As parents, one of the most powerful tools we can use to support our children is co-regulation. When children are in a dysregulated state, it can be overwhelming not just for them, but for us as parents as well. Their heightened emotions can trigger our own stress, leaving us feeling frustrated or helpless. By learning to co-regulate, we can better manage our own responses and help our child navigate these difficult moments, creating a calmer environment for everyone. In today's episode, we're diving into the power of co-regulation and how it can help you transform challenging moments with your child into opportunities for connection and growth. We’ll explore simple, practical techniques that you can start using today to help calm your child's emotions.
Co-Breathing Technique
One of my favorite co-regulation techniques that I've proven as greatly effective is co-breathing, even though it might feel awkward initially. However, just like any routine, once you make breath work part of your daily life, it becomes second nature. Consistency is key indeed. When you and your child practice co-breathing regularly, it becomes a natural and calming tool that both of you can rely on in moments of stress. Co-breathing involves you and your child breathing together, which helps regulate emotions and signals to the nervous system that it's time to calm down. The key is modeling the breathwork for your child and practicing it with them, so it becomes a natural rhythm. Whether it’s a 4-7-8 breath, a box breath, or even a bubble breath for younger kids, the technique doesn’t matter as much as the consistent practice. When we breathe correctly, from our belly rather than our chest, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, helping to shift from a stressed, fight-or-flight state to a calmer, more regulated one. Breathing together in this way also provides an opportunity to connect with your child. It helps them focus on their body, instead of the stress they’re feeling, whether it’s a runaway thought, a big emotion, or even physical discomfort. This connection builds trust and reassurance, which is crucial for children who often feel angry or confused when they’re dysregulated. Over time, regular co-breathing helps kids manage their emotions more effectively, leading to greater emotional resilience and a stronger relationship between you and your child.
Mirror Calming Technique
Another powerful co-regulation technique is mirror calming, where you match your child's behavior to help them calm down. Start by observing their movements and adjusting your body language to match their energy in a calm way. This approach stems from my experience working in a psychiatric facility with children, where I learned how to de-escalate situations without resorting to physical restraint. By mirroring calm body language and using positive, engaging language, you can help shift your child's emotional state. For example, facing them at an angle instead of confronting them directly, offering encouraging words, and staying authentic in your communication can help them feel heard and understood. This technique helps reduce power struggles, create a sense of safety, and build trust. When you mirror calmness, it allows your child to feel seen and accepted, rather than criticized or controlled. Through this approach, you cut down on the tension and create a more positive environment, fostering a deeper connection between you and your child. The key is to stay present, calm, and patient, using language and body language that helps your child feel supported in their emotional journey.
Physical Contact for Co-Regulation
The third co-regulation strategy is physical contact, which can be incredibly effective in calming a dysregulated child. Simple gestures like a hug, a gentle touch on the arm, or even holding hands can make a big difference. In my own experience, when my son Max became dysregulated, I would calmly say, “Hold on,” and then offer him a hug. Over time, he became more comfortable with this approach and even appreciated it. Physical contact, in this case, is not about rewarding behavior but providing love and comfort. It’s important to understand that physical contact helps children feel grounded and supported, especially when they’re feeling overwhelmed. If your child is open to it, offering physical affection can be a powerful tool for co-regulation. Everyone needs love and connection, and offering physical contact when your child is dysregulated can help them feel seen, safe, and emotionally secure, making it easier for them to calm down and regain control.
Rhythm and Movement for Co-Regulation
The next co-regulation strategy is rhythm, which involves activities like walking, rocking, swaying, humming, or singing. These rhythmic motions can break the cycle of dysregulation and help calm the nervous system. It’s a simple but effective way to shift your child's emotional state and break the dysregulation cycle. Rhythm can be especially helpful for children with autism, as behaviors like stimming serve as a form of self-regulation. Stimming can be a powerful tool for calming the nervous system, and it’s important not to discourage it. While we may want to introduce different strategies, it’s essential to acknowledge and respect self-regulation methods that work for each child. Rhythm, whether through music or movement, is a great way to support emotional regulation and foster a positive, calming connection between parent and child.
Verbal Co-Regulation Techniques
The fifth strategy for co-regulation is verbal co-regulation, which involves using words to cue your child towards emotional regulation. This could include simple actions like breathing together, offering affirmations, or reminding them of coping skills. Positive reinforcement can also be powerful since verbal co-regulation helps children feel supported and understood, opening up dialogue about their feelings. This is particularly beneficial when children are dysregulated, as it allows them to process and articulate their emotions in ways they may not have been able to before. This can be a great eye-opening experience for parents considering that this can lead to profound insights into a child's emotional world, helping parents realize how much their child was internalizing and processing. The shift from withdrawal or anxiety to verbal expression can be both emotional and revealing. Indeed, verbal co-regulation is a powerful tool for building connection and understanding.
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For more information, check out the following:
● Dysregulated behavior in kids
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