You see it coming, don’t you? The subtle shift in mood, the warning signs… and then, boom! Your once calm child is now a whirlwind of screams, tears, and flailing arms. You brace yourself for the storm. But here’s the thing — you can try everything, yet those tantrums still show up uninvited, like an unwanted guest at the worst possible moment.
When it escalates into a full-blown meltdown, it feels like all hope for a peaceful resolution evaporates. It’s more than just frustration; it’s a complete breakdown of control. And there you are, left trying to pick up the emotional pieces.
Let’s dive into what makes meltdowns and tantrums so different and why even your best efforts might not always be enough to avoid them. Plus, learn about my CALMS Protocol, which I’ve used in my Ridgefield, CT clinic to help thousands of families manage their dysregulated kids and bring calm back into their lives.
What are Temper Tantrums?
Temper tantrums are unpleasant, disruptive behaviors or emotional outbursts that children exhibit when frustrated. Temper tantrums are sudden and intense emotional outbursts that often seem exaggerated compared to what triggered them. Research shows that severe tantrums in preschoolers can be linked to mental health issues later on. (Hoyniak et al., 2023)
Children have temper tantrums in response to unmet needs or desires or when they feel a lack of control. Hunger, exhaustion, discomfort, sensory needs, or wanting something they can’t have all trigger tantrums. The behaviors can range from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, being stubborn, resisting tasks or holding one’s breath. A tantrum can be a way for child to get a reaction or get what they want. Introducing strategies to avoid tantrums can help minimize these occurrences.
Despite efforts to prevent them, tantrums are sometimes inevitable. It’s important to handle tantrums by tailoring the response to the child’s age and offering tips to manage the situation with minimal distress for both the child and the caregiver.
What is a Meltdown?
A complete meltdown is a type of tantrum in which a child is totally overloaded, and there is a complete loss of behavioral control. The child is often totally unaware of their environment and doesn’t have any safety awareness. They kick, hit, punch, break things, hurt themselves, or harm others. Imagine a child rolling on the ground and screaming at Disney World, but who is totally unaware of the world around them. They typically need an adult to support them through the meltdown, and it doesn’t end quickly.
Here are some situational examples you might be familiar with:
- A child breaks down in the store, screaming and covering their ears due to the bright lights and noise.
- Overwhelmed by loud music and chaos, a child starts crying and shuts down at a birthday party.
- Frustrated with homework, a child throws their books and shouts, unable to calm down despite reassurance.
What is the Difference between a Tantrum and Meltdown?
Whether you call it a tantrum or a meltdown, they both refer to when a child has an uncontrollable outburst of anger or frustration. All children have them at some point, with the most common occurring between ages 1 and 4. Responses to tantrums should be adjusted based on a child’s age, as different age groups have varying needs and behavior.
A tantrum is commonly used to describe milder outbursts during which a child still retains some measure of control over their behavior. Typically, denying something the child wants causes frustration, and the child uses the behavior to get what they want. They often end as suddenly as they start.
A meltdown, however, means a child loses all behavioral control and only stops due to pure physical exhaustion. Unlike a tantrum, the child will need time to wind down. While meltdowns can occur for unknown reasons, they typically result from being overloaded. Various types of overload include sensory, information, and emotional. While a tantrum is about trying to have a need met, a child having a meltdown has no intentions, and instead, a meltdown takes control over them. It is important to acknowledge a child’s emotions during these episodes, helping them label their feelings and guiding them toward more appropriate reactions to disappointment.
Why Do Tantrums Happen?
Self-regulation is the underlying reason why some kids have meltdowns and others don’t. Some kids are inherently better at managing and modulating sensory input, frustrations, and emotions. A stressed brain is a big part of it, and that is why calming the brain is so important for future development.
Strong emotions significantly contribute to children’s temper tantrums, as toddlers often struggle with their feelings of independence and the need for parental attention. This internal conflict, combined with their limited coping and verbal skills, leads to their inability to express emotions appropriately, resulting in outbursts.
Some children can more easily put words to their emotions and react to stimuli in a healthier way. And some children have biological or neurological issues that make it harder for them to self-regulate.
