“I hate you, Mom!” These words can shatter even the strongest parent’s heart. In that moment, you’re faced with a tidal wave of emotion. You might wonder what went wrong, or whether you’re somehow failing as a parent.
But the truth is—they don’t mean it. Let me help you understand what’s underneath those explosive words and how you can respond in a way that calms the chaos, protects your connection, and supports your child’s emotional growth. Because it’s not about getting it perfect; it’s about showing up with calm and compassion, even when it hurts most.
Understanding and Normalizing Children’s Hurtful Statements
If your child has ever screamed, “I hate you!” and it felt like a dagger to your heart, you are not alone. That moment, when your love is met with rage, can be one of the hardest parts of parenting. You may feel crushed, furious, ashamed—and even start to question whether you’re failing.
But here’s the truth that doesn’t get said enough: almost all kids say hurtful things sometimes. Not because they are bad or ungrateful, but because their nervous system is overwhelmed. What looks like defiance is often dysregulation.
When a child lashes out, their brain is flooded with emotion. Logic takes a back seat. The words you hear are not a carefully crafted insult; they are a signal that your child is drowning in big feelings and doesn’t know how to cope. And yes, it is perfectly normal for you to feel triggered, angry, or even devastated in response.
The key is in how we respond. When we take these words personally, we feed the spiral. But when we recognize them as a cry for help, we can interrupt the cycle before it pulls us both under. The challenge is not just staying calm in the moment. It’s learning to respond with intention rather than react from our own dysregulation.
Because when we react with things like “Don’t talk to me like that” or even “I hate you too,” it only adds fuel to the fire. We get pulled into a cycle of co-dysregulation, where emotions rise on both sides and everyone feels overwhelmed. In those moments, no one feels heard. No one feels safe. And any chance for healing slips further away.
The C.A.L.M.S. Protocol: Strategies for Handling Children’s Emotional Outbursts
To shift from chaos to calm, you have to lead with intention and learn how to co-regulate, even when it feels hardest to stay grounded. And you do it using what I call the C.A.L.M.S. Protocol—a brain-based, connection-focused strategy that helps you move through high-stress parenting moments without losing your cool or your confidence.
C is for Co-Regulate. When your child says something hurtful, your instinct might be to lecture or shut it down. Instead, try grounding the moment with presence. Say, “I’m here. Let’s take a breath together.” It may sound simple, but breath is powerful. It calms the nervous system and sends a clear message: You’re safe with me, even when you’re struggling.
A is for Avoid Personalizing. Yes, their words may feel like a punch in the gut—but they are not really about you. Try saying, “I see you’re upset right now,” instead of “How could you say that to me?” This keeps your own ego in check and helps prevent emotional escalation.
L is for Look for Root Causes. Instead of rushing to discipline, pause and ask, What’s really going on here? Maybe your child is overtired, overstimulated, or dealing with something that has nothing to do with you. Try gently asking, “What’s feeling hard for you right now?”
M is for Model Coping. Let your child see what emotional regulation looks like in real time. You might say, “I feel really frustrated too, so I’m going to take a breath and calm my body.” When kids witness us handling big feelings without blowing up, it teaches them how to do the same.
S is for Support and Reinforce. Even if their words stung, remind your child that your love isn’t conditional. Say, “We’ll get through this. We can talk more when you’re ready.” Skip the forced apology and focus on reconnecting once everyone is calm. That’s when real healing begins.
And here’s something every parent needs to hear: It is never too late to start.
What to Say When Your Child Says Hurtful Things
Whatever age your child may be, you can always choose to show up differently. Emotional safety isn’t something kids grow out of; it’s something they grow from. Even teens and young adults need to know you’re a safe landing place for them.
So the next time your child says something that cuts deep—whether it’s “I hate you,” or “I like Dad better”—pause and remember: their behavior is communication. The words may be harsh, but underneath is a child who feels overwhelmed and unsure how to cope.
When we respond with calm and connection, we show them that love doesn’t disappear in hard moments—that’s what truly sticks. You don’t need to be perfect. Just stay present. Keep coming back to calm, and remind your child: We’re in this together. I love you, even when it’s hard.
Saying “I’m sorry it got to that level” doesn’t mean you’re giving in—it models the kind of emotional responsibility you want your child to learn. When you understand that outbursts often come from nervous system dysregulation, your response naturally shifts. Instead of getting stuck in shame or reactivity, you begin building trust and teaching your child how to regulate.
These moments will still happen from time to time—they’re part of healthy development. But your job is to stay as calm as possible, or step away briefly if needed. You can say, “This hurts me too, and I love you. I just need a moment.” That honesty, paired with calm, helps break the reactivity cycle.
If you need more tools to regulate yourself and your child, check out the Quick Calm toolkit and unlock your child’s potential in just one week! It’s a simple, deeper dive into the C.A.L.M.S. Protocol that’s already helping families shift from chaos to calm.
Take our FREE Brain and Behavior Solutions Matcher today! We’ll help you find the right solution tailored to your needs.
Discover science-backed mental health solutions and gain valuable insights by exploring the resources available at www.drroseann.com.
