Let’s sit down for a second – I bet you didn’t think parenting would feel like this. Mornings are chaotic and filled with battles. The dread starts the night before with you lying in bed, hoping – just hoping – that maybe this time, your child will put on their shoes without a meltdown.
You’ve tried reasoning, comforting, soft love, and tough love, and still, you’re stuck in this endless cycle watching your kid spiral with anxiety as they refuse to go to school.
What if they never get back on track?
What if you’re failing them?
What if they feel like they won’t ever belong?
I see you and hear you. And believe me when I say that I can teach you ways on how to help a child with school refusal anxiety.
School refusal is complicated, but there are tools, like neurofeedback, that can help. Neurofeedback is a non-invasive therapy that can make school feel less like a battlefield and more like a manageable part of their day!
Why Kids Refuse to Go to School
When your 2nd grader or teenager refuses to go to school, it’s not always because they are “just” unmotivated and tired.
School refusal behavior is typically a reflection of some underlying internal issue that has been bubbling for some time. Since we can't “see” mental health struggles, we have to look for signs of anxiety, OCD, mood issues, and other common internalized conditions.
What school refusal looks like:
- Frequent complaints of stomachaches or headaches before school
- Emotional meltdowns or panic attacks in the morning
- Avoidance behaviors, such as hiding or bargaining to stay home
- Increased defiance or anger when school is mentioned
- Trouble sleeping or increased worry about school the night before
Kids can do really well at school because of a desire to please, fit in with peers, and their responsiveness to the routine and structure of a typical school day. Unfortunately, when internalized issues hijack the brain and get the brain stuck in “freeze” mode, our kids are shut down, avoidant and afraid.
That means that their brain isn't calm and their thinking is offline because their frontal lobes are shut down. When our frontal lobes aren't working, our executive functioning, or our ability to prioritize or plan for a future event, isn't working either.
High Functioning Autism and School Refusal
With all my years working with children in the Autism spectrum, it isn’t a surprise anymore to meet someone who often struggles with school. ASD children are hypersensitive, have rigid thinking patterns, and are always struggling at navigating social situations, so stepping and being comfortable in an unfamiliar environment like school will always be challenging (Neimi et al., 2022).
Our 7-year-old Oliver, who was trying to attend school, started at our center always upset – flapping his hands, flickering his fingers, walking back and forth, and shouting repeatedly. His mom would be so stressed almost every time we met because Oliver wouldn’t go to school whenever her work schedule changed and they had to adjust their morning routine.
I explained to her that dysregulated children thrive on predictability and unstructured environments can trigger their avoidance and anxiety.
Sticking to a routine and schedule would be a wise way to manage mornings, prevent tantrums and lessen the chances of your child refusing to go to school.
OCD and School Refusal
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can also be a major factor in school refusal (Geller et al., 2009). Kids with OCD struggle with intrusive thoughts, compulsive rituals, or overwhelming anxiety that makes school attendance feel impossible.
I remember Charlotte, a quiet 8-year-old child who always went out with her braids. Her mom would share that at times, Charlotte’s fear of germs would escalate, making her not want to get inside the classroom because she doesn’t want to touch the tables and books.
Fears can cripple your child. Without intervention, OCD-driven school refusal can become deeply ingrained.
During neurofeedback, we will train your child’s brain to calm down, eventually reducing her anxiety and breaking the cycle of avoidance.
How To Deal with School Refusal and Calm the Brain
If your child isn't in a calm brain state, then physiologically, their brain isn't going to let them think, pay attention or take action in typical ways. When their brain is hijacked by fear, then that means it is stuck in a “rev state.”
If their nervous system is in a stressed, sympathetic state, it sends their brain and body's resources into war mode. As a result, doing routine tasks like hopping on the school bus may seem like a mountain to climb.
In order for your child to be able to process information and move forward, you have to get their brain in a calm, parasympathetic state.
How Neurofeedback Can Help School Refusal Behaviors
Neurofeedback for school refusal is a science-backed way to calm the brain. It has been used to treat a variety of stress, anxiety (Micoulaud-Franchi et al., 2021) and mood related conditions for sixty years. It is a safe, natural and effective method to lead a stressed brain into a calm, regulated state through operant conditioning.
With neurofeedback, your child’s brain learns to create and sustain healthier brain wave patterns. Even in just a few seconds during the first session, abnormal brain waves can start to regulate. Over time – typically with 2-3 sessions/week in a span of 4-6 months – these changes become lasting.
Neurofeedback Therapy Benefits
When their brain is calm and regulated, your child, who was once “stuck” in fight-or-flight more can finally process information, regulate their emotions, and better engage. Real, lasting progress starts when they stop being hijacked by stress and fear.