The CALMS Dysregulated Kid Parenting Protocol
I created the CALMS Dysregulated Kid Parenting Protocol as a simple, practical guideline for parents to help their children manage emotional meltdowns. The acronym CALMS stands for Co-Regulation, Avoid Personalizing, Look for Root Causes, Model Coping Strategies, and Support and Reinforce. This step-by-step approach helps parents stay calm, understand their child’s triggers, model healthy behaviors, and provide positive reinforcement. It’s easy to remember and designed to make emotional regulation more manageable for both parents and kids.
How to Prevent Tantrums
Preventing tantrums requires a combination of understanding child development, recognizing triggers, and teaching children self-regulation skills. Here are some strategies to help prevent tantrums:
- Establish a Daily Routine: A consistent daily routine can help children feel secure and in control, reducing the likelihood of tantrums. When children know what to expect, they are less likely to feel overwhelmed or frustrated.
- Encourage Communication: Teach children to express their feelings and needs effectively. When children can communicate their emotions, they are less likely to resort to tantrums out of frustration. Encourage them to use words to describe how they feel and what they need.
- Offer Choices: Providing children with choices, such as “Do you want a banana or an apple?” gives them a sense of control and autonomy. This can help reduce the power struggles that often lead to tantrums.
- Model Good Behavior: Children learn from what they see. It’s essential to model good behavior, such as staying calm and patient, even in challenging situations. When children see adults handling stress calmly, they are more likely to mimic that behavior.
- Teach Self-Regulation Skills: Encourage children to take deep breaths, count to 10, or engage in a calming activity to help them manage their emotions. Teaching these skills early on can help children develop better self-control and reduce the frequency of tantrums.
What is an Emotional Meltdown?
This occurs when frustration, anxiety, stress, upset, or depression build up over time, leading to an emotional eruption.
Much like a nuclear reactor failure, where inadequate cooling systems can lead to the melting of fuel rods and the release of radiation, an emotional meltdown can have catastrophic consequences if not managed properly.
For children, a single traumatic event can be a trigger, but sometimes it comes from an inability to manage their emotions due to biological or neurological issues. Very bright children can also be more prone to emotional meltdowns, as they cognitively understand more than they should but only have normal emotional intelligence to process the information.
Children who experience emotional meltdowns may be irritable, cry, scream easily, or tend to be snappy. Some children overreact to simple requests, are sensitive to stimuli, display a high level of behaviors, or withdraw easily. Helping them put words to emotions and manage stress is critical in reducing meltdowns.
What is a Sensory Meltdown?
Neurology causes a sensory meltdown, which is different from a tantrum. A sensory meltdown happens when there’s too much sensory information to process. Neurodivergent brains are wired differently so that they interpret their senses more uniquely than neurotypical children.
Severe overheating of sensory input can turn into a meltdown, similar to how excessive heat in a nuclear reactor can cause a critical condition.
A child with sensory processing issues can be under- or over-responsive to stimuli, which can lead to extreme discomfort or even pain. A child with sensory processing disorder doesn’t choose to get overwhelmed, but they often are. Their body’s fight or flight system kicks in, leading to agitation or discomfort, causing a sensory meltdown.
Strategies to Manage ADHD Meltdown
When a child has an attentional disorder, they have difficulties with focus and executive functioning. Their lack of self-regulation impacts their cognitive, behavioral, social and emotional functioning.
Children with ADHD react to stimuli differently, making them over- or under-responsive to stimuli that may be hard to understand or identify. They can be noncompliant and often diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).
Just like a neurotypical child who has tantrums, you want to try to identify triggers and then prevent them by being proactive.
Strategies to Manage Autism Meltdowns?
Children with autism are more sensitive to all information, particularly sensory stimuli, which can lead to tantrums and meltdowns. Too much or too little sensory stimuli can overload their system, causing behavioral or emotional overload.
By formally evaluating sensory needs, parents can be proactive in preventing tantrums and meltdowns by identifying triggers and supporting their child.
Coping with Meltdowns
Coping with meltdowns requires a different approach than handling tantrums. Here are some strategies to help you cope with meltdowns:
- Stay Calm: It’s essential to remain calm and patient when dealing with a meltdown. Your calm demeanor can help the individual feel more secure and in control. Remember, meltdowns are not intentional, and your reaction can either escalate or de-escalate the situation.
- Reduce Sensory Input: If the meltdown is triggered by sensory overload, try to reduce the sensory input. This can be done by removing the individual from the overwhelming environment or providing earplugs, sunglasses, or other sensory-reducing tools.
