Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Have you ever replayed a hard moment and thought, “Why did I say that?” This guide will show you exactly what to say instead—without shame, and with science on your side.
If your child’s behavior feels out of control lately, you’re not alone. I’m a mom and a clinician, and I know how easy it is to say something in the heat of the moment.
But certain phrases don’t just sting—over time. They dysregulate the nervous system and shape how kids see themselves.
In this article, we’ll cover the things to never say to your child. Why language matters for a dysregulated brain, and simple, regulation-first scripts that work when emotions run high.
You’ll learn:
what not to say, science-backed “why,” quick swaps to calm the brain, and a plan to break old patterns, starting today.
What Is “Toxic” Talk—And Why Does It Stick?
Words wire the brain. Repeated harsh phrases act like stressors that keep kids in fight/flight, making learning and cooperation harder.
Large studies show that verbal abuse in childhood (ridicule, threats, humiliation) is linked with poorer adult mental well-being—on par with physical abuse (Bellis et al., 2025).
Brain scans show that verbal aggression changes how a child’s brain develops (Tomoda et al., 2010). When parents dismiss or ignore feelings, teens become more dysregulated and act out more (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2013).
Key idea: Behavior is communication. When we Regulate → Connect → Correct™, kids calm faster and learn skills that stick.
“Name it to tame it.” — Daniel J. Siegel, M.D.
What Are the 15 Things to Never Say to Your Child (And What to Say Instead)?
These are common, human slips. If you’ve said them, take a breath. Repair is powerful.
1) “I wish you were more like your sibling/friend.”
Swap: “You’re you—and that’s my favorite. Let’s work on this together.”
2) “I don’t have time for this.”
Swap: “I can talk for five minutes now, then after dinner we’ll finish.”
3) “You’re too sensitive.”
Swap: “Your feelings matter. Tell me more so I can understand.”
4) “You’re not good at this.”
Swap: “You’re still learning. What small step could help right now?”
5) “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
Swap: “Your body is telling us it’s too much. Let’s breathe together.”
6) “You’re making me angry.”
Swap: “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to pause and then help.”
7) “I should never have had kids.”
Swap: Repair: “I was upset and said something untrue. I’m sorry. You’re wanted.”
8) “Why can’t you be more like ___?”
Swap: “Let’s notice your strengths and build from there.”
9) “You’re not as smart as your classmates.”
Swap: “Everyone learns differently. We’ll find the strategy that fits you.”
10) “You’re too young to understand.”
Swap: “This is tricky. Here’s the short version… (one clear sentence).”
11) “I don’t care what you want.”
Swap: “I hear what you want. My job is safety. Let’s find a yes-when…”
12) “I’m disappointed in you.”
Swap: “The choice wasn’t safe. You’re still a good kid. Let’s plan the redo.”
13) “You’re not good enough.”
Swap: “You are enough. We’ll practice the parts that feel hard.”
14) “You’re fat/ugly/stupid.”
Swap: “Your body and brain are growing. Let’s talk about being healthy and kind.”
15) “I wish you were never born.”
Swap: Repair immediately. “That was hurtful and wrong. You are loved. I’m getting help to do better.”
Parent example:
Jane, a mom of a 10-year-old with anxiety, realized she often said ‘You’re fine’ to stop the tears. We practiced ‘You’re safe. Your worry is loud—let’s do 4-7-8 breathing together.’ Within a week, bedtime tears dropped because Julia co-regulated first.
How Do These Phrases Affect Self-Esteem, Motivation, and Behavior?
- Self-talk: Kids internalize our words; chronic criticism predicts lower mood and self-worth into adulthood (Bellis et al., 2025).
- Learning: Harsh language keeps the brain in survival mode, impairing focus and memory (Tomoda et al., 2010).
- Emotion skills: Invalidation → more dysregulation and externalizing problems (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2013).
Takeaway: Let’s calm the brain first. Coaching works better than criticizing.
