Does it seem like your child's attention, anxiety, or behavior isn't improving—no matter what strategies you try? It can be frustrating when you’re putting in the effort, yet nothing seems to make a lasting difference. The truth is, there may be an underlying issue that is holding back progress—your child’s nervous system might be dysregulated.
But the good news is that once you address this core issue, everything else can start to fall into place. Let’s explore how understanding and regulating the nervous system can create lasting improvements in your child’s behavior, attention, and overall well-being.
The Role of Nervous System in Learning and Behavior
In my decades of experience as a licensed therapist and certified school psychologist, working with over 10,000 people, I have seen it time and time again. The number one reason why many children’s attention, anxiety, and behavior challenges aren’t improving is nervous system dysregulation. This is what keeps kids stuck despite going to therapy or consulting with a good doctor.
When a child’s nervous system is in a state of overdrive, or what we refer to as a sympathetic, dominant state, their brain and body simply can’t function the way they need to. This dysregulation makes it impossible for children to learn new behaviors, pay attention, or even heal.
We often miss this crucial issue because the standard system of care doesn’t take the time to properly assess what’s going on with kids. Diagnostics are rushed and overly reliant on behavioral ratings, which don’t always paint an accurate picture. This leads us to assume that everything is a neurotransmitter problem, and the automatic response is to medicate. But this approach is a short-term fix that doesn’t address the root cause of the problem. It’s not just about the brain chemistry; it's about the overall state of the nervous system.
When the nervous system is dysregulated, it manifests in various ways. Kids might be under-stimulated, showing signs of low motivation, being unfocused, or feeling fatigued. Alternatively, they might be overstimulated, leading to irritability, meltdowns, and rage outbursts. These are all normal behaviors, but they become problematic when they persist over time. This is when we have to address the root cause: the dysregulated nervous system.
The good news is that once we recognize and reset the nervous system, children can begin to think, learn, and heal. It is not just about managing symptoms; it is about getting to the core issue and helping children regulate so they can truly thrive.
Co-Regulation and Avoiding Personalization of Behavior
Co-regulation is key to helping your child calm their nervous system and feel supported in moments of dysregulation. In fact, this is the foundation of my CALMS Parenting Protocol. By staying calm and present, you model emotional control and create a safe space for your child to regulate. This builds their ability to manage emotions and behaviors, while strengthening the bond between you.
Co-regulation sets the foundation for understanding your child’s needs and triggers, allowing you to address underlying causes rather than reacting to surface-level behaviors. It’s a crucial first step in promoting emotional stability and long-term self-regulation skills.
Often, we rush to diagnose children, but many struggles aren't necessarily linked to a diagnosable condition like ADHD. In today’s world, with its constant distractions and overwhelming stimuli, it’s easy to see why people may identify with ADHD symptoms. The way we live, with multitasking and information overload, can make it harder to focus, stay organized, and manage tasks. Other contributing factors, such as poor diet, lack of sleep, stress, and trauma, can all overstimulate the nervous system, making it more difficult for children to focus or regulate their behavior.
In our CALMS Parenting Protocol, we start with co-regulation, which helps calm the nervous system. We also focus on avoiding personalizing behaviors. Then, we work to identify the root causes of the struggles, addressing the underlying factors to create lasting change and improve overall well-being. By taking a holistic approach, we empower parents to support their child in a way that fosters emotional resilience and long-term success.
Modeling Behavior and Reinforcing Positive Actions
Children, even neurotypical ones, require plenty of reinforcement, but when dysregulation occurs, self-regulation and impulse control become the foundation for all development. Without the ability to regulate behaviors, learning and attention are severely hindered. In both children and adults, regulating the nervous system for just 10 minutes a day, either individually or together, helps shift from an activated state to a calmer, parasympathetic one, enabling the processing of information and improved communication.
Also, when we are more regulated, we can better understand what’s happening with our child and respond with clarity, rather than irritation. This enables us to model the behaviors we want to see, as children learn by example. It’s important to pause and reflect, asking ourselves if we are contributing to dysregulation. As parents, we’re all doing our best, but sometimes our own unresolved issues or reactivity can fuel the cycle. This moment can be an opportunity for self-reflection and healing, breaking that cycle and creating lasting emotional wealth for future generations.
In the CALMS Parenting Protocol, supporting and reinforcing positive behaviors is key. By consistently reinforcing the behaviors we want to see, we help children learn and grow. Reinforcement is crucial because it helps establish new patterns and encourages lasting change. With consistency and clarity, we can help our children develop the emotional resilience they need to thrive.
When individuals engage in the dysregulation solution, many begin to notice significant improvements. Some report a shift in communication patterns, while others see a growing ability to tolerate stressors. Many parents realize they are less irritated by the same issues that once caused frustration. This calmness allows them to connect more deeply with their children, guiding and coaching them in a way that fosters learning and emotional growth. These positive changes can only happen when the nervous system is regulated.
The primary reason children struggle to improve physically, emotionally, and socially is often due to a dysregulated nervous system, which blocks other interventions from being effective. Once the nervous system is addressed and regulated, progress becomes possible. For those searching for the right solution, there are numerous resources available, including free and low-cost options, as well as personalized guidance through one-on-one sessions and our dysregulation solutions. Our goal is to ensure that families understand the importance of nervous system regulation and are equipped with strategies to foster lasting change.
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