- Provide a Safe Space: Offer a safe and comfortable space for the individual to express their emotions and calm down. A quiet room or a designated calming area can help them feel secure and reduce the intensity of the meltdown.
- Avoid Physical Restraint: Physical restraint can escalate the situation and make the meltdown worse. Instead, focus on providing emotional support and comfort. Use gentle words and a soothing tone to help the individual feel understood and supported.
- Seek Support: If the individual is experiencing frequent or severe meltdowns, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional or a support group. Professional guidance can provide you with additional strategies and resources to manage meltdowns effectively.
How are Autism and Anger Related to Meltdowns?
Meltdowns come with a total loss of behavioral control. Children with Autism t regulate their brain and body differently from neurotypical children. Sensory, emotional, or social information isn’t computed in the same way, overloading their central nervous system. and making them more prone to agitation and anger.
Meltdowns are a physical manifestation of this extreme anger and agitation which is why the child has no awareness, intent to manipulate,, or ability to regulate., This inability to gain control can make children a danger to themselves or others.
Child Development Strategies for Fewer Tantrums
Reducing overload is the best way to prevent or stop a meltdown in the early stages. Reducing information in general, whether sensory, emotional, or social, reduces multiple processing demands.
Setting routines and making things predictable creates reliable expectations for children with Autism, which calms the brain and reduces CNS demands.
If prevention doesn’t work, you should look for signs of physical tension during the early stages of a meltdown. Is your child clenching their fists, placing his hands over his ears, or scrunching her face? These are physical signs of discomfort that might signal a meltdown is imminent. In which case, you want to reduce information or sensory processing.
The next step is removing the sensory input upsetting them or removing the child from the situation by going to a quiet or preferred place. A safe and secure area is a good idea, as children with Autism often bolt or run away when they are overloaded. You can use verbal reassurance with minimal language or visual reminders to calm the child. Another option to help a child during a meltdown is to use social stories to help them understand things. Distracting them or redirecting them to another task or activity can be effective tools to help stop a meltdown before it snowballs.
Once the meltdown reaches the point of no return, your number one goal is safety since every child with Autism reacts differently. Some children bolt, while some kids hurt themselves or others. Other children need the deep pressure of a hold to help the meltdown pass more safely and quickly. For others, a sensory area or a stripped-down room is what they need.
Meltdowns are an awful experience for everyone. Their unpredictable nature means they can happen anywhere. Having your tools and understanding the triggers can help you survive meltdowns and, hopefully, reduce them.
Ultimately, when meltdowns become too difficult to manage, seek support.
To learn more about Tantrums, read Disarming Tantrums: How to Manage Difficult Behaviors
Parent Action Steps
Seeking support is essential when dealing with tantrums and meltdowns. Here are some resources to consider:
- Seek Mental Health Support: Consult with a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, to develop strategies for managing tantrums and meltdowns. They can provide personalized advice and support tailored to your specific situation.
- Support Groups: Join a support group, either online or in-person, to connect with others who are experiencing similar challenges. Sharing experiences and tips with other parents can be incredibly helpful and reassuring. I invite you to join my Natural Parenting Solutions, where I share tips and strategies for managing dysregulated kids. Not only will you get my guidance, but you’ll also have a whole squad of parents who totally get what you’re going through. We’re all in this together, and you’ll find support and love every step of the way! Click here to join.
- Family Support: Reach out to family and friends for emotional support and help with childcare or other responsibilities. Having a strong support network can make a significant difference in managing the stress associated with tantrums and meltdowns.
- Online Resources: Utilize online resources, such as parenting blogs, forums, and websites, to access information and advice on managing tantrums and meltdowns. These resources can offer a wealth of knowledge and support from experts and fellow parents. Discover my Dysregulation Solution program, where you’ll benefit from my 30 years of experience working with families just like yours. This program includes over 40 videos and downloadable resources, giving you everything you need to confidently teach your child self-regulation skills. Let me guide you every step of the way toward real, lasting change! Click here to learn more.
Citations:
Hoyniak CP, Donohue MR, Quiñones-Camacho LE, Vogel AC, Perino MT, Hennefield L, Tillman R, Barch DM, Luby JL. Developmental pathways from preschool temper tantrums to later psychopathology. Dev Psychopathol. 2023 Oct;35(4):1643-1655. doi: 10.1017/S0954579422000359.
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Neurodivergence who is frequently in the media:
- Parents Are Your Kid’s Meltdowns a Sign of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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