What to Say in the Heat of the Moment
When emotions spike, use this mini-script: Regulate. Connect. Correct.™
R—Regulate (you first): Slow exhale. Drop your shoulders. Feet on the floor.
C—Connect: “I’m here. You’re safe. Tell me what’s the hardest part.”
C—Correct: “We can’t throw. Let’s try again with hands to self. What’s your plan?”
“Kids do well if they can.” — Ross Greene, Ph.D.
(Use collaborative problem-solving once calm.)
Parent example:
Marco’s 8 and has ADHD. Mornings were a war zone. His dad replaced ‘Hurry up!’ with ‘Shoes first or backpack first?’ and timed a race with a silly beat. Choice + movement = regulation. They got out the door in 12 minutes.
How Do I Break My Own Cycle of Invalidation?
Many of us were raised with “toughen up.” You can change the pattern.
Micro-Shifts That Matter
- Swap “calm down” → “I can see this is big. Let’s breathe together.”
- Swap “You’re overreacting” → “Your feelings are loud. I’m listening.”
- Apologize and repair when you miss it—repair builds trust (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2013).
- Script bank on your phone. Two lines you’ll use this week.
- Co-regulation tools: wall push-ups, 4-7-8 breathing, cold water splash, “5-4-3-2-1” senses.
“Emotion coaching turns tantrums into teachable moments.” — John Gottman, Ph.D.
Parent example:
I worked with a mom who said, “I’m not that negative—my husband is ten times worse.” Once she tracked her phrases, she saw frequent “Hurry up!” and “You’re fine.”
We swapped in validation + plan: “You want more time. We can leave in 5—want a two-minute timer?” Fewer battles, more cooperation.
When Should I Get Extra Support?
- Meltdowns or shut-downs are daily and last >20 minutes.
- School avoidance, aggression, or self-harm talk.
- Sleep, appetite, or grades have big changes.
Reach out to a licensed clinician.
For many families, brain-based tools (QEEG, neurofeedback, CALM PEMF®), therapy, and lifestyle shifts help once the nervous system is calm.
You’re Not Failing—Your Child Is Dysregulated
Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about repair. When you remember the things to never say to your child and use the swaps above, you calm the brain, protect self-esteem, and build skills that last.
You’ve got this. Regulate. Connect. Correct.™ And if today was messy? Tomorrow is a new rep.
FAQs
How do I stop saying hurtful things when I’m triggered?
Plan your two-line script in advance. Exhale. Speak slowly. If you slip, repair: “I’m sorry. That was unkind. Let’s try again.”
Is praise bad?
Generic praise can backfire. Try specific, effort-based praise: “You kept trying on that puzzle.” (See Parents.com guidance on specific vs. generic praise.)
What do I say instead of “calm down”?
Try: “Your feelings are big. Let’s breathe together, then we’ll make a plan.”
My teen says I invalidate them—now what?
Reflect: “So from your view, I ignored you in front of your friends.” Validate, then problem-solve. Research links invalidation to dysregulation (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2013).
Terminology
- Dysregulation: A nervous system stuck in fight/flight or freeze; hard to think or listen.
- Validation: Naming and normalizing feelings without fixing or judging.
- Co-regulation: An adult’s calm body and voice help calm a child’s body.
- Regulate. Connect. Correct.™: Our sequence—calm first, connect next, then coach behavior.
Citations
Bellis, M. A., et al. (2025). Comparative relationships between physical and verbal abuse of children and adult mental well-being. BMJ Open, 15(8), e098412. https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/15/8/e098412
Tomoda, A., et al. (2010). Exposure to parental verbal aggression and brain morphology. NeuroImage, 51(3). https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1053811910007597
Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2013). Parental validating and invalidating responses and adolescent psychological functioning. The Family Journal, 22(1), 43–48. https://tfj.sagepub.com/content/22/1/43
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice, and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regimen. The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment varies from patient to patient and condition to condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC, does not guarantee specific results.
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