It doesn't matter how old you are—everyone experiences meltdowns at some point. For parents, managing meltdowns in kids and teens can be especially overwhelming, as it often involves navigating intense emotions and unpredictable behavior. That is why it's important for us to understand the underlying causes of these outbursts and to develop effective strategies for handling them.
By gaining insight into the dynamics of dysregulation and employing supportive techniques, we can better manage these challenging moments and provide a more stable, nurturing environment for our children. And for this episode, we will explore practical strategies for handling meltdowns effectively, discuss the importance of consistent reinforcement, and highlight resources that can support both parents and children in navigating emotional difficulties.
Personalizing Behavior and Seeking Root Causes.
Managing big emotions in dysregulated kids is something I’ve been doing for 30 years. When kids are dysregulated, it’s natural to wonder why, and it’s good to ask that question. But it’s also important to remember that it's perfectly normal for kids to have moments of dysregulation.
My friend Becky and I were recently discussing sibling fights. She shared how tired she was of constantly mediating these fights, especially as her kids get older and she feels like they should know better. But if we think back to our own childhoods, most of us fought with our siblings too. It’s easy to forget that these conflicts are a normal part of growing up and learning how to navigate relationships. Even as adults, we can find ourselves struggling to manage our emotions and communicate effectively.
Personally, when kids struggle to regulate their emotions, I recommend using the CALMS Dysregulated Kid Parenting Protocol. This method can be applied whenever our kids dysregulate, whether it’s a one-time incident, a developmental phase, a temporary situation, or a persistent challenge with self-regulation. It provides a structured approach to help us stay calm and guide our children through their emotional storms effectively.
As parents, especially those of us with neurodivergent children, we need effective tools to support the nervous system and manage these intense reactions. Dysregulation, whether due to under-stimulation or over-stimulation, can become habitual if it happens frequently. The first step in the CALMS protocol is to put your oxygen mask on first and co-regulate. I always say, don’t go in hot. If you’re feeling irritated, take a moment before addressing the situation. It's important to model calm behavior for our kids, as they often mirror our emotional state. By taking a step back and regulating our own emotions, we create a more supportive environment for them to learn how to manage their feelings. This way, we can approach the situation with empathy and understanding, rather than frustration.
Modeling Coping Strategies and Supporting Reinforcement.
Supporting and reinforcing these strategies is crucial for teaching our kids how to manage their emotions. This involves consistently modeling, teaching, and reinforcing positive behaviors to help them navigate their emotional challenges effectively.
I want to emphasize that we have to be kind to ourselves when it comes to handling our emotions. If you’re dysregulated and you approach your child while still feeling this way, it’s okay occasionally, but it’s important not to make it a habit. If you’re consistently struggling with your own self-regulation, consider seeking out ways to support your nervous system, including possibly getting help from a therapist.
The CALMS Dysregulated Kid Parenting Protocol emphasizes not personalizing your child's behavior. If your child is having a meltdown, it’s important to remember that they’re not doing it on purpose. No one wants to be dysregulated, just like you wouldn’t want to lose your temper when your child is being difficult. To help break the cycle of dysregulation, we need to look for the root causes, model appropriate coping strategies, and provide consistent reinforcement and support.
When it comes to modeling coping strategies, it’s important to recognize the example we set for our children. If we react with anger or frustration, they’re likely to mirror that behavior. Our role is to demonstrate calm and consistent responses, showing them how to handle their emotions in a healthy way. For the brain to recognize positive behaviors over negative ones, it takes time and repeated practice. We need to be patient and reinforce positive behaviors frequently, helping our children learn to adapt their nervous systems to healthier responses.
Encouragement and Resources for Parents.
Focusing on setting small, incremental goals to keep moving forward is a powerful strategy for tracking progress and achieving long-term success. By breaking down larger objectives into manageable steps, you create a clear path for improvement and build momentum with each small victory. This approach helps maintain motivation and allows for regular assessment and adjustment, making it easier to stay on track and achieve your desired outcomes.
As parents, it’s essential to do this for ourselves because we set an example for our children. We need to model, teach, and reinforce these strategies, understanding that it’s okay not to be perfect 100% of the time. When our kids are dysregulated, our role is to provide love and support without getting emotionally entangled in their outbursts. Spend time outside of these moments, reinforcing and nurturing their nervous systems, which helps build empathy and understanding.
It's crucial for spouses to align on how to manage their child's dysregulation. Disagreements about handling these situations can create additional stress and conflict within the family. Often, one partner might view the child's behavior as deliberate or defiant, while the other sees it as a neurological response. Understanding that dysregulation stems from the brain's response rather than intentional actions can bridge this gap.
When both parents recognize that these behaviors are part of the child's neurological functioning, it can foster greater empathy and cooperation. This shared perspective encourages more unified approaches to managing the child's needs and reduces tension between partners.
The CALMS Dysregulated Kid Parenting Protocol can be instrumental in this process as it offers a structured approach for handling emotional outbursts, which can help both parents stay consistent in their responses. By applying this protocol and seeking additional resources, such as therapy or support groups, parents can gain valuable tools and strategies. These resources provide guidance on how to effectively support their child’s emotional regulation, making it easier to address challenges together and maintain a supportive family environment.
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