I know how frustrating it can be for parents to watch their child struggle with self-control—grabbing things without asking, interrupting conversations, or having big emotional reactions over small issues. It can be challenging, leaving you feeling like you are always walking on eggshells or bracing for the next meltdown. As parents, we remind them to slow down and think before they act, but sometimes, it just feels like nothing is working no matter what we do.
Self-control is essential for so many aspects of life that's why it's important to understand what is really going on beneath the surface to help your child build better self-control skills. In this episode, we are breaking down the hidden causes of self-control challenges and what you can do to help your child develop this important skill.
Nervous System Maturity and Self-Control
What many parents believe is that their child just needs to try harder when it comes to self-control. But here’s the thing–self-control isn’t about effort; it’s about the maturity of the brain and nervous system. I talk with parents every day who are frustrated by their child’s impulsivity, whether it’s difficulty getting along with others, struggling to start or finish tasks, or needing constant guidance to regulate their emotions. The truth is, self-control is a skill, not an instant ability. Our job is to help our kids move from dysregulation to self-regulation, and that takes time, modeling, and support.
Self-control develops in the prefrontal cortex which is the part of the brain right behind your forehead that isn’t fully mature until the mid-20s. And some kids develop these skills more slowly, whether due to their natural pace, a lack of reinforcement, or neurodevelopmental differences like ADHD, autism, or learning challenges. However, that doesn’t mean they won’t develop self-control. It just means they need more patience, guidance, and the right tools. With the right support, every child can strengthen their ability to self-regulate, and I want to reassure you that it can and will happen.
Nervous System Dysregulation and Impulsivity
Kids struggle with self-control mostly because of nervous system dysregulation and impulsivity. When a child is in fight, flight, or freeze mode, their frontal lobes, the part of the brain that helps with impulse control, basically shut down. This is why they act without thinking. It is just how the brain is wired for survival. If a child is under-stimulated, they might have trouble listening, focusing, or following through on tasks. If they are over-stimulated, they might have big emotions, get upset easily, or struggle with transitions. The first step to better self-control is helping them regulate their nervous system.Another big reason kids struggle with self-control is delays in executive functioning. Different parts of the brain develop at different speeds, and self-regulation takes time to build. The good news is that kids can improve these skills with the right support and habits.Being smart does not automatically mean a child has great self-control. A kid can have a super high IQ and still forget to flush the toilet or melt down over little things. What really matters is whether their nervous system is calm enough to take in and use new skills. Once parents realize this, it can be a total lightbulb moment.
Executive Functioning Delays and Memory
The brain has different regions that control various functions, and one of the best ways to understand what is regulating properly is through a QEEG brain map. But even without a brain scan, behavior gives us important clues. One major factor that impacts self-control is executive function delays, particularly in working memory. If a child struggles to pause before taking action, they are going to have a hard time with self-control. Memory plays a big role in this because it helps kids recall instructions, process information, and make thoughtful decisions.There are three main types of memory—short-term memory, which holds information for just a moment, working memory, which requires actively using information, and long-term memory, which stores information for future use. A child might be strong in one area and weak in another, but no matter what, attention is key. If a child is dysregulated, their ability to pay attention and use their memory effectively can be compromised.Kids with executive functioning difficulties also tend to struggle with cognitive flexibility, which makes self-control even harder. Cognitive flexibility is what allows a child to switch gears, move from one task to another, and shift their attention when needed. When this skill is weak, transitions can be difficult, and kids may get stuck in routines or have trouble stopping one activity to start another. This is why self-control challenges are not just about willpower. They are tied to brain development, regulation, and executive functioning skills that need support and practice to improve.
Impact of Screen Time on Self-Control
Another big reason kids struggle with self-control is too much screen time. Research shows that 40% of two-year-olds have their own device, which is shocking. Too much screen time trains the brain to expect quick dopamine hits, making it harder for kids to be patient and focus. The reality is that not everything in life is fun and exciting, and kids need to build the ability to stick with things even when they are not instantly stimulating.When dopamine levels drop after a spike, kids can become more impulsive, and when they are constantly chasing that high, it can even lead to aggressive behaviors. Screens play a big role in both of these, so it is definitely something to keep in mind when thinking about self-control struggles.If your child is constantly dysregulated, takes a long time to calm down, and struggles to recover after getting upset, that is a sign something more is going on. It could be something internal, something in their environment, or even parenting style, since being overly strict can actually make dysregulation worse. If their struggles are affecting home life, friendships, sibling relationships, or school, it is worth paying attention.On the other hand, if you are doing everything right—co-regulating, staying calm, focusing on teaching instead of punishing—and they are still not improving, it might be time to get support from a professional. Self-control issues are not about bad behavior. They are about where a child is in their brain development, and the good news is that kids of any age can learn these skills.Stay tuned for the next episode where we will dive into practical strategies to help your child develop better self-control!
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