
Living with PDA means resistance shows up in many small moments. You might see:
- Bedtime battles: Avoiding pajamas, stalling with “one more story,” or sudden meltdowns.
- Homework struggles: Shutting down, distracting, or claiming they “forgot.”
- Transitions: Explosive reactions when asked to switch from play to chores.
- Social settings: Saying “no” to invitations, or joining in but suddenly withdrawing.
Parents often describe feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set off the next big reaction.
What Helps (Without Getting Technical)
Commonly used strategies:
| Strategy | Parent-Friendly Explanation | Example / Focus |
|---|---|---|
| Occupational Therapy (OT) | Helps kids manage sensory sensitivities and daily routines. | Practicing transitions with gentle exposure. |
| Speech & Language Therapy | Supports communication and reduces frustration in social situations. | Building language for smoother interactions. |
| Parent Coaching | Gives caregivers tools for reducing meltdowns and calming the brain first. | Step-by-step support for handling tough moments. |
| Mindfulness & Relaxation | Uses deep breathing or guided relaxation to reduce the baseline of anxiety. | Practicing short relaxation exercises daily. |
| Neurofeedback & Brain-Based Approaches | Safe, non-invasive ways to calm brain wave activity. | Brain training that supports regulation. |
One thing most parents often miss is that supporting a PDA child isn’t just about finding the “perfect discipline system.” It’s about helping their brain feel safe so they can meet demands.
Here are other parent-friendly strategies to deal with your child:
- Collaboration over commands: Invite your child into the process instead of telling them what to do.
- Offer choices: Even small choices—“blue shirt or green shirt?”—can help them feel more in control.
- Use humor and play: Lightening the mood reduces pressure and keeps connection intact.
- Predictability matters: Routines ease uncertainty and lower anxiety.
- Calm first, then expectations: Co-regulate with your child before expecting compliance.
These small shifts can turn moments of resistance into opportunities for connection.
A Different Way Forward
PDA is not about bad behavior or bad parenting. It’s about a child whose nervous system is telling them, “I don’t feel safe.”
When you look beyond refusal and resistance, you see a child who needs compassion, flexibility, and co-regulation—not stricter rules or more consequences. By meeting your child with empathy and support, you create space for trust, resilience, and calmer days.
PDA is about so much more than saying “no.” It’s a child’s way of showing you just how hard they’re working to feel safe in a world that feels overwhelming. And when you shift from seeing opposition to seeing communication, you don’t just reduce power struggles—you strengthen the bond that matters most.
FAQ: Common Parent Questions About PDA
Is PDA part of autism?
Yes. PDA is considered a profile of autism, though not every autistic child has PDA traits.
Is PDA real?
Yes. Though not officially in the DSM-5, PDA is widely recognized by clinicians, especially in the UK, and is supported by growing research.
How do I know if my child has PDA?
If everyday demands cause extreme meltdowns, avoidance, or anxiety, talk to a clinician familiar with PDA. Screening tools like the EDA-Q can help guide discussions.
Citations
Kamp-Becker, I., Schu, U., and Stroth, S. (2023). Pathological demand avoidance: current state of research and critical discussion. Z Kinder Jugendpsychiatr Psychother. 51(4):321-332. https://doi.org/10.1024/1422-4917/a000927.
O’Nions, E., Happé, F., Viding, E., & Noens, I. (2021). Extreme Demand Avoidance in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Refinement of a Caregiver-Report Measure. Advances in Neurodevelopmental Disorders, 5(3), 269–281.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s41252-021-00203-z
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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