By training the brain to function more optimally, neurofeedback can:
- Reduce your child’s before-school anxiety
- Improve their focus and executive functioning (Kouijzer et al., 2009)
- Help your child manage unexpected changes in the schedule
- Prevent them from feeling like they have to choose between fight or flight all the time
- Increase their self-regulation skills (Thibault et al., 2016)
In my Connecticut neurofeedback center, where I work with kids locally and globally, I’ve seen firsthand, just as research shows, that those who stick with the program often experience relief significantly.
For a child who is so shut down that he/she can't put one foot in front of the other for school, neurofeedback is a way to help them get on track.
Parenting Strategies for School Refusal
Neurofeedback can be complementary with at-home and in-school strategies. In order to pull your child out of their avoidant behavior, school refusal interventions should continue wherever they are. And as a parent, you are a big part in your child’s overall school refusal treatment plan.
Here’s what you can do:
- Maintain a consistent routine. Predictability can help reduce morning anxiety.
- Validate their feelings but set clear expectations. Acknowledge their anxiety while reinforcing the importance of attending school.
- Reduce accommodations that reinforce avoidance. For example, avoid letting your child stay home and play video games instead of going to school.
- Use calming techniques. Deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises can help regulate emotions.
- Collaborate with school staff. Work with teachers and counselors to create a supportive plan.
BrainBehaviorReset™: A Holistic, Neurofeedback-based Program to Treating School Refusal
In our BrainBehaviorReset™ Program we help families with children who are in a school refusal crisis, calm the brain with neurofeedback, psychotherapy, and parent coaching.
Whether or not the underlying issue is a mental health issue such as attention problems, anxiety, social anxiety, depression, OCD, or PANS/PANDAS, bullying, severe grief, or trauma, neurofeedback works at the subconscious level and targets the root causes of dysregulation.
In our BrainBehaviorReset™ Program, we help families who are in a school refusal crisis get unstuck. We bring calm back to families by combining the best of neurofeedback and integrative healthcare approaches, including psychotherapy and parent coaching.
We know you need a lot of guidance to get through this trying time and we have the resources to do just that.
Read my other related articles on school refusal:
Citations:
Geller, D., Biederman, J., Jones, J., and Shapiro, S. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder in children and adolescents: a review. Harvard Review of Psychiatry. 5(5):260-73. https://doi.org/10.3109/106732298090000309.
Micoulaud-Franchi, J., Jeunet, C., Pelissolo, A., and Ros., T. (2021). EEG neurofeedback for anxiety disorders and post-traumatic disorders: a blueprint for a promising brain-based therapy. (23):84. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-021-01299-9.
Niemi, S., Lagerstrom, M., and Alanko, K. (2022). School attendance problems in adolescent with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Front Psychol. 13:1017619. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1017619.
Thibault, R., Lifshitz, M., and Raz, A. (2016). The self-regulating brain and neurofeedback: experimental science and clinical promise. Cortex 74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cortex.2015.10.024.
Dr. Roseann is a mental health expert in Self-Regulation who frequently is in the media:
- Healthline Understanding Self-Regulation Skills
- Scary Mommy What Is Self-Regulation In Children, And How Can You Help Improve It?
- The Warrior Parent Podcast It's Gonna Be OK! Changing Behaviors and Responses (And The Magic of Magnesium)In Your Family with Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge
Always remember… “Calm Brain, Happy Family™”
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
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Dr. Roseann is a Children’s Mental Health Expert and Therapist who has been featured in/on hundreds of media outlets including, CBS, NBC, FOX News, PIX11 NYC, The New York Times, The Washington Post,, Business Insider, USA Today, CNET, Marth Stewart, and PARENTS. FORBES called her, “A thought leader in children’s mental health.”
She is the founder and director of The Global Institute of Children’s Mental Health and Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge. Dr. Roseann is a Board Certified Neurofeedback (BCN) Practitioner, a Board Member of the Northeast Region Biofeedback Society (NRBS), Certified Integrative Medicine Mental Health Provider (CMHIMP) and an Amen Clinic Certified Brain Health Coach. She is also a member of The International Lyme Disease and Associated Disease Society (ILADS), The American Psychological Association (APA), Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) National Association of School Psychologists (NASP), International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) International Society for Neurofeedback and Research (ISNR) and The Association of Applied Psychophysiology and Biofeedback (AAPB).
© Roseann-Capanna-Hodge, LLC 2023
Disclaimer: This article is not intended to give health advice and it is recommended to consult with a physician before beginning any new wellness regime. *The effectiveness of diagnosis and treatment vary by patient and condition. Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, LLC does not guarantee certain results.
